My mood swings were unbelievable.  My depression quite often stuck me fast into a pit of such dispair I often thought suicide was the only answer.  I was on so many antidepressants and antipsychotics and often on three antidepressants at a time with an antipsychotic as well.  I had cognitive behavioral therapy as well.  My need to attach to someone who could be all things to me was so important to me that I was often beside myself with worry that my "support systems" would fail me when I was acutely suicidal and noone could stop me from doing the worst possible thing.  I hung on tightly to any relationship that gave me the least amount of support consequently, I could not shake the close alliance I had with my therapist.  I have had 15 yrs of a roller coaster ride that I thought would not have a good ending.  I did not realize that the answers we largely from within myself. 

I started going to a neighborhood Bible study some years ago and became a dedicated studier of God's Word.  I found so much comfort in it.  Verses such as in Philippians chapter four in which we read "be anxious for nothing but in all things make your requests known to God and the peace which passes all human understanding will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." I have realized that there is a Supreme Creator who is in total control and with having the faith to believe in Him I know that all that happens to me is for my ultimate good.  Though all that happens in this world may not always seem good however, the end result is going to be great.  As a child of God I know that I have a glorious future when this life is over.  I know that each set back is an opportunity to glorify God and make Him known to a lost world.

This thinking has completely changed my whole thought process.  My depression is gone.  My hypomania is in check.  I still see my psychatrist mainly to monitor my hypomania I feel no depression but I am concerned to some extent about the hypomania.  He says he is so impressed with my progress. 

Well I ever relapse again?  I do not know.  What I do know now is that I can win over these mood swings and I could need a session or two of therapy but I have since stopped the cognitive therapy. I find it within myself to go on and I have the strength to make it through.  It is such a comfort to know I can make it without relying on others to be there.  I know the thought here would be I am just a "nut" who got too close to "religion" but this is just not the case.  I no longer allow the voice of negativity to take over with the lies it feeds to me.

Right now we are going through some hard moments.  I live on a rural farm in ND.  we are expierencing the wettest year on record.  It is doubtful we will have much of a grain crop to sell this year.  The adverse winter conditions affected many livestock herds resulting in big losses.  This would have thrown me into a total depression earlier.  I know somehow we will get through it as God always has his eye on us we do not have to dispair.