I am a 28 yr old male and think I have been dealing with depression since I was 10 or so. I was never diagnosed and never sought help medically or really with any friends or family. I guess I'm too ashamed to admit to anybody how bad I feel about myself. I feel they would be sympathetic but that's not what I need. I want the feelings of self-worthlessness to go away and that won't happen with a pat on the back. I have struggled financially lately which doesn't help and for the first time I'm probably at a point where I realize I really need to be talking to someone and may be willing to. But I have no insurance and don't know where to go. This is the closest I've ever been to openning up about how bad I feel about myself. I think some friends and family have noticed over the years but I guess I do a good job of convincing them its only temporary and that I'm over it quickly. I don't know why I do that. I have made mistakes in my life that I don't think I'll ever recover from. I think I will always be a financial mess. I was never very good at making friends but have a few close ones that I feel comfortable around. But despite that I think I keep them at arms length about this. I guess I'm afraid of how it would affect those relationships if I do open up. I've never been in love and doubt I ever will. It's hard to meet someone when you don't feel yourself worthy of anyone. I wonder if depression is a result of some chemicle imbalance in the brain, or just the feelings that come up when so many things seem to go against you. I geuss I had a suicide attempt about a month ago. I swallowed about 50 tylenol after a few beers and tried to go to sleep. I felt myself really starting to lose it and got scared and forced myself to throw up. I must have been close though. I hadn't drank that much but could barely walk or keep myself awake. I thought afterwords that changing my mind would be a turning point and actually felt better for a few days. For the first time in a long time I was happy to be alive. But before long the same feelings starting coming back and now I'm back where I started. Everywhere I go on the web says that I should see my doctor. Not really an option. What do I do now?
what do I do?
Your story sounds very familiar. I was at the same point last year. My doctor arranged for me to see a psychiatrist the very next morning after I was in her office. I was in rough shape, but after nearly a year of therapy and some wonderful medication, I've been able to pull myself together and function again. I know that without insurance it's a different ball game, but there may be agencies in your area that can help. The city I live in has a neighborhood health center run by a Catholic orgainization. The fee is based only on what you can afford. Look in the phone book and make some phone calls. There's bound to be some sort of health center in your area that can assist you. I know mustering the effort is hard to do right now, but your life depends on it. Please find help. You deserve to be happy!
Yeah times have been hard. I know exactly how you feel. Im in a similar situation, and have been feeling this way since about 12 years old. Right now, I'm coming off a pretty bad night myself. I guess you could also say I'm "scared" to seek help or open up to somebody who really has the power to help besides my friends. Sometimes it feels unbearably lonely to keep living the way I am. But this summer i realized something about my life, and how to make it better. For me, it made myself feel much better if i kept myself busy, and somewhat productive, which you might want to give a try. Family and especially friends are also a great outlet for everything. I was trying to keep myself from having the time to spiral into depression every night, and it worked for a couple months, and i thought i might had found the secret i needed. Recently, I've realized depression won't really go away on its own, but im in no state to let anybody know. For me, the best thing to do when I am sad and depressed is to try hard to find something to respect in my life, and fill my mind with why it makes me happy to thing about. If i can find something i like about my life, espcially while I'm depressed, I automatically get in a better mood. I hopoe my insight helped, as I also used this comment to express my own feelings. I personally live my life now so that when there are times when I'm actually not depressed and sad, I can enjoy life. Things will get better, don't give up.
You do need to seek help somewhere. I know it's hard to do in your state. I've been there. Today's medications are wonderful and can make such a big difference! There are some free clinics around and there are pharmaceutical companies that may get you meds for free, if you qualify. Don't wait any longer. Even if you have to pay for it, it WILL be worth it! Hang in there...you deserve to feel better!
If you go to your hometown, social service organization, or public health center. They will, I'm sure see that you get the help you need. My son suffers from situational depression. He was able to get therapy for free through social services. We live in Pa. Always remember the suicide is a permanent solution to a short-term problem. You are still a human being and deserve the right to get medical help for an emotional problem. Please I urge you to look into this. Take care of yourself, you are all that you have. Be strong
Please go see a doctor even if you have to borrow the money for the initial visit.
Explain to the doctor what your financial issues are. There are lots of people without
insurance right now and I am sure the doctor can help you with your financial issue as well as your depression issues. You have been so brave to fight this alone but it is
starting to get the best of you. Seek help...no one is unworthy of happiness and
love. You need to love your self and yes you will find love. There is someone for
everyone. Please go see a doctor.. You are worth it!!
