can an untreated depression cause a man to HAVE AN AFFAIR

By BETH Wednesday, February 11, 2009

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I have been married for 22 years to a man that had bouts of depression throughtout our dating and married life. I have helped him to cope with it and it improved a great deal. Now its different, for the past 1 1/2 we opened a new buisness and the stress is greater, the hours are longer, and he started drinking more. He is cold, mean, short tempered w/us has no time for us but yet has time for everyone else. HE SHOWS NO FEELINGS AT ALL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM CRY OR SHOW SOME SORT OF SORROW FOR US IN 1 1/2. He started hanging around people that are trash. People he would of never given the time of day to in the past. Now he tells me he had and affair, there was always alcohol envolved and after the 3 time he decided to end the affair. But she wont let him. He has come clean to me(wife) and his children. When I told him I filed for a divorce and he could leave, I didn't want him anymore HE BROKE DOWN. The last time i seen my husband like this was when he was younger and he had such a bad break down because of a situation in his life he thought of suicide. His father commited suicide. He is a very private man and doesn't beleive in airing his diry laundry. He never believed in marriage counseling. shrinks, nothing. Now he begged me to give him another chance, says that wasnt the man i married, asked me to go to marriage counseling /psychotherapist. I agreed for the kids sake, but i told him i don't feel the same about him, I wanted out. We have been to the counselor for 1 1/2 months and I have to admit he is a different man. even better than the one i married, which is hard to believe, because i didnt think he could get any better. The counselor told us he was going thru a depression, he had all the traits of depression. we even spoke about getting on medication, which in the past he never believed in it. after he told me about the affair he could hardly function during the day and night. His emotions were so out of control all he did was cry cry cry, call me and cry and kept saying he was so sorry, begging for forgiveness telling me he couldnt live without us. He stopped drinking, stopped working long hours, comes home on time, keeps promises, doesnt take anything for granted anymore, and is getting counseling once a week.SO my question to you is can depression lead a man to have an affair??? He told the counselor he felt like he wasnt good enough. How can having sex with the town whore make you realize that you love your family?? I really dont believe that depression can make you turn into someone else, and make you have an affair. We are in control of our actions he should of kept his pants up and thought of how much he loved his wife and kids. I think its a cheap excuse for having an affair, HE WANTED SEX WITH THIS WHORE AND HE DIDNT CARE FOR ANYONE BUT HIMSELF, THATS SELFISH ON HIS PART. nOW ITS BECAUSE HES GOING THROUGH A DEPRESSION,,,,I DONT THINK SO. I DONT BELIEVE IT. THATS BULLSHIT

Comments (8) | Add comment

psychoward1

2/11/09 7:00pm

You are getting counseling for yourself since you need to bounce back from this horrble situation.

In my opinion depression is like the worst place a person can be because it is highly influenced by the circumstances around the person. My depression follows the pattern that I am continually unhappy with my life and if a young beautiful woman came along and offered me a different taste of life I might have to jump on that. And if I was an alcoholic on top of that. Well lets just say it would happen a lot faster. Sounds like your husband is very prone to addictions and will struggle with that. He needs the counseling.

You need counseling to help you deal with the happenings around you. Where do you want this relationship to go. If you still love him or are hanging on out of a fear or loneliness. Sounds like he broke a major moral with you and now you're questioning yourself.

You need to figure out if your going to stay in that battle with him...

Pat

BETH

2/13/09 10:25am

Hi Pat, thanks for the kind words. I do want to tell you though that my husband isnt an alcoholic. The only time he drinks is when he is depressed. Thats how i can tell when hes going thru it, otherwise he hardly ever drinks except on special occasions.The girl wasnt younger or prettier shes considered the town trash. Thats what i don,t uderstand, if your going to ruin your whole family and marriage why not do it with someone who is at least on the same level of your wife.Not someone that everyone refers to lower than shit. He use to always say that about her. I refuse to let what my husband did change my mind of who and what i am. I didnt degrade myself he did. I dont have to live with the guilt like he does, and boy does he have guilt, more so when we are all together as a family. I hate the both of them, but more towards my husband because he is the one that took the vow to be faithful. I come from a well to do family with VERY HIGH MORALS and was taught at an early age that other peoples actions do not reflect on who I am. I dont want to stay with him, BUT WHEN YOU HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN WHO HAVE KNOWN NOTHING ELSE BUT A VERY VERY HAPPY CHILDHOOD AND THEIR PARENTS LOVING EACH OTHER SOMETIMES AS A MOTHER YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR KIDS HAPPINESS BEFORE YOUR OWN. Now after all these years of his depression and everything that has happened in our marriage he is finnally changing, seeking help and getting on meds for depression. But i think it might be a little too late. I know depression can make a person do alot of things and i have educated myself thru the years, but i dont know anymore.

