can an untreated depression cause a man to HAVE AN AFFAIR

BETH Community Member February 11, 2009
  • I have been married for 22 years to a man that had bouts of depression throughtout our dating and married life. I have helped him to cope with it and it improved a great deal. Now its different, for the past 1 1/2 we opened a new buisness and the stress is greater, the hours are longer, and he started drinking more. He is cold, mean, short tempered w/us has no time for us but yet has time for everyone else. HE SHOWS NO FEELINGS AT ALL, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM CRY OR SHOW SOME SORT OF SORROW FOR US IN 1 1/2. He started hanging around people that are trash. People he would of never given the time of day to in the past. Now he tells me he had and affair, there was always alcohol envolved and after the 3 time he decided to end the affair. But she wont let him.  He has come clean to me(wife) and his children. When I told him I filed for a divorce and he could leave, I didn't want him anymore HE BROKE DOWN. The last time i seen my husband like this was when he was younger and he had such a bad break down because of a situation in his life he thought of suicide. His father commited suicide. He is a very private man and doesn't beleive in airing his diry laundry. He never believed in marriage counseling. shrinks, nothing. Now he begged me to give him another chance, says that wasnt the man i married, asked me to go to marriage counseling /psychotherapist. I agreed for the kids sake, but i told him i don't feel the same about him, I wanted out. We have been to the counselor for 1 1/2 months and I have to admit he is a different man. even better than the one i married, which is hard to believe, because i didnt think he could get any better.  The counselor told us he was going thru a depression, he had all the traits of  depression. we even spoke about getting on medication, which in the past he never believed in it. after he told me about the affair he could hardly function during the day and night. His emotions were so out of control all he did was cry cry cry, call me and cry and kept saying he was so sorry, begging for forgiveness telling me he couldnt live without us. He stopped drinking, stopped working long hours, comes home on time, keeps promises, doesnt take anything for granted anymore, and is getting counseling once a week.SO my question to you is  can depression lead a man to have an affair???  He told the counselor he felt like he wasnt good enough. How can having sex with the town whore make you realize that you love your family?? I really dont believe that depression can make you turn into someone else, and make you have an affair. We are in control of our actions he should of kept his pants up and thought of how much he loved his wife and kids. I think its a cheap excuse for having an affair, HE WANTED SEX WITH THIS WHORE AND HE DIDNT CARE FOR ANYONE BUT HIMSELF, THATS SELFISH ON HIS PART. nOW ITS BECAUSE  HES GOING THROUGH A DEPRESSION,,,,I DONT THINK SO. I DONT BELIEVE IT. THATS BULLSHIT

13 Comments
  • philrewa
    Aug. 31, 2014

    Depression is so exhausting. One can have brief moments of release from their exhaustion. An escape like a woman's attention can temporarily make you feel amazing.Not am excuse just explanation. Depression is a strong precursor to infidelity.

  • In the Affair Club
    Jun. 24, 2014

    My husband did the same thing.  Years of depression treated with multiple meds, therapy and self medication, from toys to alcohol.  Spent thousands making himself feeling better it was never enough.   He was on a high when we met and lavished me with the world.  No sign or honesty about his issues with depression.  Suddenly...

    RHMLucky777

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    My husband did the same thing.  Years of depression treated with multiple meds, therapy and self medication, from toys to alcohol.  Spent thousands making himself feeling better it was never enough.   He was on a high when we met and lavished me with the world.  No sign or honesty about his issues with depression.  Suddenly the "feeling" was gone almost right after we tied the knot and he disappeared.  Pouring himself into 18 hour days at work and no vacations unless they were work related.  Very detached, moody but not bi polar, just disconnected.  I became a maid and he came to see me as the caregiver and caretaker of the household affairs along with a full time job.  I tried to reach into his heart and soul to no avail so in sorrow I poured myself into my own work and our family to soothe my own broken heart and disappointment with this emotionally unavailable man.  He didn't even care about sex.  Meds of course worsened that I am sure.  Would take drug holidays or go off them as he would "feel better" so he felt he didn't need them only to dive back down months later.  t

     

    This was our second marriage, and my first husband left me 5 years prior to this marriage for the other woman.   So why in God's name did I think this would be different?  He came across so caring and loving but now I see it all as a facade of the depression.  Like everyone said everyone else matters.  I was everyone one else initially, then I was no one after the new care smell wore off.