One thing you can do is to stay on this board and just talk to someone and say whatever is on your mind. I too have been depressed for as long as I can remember and I have tried several things that have worked at one time or another. Try journaling. I would write my thoughts down because I did not think anyone would really care if I told them and I was afraid I would scare them away with all my problems. Sometimes I would be very angry and upset and would yell in my writings, you know, big letters, spastic writing, etc. One time I really wanted someone to know that I was dying inside and I wanted them to know how much it hurt so I wrote a letter and mailed it to an anonymous person I picked from the phone book. Now I would not suggest that as therapy, but it was what I needed at that time. I knew someone would read it but I also knew that I would never meet this person either. Talking and writing are good therapies. Also, try volunteering your services with a non-profit organization. There is nothing more theraputic than helping an organization that gives to it's community. Giving is truly receiving. Your efforts are rewarded with kindness and love, which helps you to feel better about yourself. Out of everything I have tried, volunteering works the best (for me).
I realize that you may be terrified to initiate contact with a doctor or a therapist but it is something that you must gather strength and do, especially if you do want to live. Make that first move and you will start feeling more confident from there. There are many free and low cost clinics available to the public but the public doesn't really know about them all. Most universities have them. I live in AZ and there is an organization here called Terros. They are a crisis intervention organization for anyone contemplating suicide. They will even come to your house and pick you up. They will give you free medication for the first time and then counsel you on applying for state free insurance. Do some looking around. You will be surprised what you can find.
I wish you luck and confidence. Come back for more chats too.
Hi there! I just read this I as I was reading I realized how much I can relate to your story. I am 30 years old and I have dealt with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. In the past I did not know what the heck was going with me, but I knew something was wrong. I have made so many mistakes and got myself in a big financial mess that feel I'll never get out of. 
I've tried for such a long time to find someone to be in a relationship with, but it so difficult. One thing I've got going on for me is my job. I've been at my job 11 years and I like it a lot. I get down and out sometimes when I start thinking about my problems. But I've realized that when I dwell on them I start to get really depressed. So instead of thinking about my problems and the bad stuff, I focus on the good things. If you think of something that makes you happy, and makes you smile focus on it.
And let me tell you you should talk to somebody. But talk to someone you know you can trust. There is nothing to be ashamed of. So many people are dealing with depression in this country these days. And it doesn't surprise me with the way things are these days, and the economy the way it is today. If I were you I would talk to somebody. It really does help! Well I hope you start feeling better and good luck to you! Take care!
Kelly
To Mr 28 year old. I read your story and feel for you. I think there is something deeper in your life that needs to be addressed. I recently lost my husband of 27 years and found myself in need of something. I was becoming depressed, anxiety set in and WOW..........I started a 12 week greif recovery class...Please keep reading. Greif is not just having someone in your life die. It can be from a loss of trust, moving from place to place, loosing a job. There are multipule reasons that we greive. After entering into this class ,what brought me there was not what I ended up finding was what I was greiving in my life. It was my husbands death that triggered the hugh landslide, but it was a loss of trust that I had to go back to face and complete the pain that it had caused in my life. get on line and look for www.grief-recovery.com. You can also get there book and do the asignments by yourself. they are usually inexpensive. My class cost me $20 but is a priceless experience and I got my life back and now that I have the proper tools I can move through the pain I have and feel better about myself.
good luck
i have been living with depression for four years now and i completely understand your feelings of worthlessness i have that most of the time every thing i do just seems to reinforce that idea for me and even when im around the people i care about i feel the same. My depression was diagnosed 2 years ago when my mother forced me to see a doctor. it was hard for me to sit there and explain how i had been feeling, the thoughts of suicide, the self-harming and all the bad choices i had made due to how i felt. the best help they gave me was a conseller and even then i couldnt be asked to go. ive managed to control myself to a certain extent because of my fear of rejection but i still find it hard to face the world most days, i have work monday-friday and everyday i get up and just want to ring sick but i some how manage to force myself to go and pretend that things fine that im recovering, my advice to you would be to try a doctor if you can,conselling would also be a good idea, please just dont let this ruin your life anymore i wish that i would have faced it sooner because now i feel like i will have this for the rest of my life and thats when the bad thoughts start happening and you dont want them. i dont know excactly what its like for you to see a doctor because im guessing from the things ive read that you live in the states so its different for me cause i live in the uk so i dont need insurance to be able to see and doctor but whether its free or not you should try to see one its the best way forward
As long as you're not currently taking any depression medication because you are not supposed to mix them, why not try Saint John's Wort. I use it and swear by it. It is an herbal remedy and is sold where vitimins are sold. It is said to boost serotonin levels kind similar to the way Prozac, Zoloft, and the like do.
