I feel like I've only stayed alive for last 15 years or so for other poeple. I accepted the fact that i'm just a miserable person a long time ago. My father convinced me when I was 15 that "no matter what you do, you'll never please anybody." And I believed it then, despite it being an awfull thing to say to your son, as much as I do today as it has only been proven truer by the day. So what's the point in "getting through another day" when each one is worse than the last and there's no reason to believe that anything in the future will be better. Being someone who has contemplated suiced for about 2 thirds of my life now, i begin to feel that all the regular reasons not to do it, "thing's will get better", "you need to think more positively", just don't apply to me. So i sit here nowadays, wishing that by doing it, it wouldn't hurt my family so much, b/c that's about the only reason not to anymore. It's like I look to god all the time just asking for his permission b/c the church tells me it's the worst sin a human can commit. So I'm supposed to spend 80 years in misery when I'm just one of those people who were wired wrong instead of cutting short a life that has hardly known a happy moment? ok, it's a week moment. but more and more, i feel I'm losing this battle. everyday I fight to convince myself not to do it. walking down the street i find it a battle not to fling myself in front of each car that passes. so far i am undefeated in this daily battle to stay alive. but all it takes is one loss and the game's over. but everyday i can tell that i'm one day closer to breaking that winning streak and giving in. i know my last post got a lot of responses and I appreciate them. I read them all and they definately helped. I'm sorry I didn't respond. I guess in a way they helped enough to make me feel like i could ignore it.... for a while. But it just keeps coming back.
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I'm not going to give you the usual platitudes about "hanging in there" or "things will get better" because I've been to the depths of despair and those words don't mean much when you're that low. I'm also not going to say - "go ahead and do it" because at my age (48) and also having fought depression since I was 14, I know that perhaps, with hard work and a little luck, you may be able to beat this monster.
Instead, I want to ask you a few questions. What treatments have you sought? Have you tried medications? Is there anyone you trust enough to reach out to? Because before giving in, there must be one more treatment or medication to try or a friend who will listen to you to ease your agony. Don't give up without trying everything first. Suicide is alway an option. It can be done now or a few days, months, or years from today. But once the deed is done, there are no more chances at life. It's all over.
Staying alive for your family is a great reason. My brother committed suicide when I was 25 and he was 21. Let me tell you, it destroyed the family. My parents divorced soon after. I was in college and doing great until his death. I was devastated and couldn't concentrate on school. I left college 'for a short break" to get my head together. I never went back. The survivors live with the guilt that perhaps they could have done something different to keep him alive. 23 years later, I think of him daily and still have some guilt. More than anything, he has missed his brothers and sisters getting married. He has missed the births of his nieces and nephews and so many holidays. I know you think there is no future for you. But, at my age, I know differently.
Another reason to stay alive is to not let your father win. He has done this to you. He has predicted your future. Prove him wrong! Fight hard, work hard, fight the pain but don't let him win! By accepting the "fact" that you are a miserable person, you have lived down to that statement. You can be happy, you can be what ever you choose to be. Choose to survive. Choose happiness. Get angry at your father and use that as motivation to live.
For now though, you really, really need someone to talk to before it's too late. Call the suicide hotline, call 911, call someone, anyone before you do something out of desperation. Go to the ER and talk with the pretty nurses, eh? Having been in your position, I know you should not be out on the streets. You are too close to death. If you have just a little fight left in you, check yourself into a hospital. Give yourself, and life one more chance. You can always change your mind later.
I won't lie to you. From where you are now to happiness that you deserve is a long, slow fight. But I promise, it's worth it. I know. I've seen both sides. Death is too final. Give life one more chance!
Curt