     

    Fast forward 17 years I uncover a messy LTA with thousands down the drain and piles of hidden debt to soothe his "worst depression" ever or so he claims.  I really many times just see this as an excuse.  This was the new drug of choice now to comfort his abyss.   I have studied depression in depth in college and now during and after this.  Read books on how to help and deal with spouses who are struggling.  I have shown empathy and compassion ad naseum.  We are a year out from this marital and financial tsunami but it feels like a big "what the hell happened?"  I am confident in nothing.  He tries but it almost seems insincere since he struggling again now more than ever with his depression and doing TNS since his he gave up his reason for living.  He says he does not want her, but he does not act like he wants me either.  How do you reconcile with a person like this?   He doesn't even want to be approached intimately, feel like the maid again but not a french one.

    Have had three counselors now alone and together and feel like I am only left to wait for the shoe to drop yet again.   When will he rekindle it or find another one to feel "high" and "happy" again.   Never saw him happier than when he was in the midst of that mess.   Little did I know why?  Also the man who no one thought would ever do that.   Thanks for your input.  

     

     

  • In the Affair Club
    Jun. 24, 2014

    My husband did the same thing.  Years of depression treated with multiple meds, therapy and self medication, from toys to alcohol.  Spent thousands making himself feeling better it was never enough.   He was on a high when we met and lavished me with the world.  No sign or honesty about his issues with depression.  Suddenly...

    RHMLucky777

    Read More

    My husband did the same thing.  Years of depression treated with multiple meds, therapy and self medication, from toys to alcohol.  Spent thousands making himself feeling better it was never enough.   He was on a high when we met and lavished me with the world.  No sign or honesty about his issues with depression.  Suddenly the "feeling" was gone almost right after we tied the knot and he disappeared.  Pouring himself into 18 hour days at work and no vacations unless they were work related.  Very detached, moody but not bi polar, just disconnected.  I became a maid and he came to see me as the caregiver and caretaker of the household affairs along with a full time job.  I tried to reach into his heart and soul to no avail so in sorrow I poured myself into my own work and our family to soothe my own broken heart and disappointment with this emotionally unavailable man.  He didn't even care about sex.  Meds of course worsened that I am sure.  Would take drug holidays or go off them as he would "feel better" so he felt he didn't need them only to dive back down months later.  t

     

    This was our second marriage, and my first husband left me 5 years prior to this marriage for the other woman.   So why in God's name did I think this would be different?  He came across so caring and loving but now I see it all as a facade of the depression.  Like everyone said everyone else matters.  I was everyone one else initially, then I was no one after the new care smell wore off.

     

    Fast forward 17 years I uncover a messy LTA with thousands down the drain and piles of hidden debt to soothe his "worst depression" ever or so he claims.  I really many times just see this as an excuse.  This was the new drug of choice now to comfort his abyss.   I have studied depression in depth in college and now during and after this.  Read books on how to help and deal with spouses who are struggling.  I have shown empathy and compassion ad naseum.  We are a year out from this marital and financial tsunami but it feels like a big "what the hell happened?"  I am confident in nothing.  He tries but it almost seems insincere since he struggling again now more than ever with his depression and doing TNS since his he gave up his reason for living.  He says he does not want her, but he does not act like he wants me either.  How do you reconcile with a person like this?   He doesn't even want to be approached intimately, feel like the maid again but not a french one.

    Have had three counselors now alone and together and feel like I am only left to wait for the shoe to drop yet again.   When will he rekindle it or find another one to feel "high" and "happy" again.   Never saw him happier than when he was in the midst of that mess.   Little did I know why?  Also the man who no one thought would ever do that.   Thanks for your input.  