JRB
Depression is very, very common, so you are NOT alone! If you can't see your doctor, see another one- a good cognative behavorial psychologist (a PhD) works for me, but you may need a psychiatrist (MD) as well. Actually i have both. If there is a hospital or especially a medical school nearby they may take folks on a sliding scale - you lose nothing by asking.
Hi there,
Well I'm a 31-year old female struggling with depression for 18-years and it started at age 13. I can sympathise with you and what you are going through is terrible and you don't deserve no matter what mistakes that you've made everybody does and even I do. I'm sorry that your having financial problems and I am as well and it doesn't help with the economy going to hell. That isn't our fault about that at all and my boyfriend broke up with me a year ago because I went to the PCU unit so many times and he doesn't understand and he would call me crazy. That is so mean and that made me alot worse psychologically.
I wanted to give up on men because I always attrack some scumbags and they come to me and I don't know why. All I ever wanted was a loving man that will love me for me and expect me for me and not judge me or turn there backs on me over stupid things. The problem is that I'm too good of a person and I'm vurnable which isn't that good. I hold things in then I will explode and flip out which isn't good.
Don't be ashamed about anything why should you.
feel free to email me anytime @ Englishteapot29@verizon.net
Take care
I had something really wierd happen to me, when I was In highschool.
In grade ten I was the leader and the toughest girl around nothing bothered me.
I was also very happy and free going with allot of friends I was very popular
and cheerful, not that I was a mean person or anything, Life just seemed to go with the flow day by day. Everybody turned to me for support and leadership. I may have been the toughest gal around however I was a good friend and treated everyone with respect. I was in every kind of sport, and an outdoors person.
If you ask my best friend back then if she saw any thing wrong or my family, they would be like no she is the happiest most confident person alive.
Then that day, that week something happend the next year, and I can almost put my foot on the day it happend. It was grade eleven, things were going pretty good then I started to feel funny, like a wave just came over my body at school, I became very dizzy, lethargic, tired and not my usual self. I then started to panic what the hell is going on , then days went by and I got extremely tired which then made me even more scared and then finally I broke down and cried. My mom noticed a change in me almost
immediately she new something was wrong so she came with me to the doctor.
When I first went to the doctor I told them what happend so they did test after test after test long story short they had no idea what the hell was wrong . So first thing that they do they prescribe me medication for depression, and send me home like it was cough medicine or something. I then was in bed for three months with absoloutely no idea what was wrong , it was very very frightening, I could not go to school, and I started to think weird ,the world just seemed to be so intensified, so big, then I stared getting feelings of intense sadness and pain in my body, it was like my brain and body were put in a vice and it was squeezing, and because of the pain of the vice my thoughts just seemed to not connect properly. I can tell you I had never experienced anything in my life more traumatic. Depression is very real, it almost feels like your having a diabetic attack except it lasts longer and their is nothing to relieve the pain in your body , unless you happen to get the right medication and wait 2-3 ecruciating weeks. I don't mean to scare you, but I am telling you need to go to the doctor, the sooner you treat it the better, otherwise it might intensify and get worse, and that is painful.
As far as telling your family and friends, they do not understand unless they have been through the same illness. Allot of people in general do not get the whole picture, of how serious and debiliatating deppression can be. Their are allot of illnesses out there and just because it shows up in your blood test, they are treated differently by doctors and the general public with more compassion and respect. If you are having a physical attack like a diabetic or life crippling illness, you are treated with open arms. If the same person with real excruciating physical and mental pain from depression is treated they just do not get taken seriously, or they are pushed away, to deal with it on their own, hoping that it will just go away, try telling a diabetic to get better with out any meds it just would not happen, but yet people with depression which are temporarily lacking a substance are treated differently. I know this because it happend to me and I know when it attacked, and it was not a character flaw, it did not come because I lacked confidence, it did not come because their is something wrong with me, it just happend like any other illness happens, and once everyone relizes this and is willing to change their veiws on it as a whole, then people will start to come forward with the illness, otherwise their will be allot of people suffering in silence.
Depression has changed my life and it happend so suddenly, and to this day I still struggle with the various symptoms, I just can't get back to that same person that I used to be. I have tried pills that did work for me, however it is finding the right one. I have had years where I was feeling allot better then this crippling and debilitating wave comes again, it is very painful. My family over the years has not taken it seriously, they do not know how to help, I don't even know sometimes, you just have to stay strong and fight, the grass is greener on the otherside, you just have to wait and be patient, it does get better. Also another thing is the sooner you treat it the chances of relapse are quite slim. I cannot tell you exactly what too do, that is a hard question,the answer to that one would be -I don't think anyone knows what to do, or they would do it along time ago. One day they will find a cure.