sandy

2/11/09 10:47pm

I'm sure the depression and alcohol played a role in his decision but I don't believe it should be used as an excuse. I have depression so I do know what it is like. I think he needs to own up to what he did without any excuses coming with it. I did it because I made that decision and I am sorry type thing. You have to decide if you can go on with him having an affair, excuses or not. It sounds like he has made a lot of positive changes and now the affair issue needs to be addressed at least for your sake. I agree in that it should not be used as an excuse.

beth

2/16/09 10:41am

hi Sandy, thank you for writing to me. You are right it shouldn't be used as an excuse. I brought that up when we went together to the therapist. Before she could even answer me my husband spoke up and said whether it was a depression or not it is his mistake and he has to live with that now. He has answered every question I have asked him, even questions I wish I would of never asked. I know he has depression but can depression change your emotions and clear thinking? Can it make you do and act different? THAT DIFFERENT? Why would it get to this point? It never got that bad in the past? Now that he has done a full turn around, He not only looks better and feels better, but he deals with things differently. HE HAS EMOTIONS NOW. I asked him how his life has changed now that he MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE. HIS REPLAY He has lost my love, and knows he can never get it back, at least not the way I use to love him. He feels dirty, What do you say to something like that? I dont know anymore or maybe I just dont care and tired of all the bullshit.

sandy

2/16/09 12:44pm

Hi Beth,

The thing with depression is it does change your emotions and your thinking. However, just like anything else you can't use it as an excuse. Just like oh I did this because I was on drugs. The thing is whether or not he did it because of the depression and alcohol he has to made amends to what he did. I do think the depression and the alcohol probably played a role in his actions. However, at this point that isn't what this is about anymore. When an affair happens under whatever circumstances the marriage is turned up side down. Right now you are very, very hurt and confused which is normal and completely understandable. So my suggestion is don't make any major decisions while you are so hurt, angry and confused. Your husband should understand your emotions and be willing to give you the time to figure out what you want to do. You have to decide whether you can get past this and forgive him. Right now you are not there. Get counseling for yourself and then when you are thinking more clearly make whatever decision you need to make. He broke a major trust and it will take time to work thru that. A lot of time has been given to your husband with his depression and now is the time for you and your feelings.

dandy

3/20/12 1:34pm

Just a few words to share............you have every right to be bitter and I know and feel your pain and hurt. I also know that the bitterness and anger will bleed you to death and misery will be your partner in life forever if you do not put your bitterness and anger aside. If you are a christian you need to read Hebrew.....

I have lived through several accounts/acts of infidelity in my marriage and stayed for the sake of my children and out of fear of being alone. After 40 years of marriage and 20 years of feeling worthless, bitter, depressed and angry I wish I could just have had the the money and guts to leave. Look for your joy in life first in God and pray and trust in God to give you the ability to forgive and try to forgive this time. If it happens again, leave...............today however put your trust in God to make your marriage work and to heal your heart. I now wonder if all the years of depression was not depression and lack of self worth brought on by my husbands habital acts of infidelity.

I am bipolar and have been since my early twenties....so yes depression can cause u to make irrational decisions and mistakes! Don't live a life of hatred, bitterness, and anger. We all are sinners and deserve forgiveness. I recommend that you go to withoutwax.tv/2012/01/23/poisonous-root and read the the Poisonous Root. This has helped me to realize that I stayed all these years and suffered tremendous accounts of heartaches and bitterness and depression only to realize just in the past few weeks that I could of had more joy in my life if I could of let go of the bitterness and resentment and forgiven him. I should have left after it happened again yet I did not. I know ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING....I Know that I have to first seek my joy in life from God and he will bless me with joy in other areas of my life. God bless you and your family

beth

2/19/09 10:33am

Everything i read about depression says people have a hard time getting thru the day, or cant go to work, or dont want to be around people. My husband has depression and this is how it is. He works all the time, sometimes too much. He starts alot of projects and doesnt finish most of them, he gets mean, short tempered, no patience with us, but the biggest thing is he shows no emotions, doesnt cry, very into himself, doesnt open up and talk about his feelings,just a completely different person. Like living with a stranger, He will drink too. He talks with you but you can tell he doesnt really care what you have to say. Its like he forgets about his family. No time for us but time for everyone else. forgets whos important in his life. JUST A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. Not now he get counseling once a week and starting meds, learning to deal with his depression. Feels much better. Hes a man with feelings now. So is this another type of depression or something else?

RCH

2/20/09 2:00am

Read "I Don't Want To Talk About It" by Terrance Real. I think you will get a lot from this book - it will go a long way to understanding what is happening. And if you can get your husband to read it? Even better.

can an untreated depression cause a man to HAVE AN AFFAIR

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