     

     

  • Delta Dawn
    May. 21, 2014
    Beth, you just wrote what could have been my story-- less the drinking. My husband was from an alcoholic family so he didn't drink but has a the qualities still. I found out a year ago and my husband is now a better man than I married. He is very remorseful. He is on meds. He is in counseling but I am having a very hard time forgiving him. I keep reminding...
    RHMLucky777
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    Beth, you just wrote what could have been my story-- less the drinking. My husband was from an alcoholic family so he didn't drink but has a the qualities still. I found out a year ago and my husband is now a better man than I married. He is very remorseful. He is on meds. He is in counseling but I am having a very hard time forgiving him. I keep reminding myself that he didn't do this to me--he did this to himself. He knew I was going to find out because the other woman's husband discovered it ( it had been over for 10 months and was short lived to begin with) and told him he would tell me. He spent several days not talking or eating and he wanted to die. I never thought this was possible. The people I have told thought I was joking. He was not "that" kind of guy. I'm still hurt and angry about it. How long does it take? How did it work out for you? It seems statistically so common but yet the only people willing to talk about affairs are people divorcing.
  • restored
    May. 06, 2014

    This whole depression thing with Man vs. Woman is such a rotten kick in the teeth to any man who suffers with depression and has a wife who is OCD, and needs to have things her way and only her way. Try and seek help on the interenet and it is so obvious that almost everything written and studied is to help the woman. Wether she has depression, or dealing with...

    RHMLucky777

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    This whole depression thing with Man vs. Woman is such a rotten kick in the teeth to any man who suffers with depression and has a wife who is OCD, and needs to have things her way and only her way. Try and seek help on the interenet and it is so obvious that almost everything written and studied is to help the woman. Wether she has depression, or dealing with a spouse who does, or does it cause a man to have an affair. The entire medical world ought to be be totally ashamed of themself's with the information they put out there as it is so pro Woman Woman Woman it's enough to make me sick and want to just end it all. If you think I'm way out in left field, go on the interent and type in I'm a man with depression and need help, because my wife is OCD. Ninety five % of all the help articles are for Woman in how to dealo with a man with depression. Type in How to deal with a wife who has OCD and needs things her way. You'll find How to deal with a spouse with OCD. there will be no mention of WOMAN. Ther will be MAN however. Men don't have depression, and if woman do it is usually caused by MEN in some way shape or form. Currently I am having TMS treatments, as a last resort to fighting this disease I have lived with most of my entire life and I am 58 years old. Not once has my wife asked me one single thing about my treatments, what it feels like, does it hurt, is it uncomfortable, do you think it is helping, are you feeling any better, I'm sure you MEN are hearing this, but I doubt very many of you WOMAN are. It's about time he's doing something so I don't have to put up with his feeling blue all the time. I'm not counting on anything working though. I will continue to search and seek help how to deal with the mean actions and words directed at me, so I can be better. It is the same oh same oh, talk about discrimination. About 15 years ago she went on a rampage and screamed and hollowed for a couple hours straight, then locked herself in a bedroom so she didn't have to hear any repercussions to her points. The room was on the ground floor, I went outside because it was the middle of summer to have my say as the windows were up, and only the screens down. she tried to close the window and I put my hand through the screen and held the window up. We have a very old house and had those knotched sticks of hardwood to hold the windows up. She took that stick and beat my arm to were it had large red welts on it for a week. She ran outside, so I went in and locked the doors. She went to the police station. They claim they tried to find her a room for the night but everything was rented because a national baseball youth baseball tournement was being held in town. I had unlocked the doors and was in the family room, with the door open with the screen door closed. It was about midnight, and I was sleeping in my chair, I was woken by a police officer with two other officers with him. They removed me from my home because it would be eaiser for me to sleep in my vechicle. I showed them the welts on my arm, and they said this was a civil matter between my wife and me but that they had no choice but to remove me from the resisidence. I was not to return until after 9AM the following morning only with a police escort, to pick up some of my things until this matter had been worked out. While picking up some of my stuff with no clue as to why I was still being removed, ( I had never had any issue with the law besides traffic tickets), a female police officer was telling her that she can't legally advise her as to what to do, but the smart thing would be to have me permantely removed. My wife was crying and admitted that she had a tissy which escalated into her striking me, and that this isn't what she wanted. The police officer still said this is how things start and this is the time to stop it. We are still married and living in the same house. I was simply trying to find any helpful information, before the next time I visit with my shrink, as how to deal with her OCD, has to be my way attitude. Low and behold if I didn't have a penis I would have access to a ton of helpful information. The mental health industry should be ashamed of themselves as to still living in the dark ages when it comes to the nasty behaviors of WOMAN directed at the men they are married to. Please Dr. Phil, address this on your show more frequently as this discrimination is hardly ever mentioned at all.  Mean words can hurt some people way more than others. When one knows this is the case and uses it to their advantage it only makes things worse. The TMS treatment I am finding very helpful, and I think it is helping me realize that I'm not to blame for everything that doesn't go right. Hang in there MEN. It will take years for this to be corrected, but we can stick together in the mean time. No Ladies I don't drink or do drugs. I do work and contribrute. I am not mean spirited at all. I am home before my wife and I am totally uptight from the moment I start to think she will soon be home. If the roles were reversed you could find all kinds of info on the net to try and help you deal with this.