Sometimes I feel very alone and ashamed, my confidence and who I once was has hurt allot because of this, it has changed who I am as a person physically and emotionally. I am not that tough and happy girl I once was, and I do not know how to get it back. Allot of people would not understand , unless you have delt with it first hand. Including the just snap out of it people , which I cannot stand, it makes me so mad and their ignorance on the subject.
Depression can be very scary, and traumatic, it is like a shock to the system, that just does not seem to go away. I have struggled many years on and off, it will get better. I have managed to finish school, however it has taken me along time to finish , because of setbacks, if it strikes, try telling your teacher that you have to take off 3 months of school, it just does not happen and it's embarrassing because they just don't seem to get it.
Through all of this I did manage to get my degree in school, and have a very successful job, it is very tough hiding it from the people you work with unless you are the boss, then it is a little bit easier because you get more holidays then the average employee. I would not want it getting around though because I still think that it is not quite understood in the workplace. It is very sad, mabey one day peoples perspective will change. I think that depression is getting more undertood by people in general over the years. I don't think they had a clue 15 years ago though.
I remember sitting and thinking, about all those times that my friends called for me to go out with them, and I said that I can't. I then sat alone the whole night wanting to go out, but I didn't know how to, I was in so much pain. If you don't have depression
you would not understand what I am talking about. I f you have then you probably know. I am very quiet now and I stick to myself allot.
Depression changed me.
Anyways stay strong,
GO TO THE DOCTOR.
You must get medical help no matter what the situation is.Do you have any family that could help or maybe a good friend.Don't wait because this condition will not go away and as you get older it will get harder to function in this world today.Do you have a job?Try social security or social services in your state but get some help now.
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You have a chemical imbalance and you need to seek professional help. I've been in love while depressed and that wasn't enough. I don't advocate going to a hospital unless you are contemplating suicide. Psych wards are not a place for the depressed. All they ask you is "do you want to hurt yourself or anyone else" and then you don't see anyone for the rest of the day and are surrounded by really unfortunately mentally ill people. You need to open up to your friends and family which takes humility and guts. THat will be the biggest load off of your shoulders b/c trust me they already know. You are not alone. People care. Stop isolating and tell someone. ITs the most therapeutic thing you can do for yourself.
I understand. I've been battling depression since about age 12 knowingly, but before that unknowingly I think, if that makes sense. Definitely don't go to a hospital unless you are going to die and don't want to. They will make you feel worse.
Be careful about telling your family. Don't tell your family if you think you can't trust your inner feelings with them. If they are part of the reason you're depressed, for instance if an abusive upbringing is part of why you are depressed, or some other type of upbringing is why you are depressed, it is not always a safe thing to tell your family. One way to judge, if you're not sure, is to reflect upon how they react to other types of things that are psychological or psychiatric. Do they scoff at those things? When it's reported on TV that someone, well known people (not just movie stars) or not, have psychological problems or commit suicide, do they make comments like "It's all in their head," or "Get over it"? Do your friends do the same? Or are your friends and family more compassionate. Were you bullied by your family or someone in your family when growing up? Is there someONE in your family who is more enlightened and sensitive about this issue than others?
It can make your situation worse if your family isn't receptive to hearing that you feel this way, and if they know they were part of the cause of your self-esteem problem. (For instance, there is a part of the brain called the "amygdala" which can get damaged as with PTSD that may have happened while growing up, and if your family was part of that damage process, telling them may bring out the behavior again, which will bring out the hurt again).
Depending on what part of the country you live in, and how big the town / city is where you live, there may be community resources available to you that are low cost. I don't know if anything is no-cost anymore. There are 800 numbers for suicide prevention as well. I have them somewhere, and will write another message with them when I find them, but you might also be able to Google them. They might be a way to have therapy if absolutely nothing else is available. I used to call the local suicide prevention hotline every night when I was 14, after I was sure my parents and sister were asleep because I was going to kill myself if I didn't. It helped me a lot.
There's a website that has all of the links for the contacts for the various pharmaceutical companies' phone numbers and their websites (if they have one) to apply for assistance if your doctor has prescribed their particular medicine. I'll try to find that, and post again, too.
