Dear Someone,
I just want to say that I am sorry,I know that you'll never get this letter but thats ok. I know that you'll never understand why I did what I did but it is done and there is nothing you can do. Don't blame yourself, don't cry over me I had a good life knowing one day you would come to me but I couldn't wait any longer, I am sorry. Please don't be upset, it's not your fault , it's me..it has always been me.
I had such sweet times, I had family, friends, and lovers..they were such sweet moments. I never knew I could laugh so hard and that my heart could beat so fast of that my smile could be so big. I never knew that corn bread and peaches taste good together, that changing the word pencil to kaboodler would be so funny, that walking around a field with friends during middle school could be so refreshing from sitting in a classroom for four hours, eating pocky with my persona twin could be so fun, or looking at boy's calves was sexy, ice skating in the street with just shoes on, riding with my cousin could be so scary, talking to my other cousin could be interesting,my dad's words would resonate with me and my mother's actions would always teach me an unspoken lesson. I never knew I would like the tinted red cheeks and big lips of a blonde headed boy or the round belly of another, and the mysteries of the last one. Love is so nice but painful..the minute I loved, I felt hurt altogether with fear. I never understood love but I knew it was in me from the day I arrived on this planet.
As there were sweet moments, there were bitter ones. I was always made fun of when I was little, I blamed myself for all of my mistakes and misfortunes. Who knew the words ugly,wierd, stupid,gay would scar my heart so deeply but they did. I never thought lonliness could create such pain within me but it does. I have drunk and drugged myself to self pity, I've slept and cried days away maybe because of Bipolar or maybe not. Broken, lost, hurt, and angry have stuck to me for a long time. I wanted it to go away and this is was it. I haven't been a good person but I haven't been a bad person either. I have my regrets in this life and they will be with me forever. Remember it's not you..it was never you ok? I mean the saddest thing is I never got to see your face, I never got to hold you. I don't even know where you are or who you are but I knew I was to meet you but it won't happen now and I am sorry..I am so sorry.
I had dreams, so many dreams. I wanted to be an artist, a writer,and a veteranarian. I wanted to help people. I wanted to be of some use to this world, to do good in it..if I could. Now it seems fuzzy and dreams are broken. How bad I wanted to be something and all I end up is being a failure and a dissapointment in people's lives. I want to die...is it ok to die? If I am nothing then it shouldn't matter right? Someone tell me it's ok. I don't want to live..I know Im young and foolish but I don't want to live, I am sorry. Leah, Shasta, Denisha...Daniel..Chase..Shawna..Arysta...it's ok isn't it..Kovie..Coronda..Loren..Kori..Minyan..Julie...Cetonia..it's ok right..Dad..Mom..Shamica..Bronte..Baja..Kenny..Alan..Brandon...I just don't know how to tell you guys this pain I am feeling..Aunt Jackie..Aunt Anna..Aunt Faye..Cynthia..Joe..Sammy..Ash..Alex..Jen Jen..Aaron..Birke..what can I say..Philys..Granny..Grandpa..I am scared..Vanessa..Susan..James..someone....I am so scared and I am sorry.