  • Anonymous
    beth
    Feb. 19, 2009

    Everything i read about depression says people have a hard time getting thru the day, or cant go to work, or dont want to be around people. My husband has depression and this is how it is. He works all the time, sometimes too much. He starts alot of projects and doesnt finish most of them, he gets mean, short tempered, no patience with us, but the biggest thing...

    RHMLucky777

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    Everything i read about depression says people have a hard time getting thru the day, or cant go to work, or dont want to be around people. My husband has depression and this is how it is. He works all the time, sometimes too much. He starts alot of projects and doesnt finish most of them, he gets mean, short tempered, no patience with us, but the biggest thing is he shows no emotions, doesnt cry, very into himself, doesnt open up and talk about his feelings,just a completely different person. Like living with a stranger, He will drink too. He talks with you but you can tell he doesnt really care what you have to say. Its like he forgets about his family. No time for us but time for everyone else. forgets whos important in his life. JUST A TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON. Not now he get counseling once a week and starting meds, learning to deal with his depression. Feels much better. Hes a man with feelings now. So is this another type of depression or something else?

    • Anonymous
      RCH
      Feb. 20, 2009

      Read "I Don't Want To Talk About It" by Terrance Real.  I think you will get a lot from this book - it will go a long way to understanding what is happening.  And if you can get your husband to read it?  Even better.

  • sandy
    Feb. 11, 2009

    I'm sure the depression and alcohol played a role in his decision but I don't believe it should be used as an excuse.  I have depression so I do know what it is like.  I think he needs to own up to what he did without any excuses coming with it.  I did it because I made that decision and I am sorry type thing.  You have to decide if...

    RHMLucky777

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    I'm sure the depression and alcohol played a role in his decision but I don't believe it should be used as an excuse.  I have depression so I do know what it is like.  I think he needs to own up to what he did without any excuses coming with it.  I did it because I made that decision and I am sorry type thing.  You have to decide if you can go on with him having an affair, excuses or not.  It sounds like he has made a lot of positive changes and now the affair issue needs to be addressed at least for your sake. I agree in that it should not be used as an excuse.

    • Anonymous
      beth
      Feb. 16, 2009

      hi Sandy, thank you for writing to me. You are right it shouldn't be used as an excuse. I brought that up when we went together to the therapist. Before she could even answer me my husband spoke up and said whether it was a depression or not it is  his mistake and he has to live with that now. He has answered every question I have asked him, even questions...

      RHMLucky777

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      hi Sandy, thank you for writing to me. You are right it shouldn't be used as an excuse. I brought that up when we went together to the therapist. Before she could even answer me my husband spoke up and said whether it was a depression or not it is  his mistake and he has to live with that now. He has answered every question I have asked him, even questions I wish I would of never asked. I know he has depression but can depression change your emotions and clear thinking? Can it make you do and act different? THAT DIFFERENT? Why would it get to this point? It never got that bad in the past? Now that he has done a full turn around, He not only looks better and feels better, but he deals with things differently. HE HAS EMOTIONS NOW. I asked him how his life has changed now that he MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HIS LIFE. HIS REPLAY He has lost my love, and knows he can never get it back, at least not the way I use to love him. He feels dirty,  What do you say to something like that?  I dont know anymore or maybe I just dont care and tired of all the bullshit.