That brings us to you not being able to go to a doctor. It makes me think that you might be in a small town where there is one doctor, or maybe only two, or a handful, and everyone knows your business. I lived in a town like that for three years, and it drove me crazy! I do know that although doctors are supposed to keep their confidentiality clause, maybe you've had a bad experience with the doctor in your town? Whatever the reason you can't go to the doctor, IF you can go to a low-cost clinic, they often have their own psychiatrist there, so that may take care of the doctor access issue.
There is usually a university with a medical center in every state. Is there a way you can take a trip, ostensibly for another reason, and go to a psychiatrist there? Universities with medical centers are teaching hospitals, and they usually have sliding scales. You wouldn't have to see that doctor for therapy, just "medication management" it's called. You have to go less often than seeing a therapist. They might also have a therapist you could have phone therapy with. When they see how motivated and desperate you are for help, but at the same time what a corner you're in, they may be willing to help / stretch their usual protocol. And, if you're in a rural setting, they may be used to patients like you who can't travel for every appointment.
Lastly, I'm not promoting this drug, and I'm not a psychiatrist and can't evaluate you or suggest anything for you, but anti-depressants like Cymbalta are also approved for other uses, like neuropathic pain and fibromyalgia, so doctors can go higher on the dosage than the normal anti-depressant dosage. It wasn't until I got up to the highest dose for fibromyalgia with Cymbalta that I felt any decent effects on Cymbalta. I felt better at the highest depression dose, but I felt a LOT better at the hightest fibromyalgia dose. By a LOT better for me, I mean that it only occurs to me to kill myself 3 or 4 times a week instead of all of the time. I, however, have a very resistant form of refractory Major Depression. My type is very rare, and chances are extremely good that yours isn't like mine.
A note about therapy: One thing that will be offered undoubtedly is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It can be very helpful. If it doesn't do magical things for you like is sometimes promised, however, and you are working your butt off with it, don't feel like a failure. Sometimes it just doesn't work. Sometimes it does, but sometimes it works part-way, a little or not at all. The Cognitive Behavioral folks publish a lot, and it does work for a certain subset of people (don't quote me, but I'm pretty sure it's minor to medium depression, minor without meds [these people usually don't need meds, just therapy] and medium depression with meds), but sometimes the depression is so deep that it needs more heavy equipment than Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. More real talking, real listening, a therapist who is extremely well-versed in many many modalities, and can meet you where you are, and not only offer the cookie-cutter modality of Cognitive Behavioral. You've been feeling badly for a long, long time. It's sometimes difficult to find a therapist, because you're interviewing people for that job; someone to take care of your feelings, and to help you work through them, and find a way through them to feeling differently, and ultimately better. That has to be a person you connect with as an equal (not someone who sees themselves above you), who respects you, and who knows their stuff. Sometimes it takes a couple of sessions to see how it's going to go, and it can be emotion-wrenching. I've had therapists even put me down, and therapists who seem to think that the time was for them to talk, taking a subject I bring up and yakking and yakking, no matter that I say I want to talk about something else, interrupt them blantantly, put my hand up in the air almost in their face in the "stop" position (and with this particular one, though she wanted me to be on time per her written instructions, for this, only our second session, she was 10 minutes late but wanted to end on time. I told her "No, you were 10 minutes late and you owe me 10 minutes, and I'm going to talk now," and then told her for about 4 or 5 to reflect back on how she had handled the session (constantly talking when I repeatedly told her to stop, etc.), and that I wouldn't be coming back. There are some real dooseys out there. I never thought that I would run into some of the abuse I have via therapists, but unfortunately, the same people who are human beings are also therapists. I didn't think they'd pick that job, but they do. I'm sorry if this is a downer, but I do wish someone had warned me, because I went home more than once very angry, worn out, and wanting to commit sucide even more because I was blindsighted by a profession that has just as many loonies as the next. This isn't foolproof either, but if you can get referrals from people you trust, it's much better than being assigned to someone.
I hope you are still hanging in there, and I hope you can tell at least one or two people. There are people who know in my life, but they are not supportive. I wish you the best in finding supportive people. I KNOW it would make a WORLD of difference in my life. I don't necessarily want to even talk about it, I just wish there were people who knew about it who wouldn't mind when I'm having a hard day (and I don't always have hard days), whose first thought isn't to tell me to "Snap out of it. We all have hard days," because they don't understand Clinical Major Depression as opposed to the blues, and don't care to educate themselves, and haven't read anything I've given them on the subject.
I'll do my absolute best to find those national suicide hotline numbers, and the 800 numbers and websites for the pharmaceutal companies' who offer help or free medicine for people who meet their qualifications. You might be able to find some, or a 800 suicide hotline for your state or county by calling information, or toll-free (800) information (1-800-555-1212).
Julie