Because I was molested at a young age from 8 to 13, I have done so maney stupid things in my life I droped out of schoo; at age 13.I left home moved in with aman 19 got preganet.in out in out in out, I went to lots of men because I wanted to be protected all seened to perverted never stopped to wounder why a 19 year old would move in a 13 year old youn grl. I am 40 now And dont trust any men I have come across. I am married and have been for ten years i have 2 children from this man. But my daudhter is 8 now and I am constantly watching every man in our lives for fear the same thing will happen to her. Its is starting to make my husband crazy. I was ok till she turned 8. My husband dosent know what happend to me so,and I dont want to share with him this hystory.
Hi, Distrusting. It's not surprising that you distrust men because of what happened to you. It happened to me, as well, but they were old men so for a while, I didn't want to be around my grandfather. I kind of put it out of my mind until years later when I was in therapy for depression and these incidents came up. You have kept this secret all these years and it's had to have taken a toll. What happened to you was abuse, which is trauma, which is still living on in you through your distrust in all men. I found therapy to be a life saver to work through feeling ashamed and worthless, especially since my parents never did anything about it, even though I told them. It feels sometimes like a scar that can't heal. I hope you will think about getting help with this, find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse issues and I think, in the end, you will feel a relief to get it out of hiding. Do you suffer from depression, as well? That was my way of coping with it and not very useful. It's still my preferred coping mechanism, but it's gotten better over time. I wish you all the best in trying to deal with this, it's not easy. Hope to hear from you again.
JUDY,
I TRIED TO TALK TO SOMEONE ONCE, I COULD NOT GO BACK. I CAN'T MAKE MYSELF TRUST HER OR ANYONE JUST CANT. AND I CANT AFORD A PRIVET DR. IM SCARED TO GO TO AN EAP AFRADE TO SEE SOME I KNOW..MY MARRIAGE ISNOT IN THE SHAPE AT THIS TIME.I HAVE SAID THINGS TO HIM IN THE PAST AND IT HAS BECOME A TOOL TO HURT MY FEELINGS WHEN WE FIGHT..IM NOT MAKING THINGS BETTER ...I FIND MYSELF STARTING FIGHTS JUST SO I AM ABLE TO SLEEP WITH MY DAUGHTER..I WATCH HER LIKE CRAZY. PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE IM CRAZY CUZ I MAKE HER GET DOWN FROM LAPS OF UNCKLES GRANDPAS FRIENDA OF FAMILY. I WONT LET ANYONE PICK HER UP IN THE POOL TAKE HER TO THE STORE OR GIVE HER MONEY OR GIFTS OTHER THAN BIRTHDAYS OR CHIRSMAS....BUT NOTHEN JUST BECAUSE..I HAD TWO DAUGHTERS FROM THE FIRTS MAN WAS THE SAME WITH THEM..ALL I CAN SAY IS I HAVE MY REASONS.MY HUSBAND LOOKS AT ME LIKE HE CAN SOMTHING BUT WONT ASK HE JUST LETA ME BE..WHAT AM I GONNA DO .. I THINK I'LL BE LIKE THIS UNTILL SHE TURNS 10 OR 15..HE SAYS I AM TO OVER PROTECTIVE WHEN WE GO SOME WHERE WHAT THIS IS OUR FAMILY WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM...I JUST DONT TRUST ANYONE..MY PREDITORS WERE FAMILY AND THERE FRIENDS IT COULD BE ANYONE. HOW COME..I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND HIS FAMILY. WHEN WILL I GET OVER THIS...
ITS MAKING ME CRSZY DEPREST I HAVE BEEN DEPREST FOR YEARS I HAVE MEDS BUT IT DONT HELP ME WITH MY FEARS FOR MY CHILDREN. IM SICK OF THIS IF IDIDNT AVE MY KIDS I WOLD HAVE KILLED MYSELF LONG AGO I JUST WANTED A NORMAL LIFE AND I WANTED TO GO TO SCHOOL BE SOMTHING I FEEL LIKE I HAD A SIGN ON MY HEAD SAYING" COME HURT ME" !!! WHAT DID I DO? HOW DID I ATTRACT SCH PEOPLE?
SOOOOO SORRY I JUST GET STARTED AND CANT STOP.
THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING
You say you tried to talk to someone once - I want to strongly encourage you to try again and ask for someone who specializes in sexual abuse. There is no pill, unfortunately, that is going to make you feel better about this - I know, I've been there. You are not allowing your daughters to grow as they should and you're not allowing your husband to love you as he wants to, and as you need, if you say you love him. At the very least, there might be therapy groups around for survivors of sexual abuse - I've been in those, too. Therapy can help you deal with what is actually safe for your daughters and yourself. I didn't think I could trust my therapist, either, but I kept working at it and she kept being there and eventually, it worked. Do you see how this is like a virus that has spread through your whole life, every facet of living? You are letting the abusers run your life, in a sense, as well as the lives of your family. Do you live in the U.S.? We have some information on how to get help when you have no insurance and no money which I can link you up with, if you want to give this a try. I really hope you will because I can see how afraid and hurt you are and I know from experience that it can get better. My husband and I had problems for quite a while because of my own history and I thought I had no choice but to leave, but he loved me enough to help work through it. You're not even giving yours a chance to help because he doesn't know anything about it, which is being unfair to him.
I don't want to sound too harsh, but I feel so strongly about this because of the good its done me and others I know that I just want to, again, encourage you to keep trying to get help. You see how the medication is not really fixing the problem. It can't. I'll be glad to be of support to you, as well, though I'm not a therapist - but I've had enough therapy I feel like a "para-therapist!"
I'm really hoping that you will decide to reach out and start to heal - none of this was your fault but it seems like a cruel twist that you're the one who has to do the healing. That is something I've been angry about, too, but therapy helps that, as well. Yes, there will be plenty of tears but some of them will be happy ones, eventually. You really can feel better.