       

    • sandy
      Feb. 16, 2009

      Hi Beth,

       

      The thing with depression is it does change your emotions and your thinking.  However, just like anything else you can't use it as an excuse.  Just like oh I did this because I was on drugs.  The thing is whether or not he did it because of the depression and alcohol he has to made amends to what he did.  I...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi Beth,

       

      The thing with depression is it does change your emotions and your thinking.  However, just like anything else you can't use it as an excuse.  Just like oh I did this because I was on drugs.  The thing is whether or not he did it because of the depression and alcohol he has to made amends to what he did.  I do think the depression and the alcohol probably played a role in his actions.  However, at this point that isn't what this is about anymore.  When an affair happens under whatever circumstances the marriage is turned up side down.  Right now you are very, very hurt and confused which is normal and completely understandable.  So my suggestion is don't make any major decisions while you are so hurt, angry and confused.  Your husband should understand your emotions and be willing to give you the time to figure out what you want to do.  You have to decide whether you can get past this and forgive him.  Right now you are not there.  Get counseling for yourself and then when you are thinking more clearly make whatever decision you need to make.  He broke a major trust and it will take time to work thru that. A lot of time has been given to your husband with his depression and now is the time for you and your feelings.  

    • dandy
      Mar. 20, 2012

      Just a few words to share............you have every right to be bitter and I know and feel your pain and hurt.  I also know that the bitterness and anger will bleed you to death and misery will be your partner in life forever if you do not put your bitterness and anger aside.  If you are a christian you need to read Hebrew.....

      I have lived through...

      RHMLucky777

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      Just a few words to share............you have every right to be bitter and I know and feel your pain and hurt.  I also know that the bitterness and anger will bleed you to death and misery will be your partner in life forever if you do not put your bitterness and anger aside.  If you are a christian you need to read Hebrew.....

      I have lived through several accounts/acts of infidelity in my marriage and stayed for the sake of my children and out of fear of being alone.  After 40 years of marriage and 20 years of feeling worthless, bitter, depressed and angry I wish I could just have had the the money and guts to leave.  Look for your joy in life first in God and pray and trust in God to give you the ability to forgive and try to forgive this time.  If it happens again, leave...............today however put your trust in God to make your marriage work and to heal your heart.  I now wonder if all the years of depression was not depression and lack of self worth brought on by my husbands habital acts of infidelity.  

      I am bipolar and have been since my early twenties....so yes depression can cause u to make irrational decisions and mistakes!  Don't live a life of hatred, bitterness, and anger. We all are sinners and deserve forgiveness.  I recommend that you go to withoutwax.tv/2012/01/23/poisonous-root and read the the Poisonous Root.  This has helped me to realize that I stayed all these years and suffered tremendous  accounts of heartaches and bitterness and depression only to realize just in the past few weeks that I could of had more joy in my life if I could of let go of the bitterness and resentment and forgiven him.  I should have left after it happened again yet I did not.  I know ONE VERY IMPORTANT THING....I Know that I have to first seek my joy in life from God and he will bless me with joy in other areas of my life.      God bless you and your family

  • psychoward1
    Feb. 11, 2009

    You are getting counseling for yourself since you need to bounce back from this horrble situation.

     

    In my opinion depression is like the worst place a person can be because it is highly influenced by the circumstances around the person. My depression follows the pattern that I am continually unhappy with my life and if a young beautiful woman came along...

    RHMLucky777

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    You are getting counseling for yourself since you need to bounce back from this horrble situation.

     

    In my opinion depression is like the worst place a person can be because it is highly influenced by the circumstances around the person. My depression follows the pattern that I am continually unhappy with my life and if a young beautiful woman came along and offered me a different taste of life I might have to jump on that. And if I was an alcoholic on top of that. Well lets just say it would happen a lot faster. Sounds like your husband is very prone to addictions and will struggle with that. He needs the counseling.

     

    You need counseling to help you deal with the happenings around you. Where do you want this relationship to go. If you still love him or are hanging on out of a fear or loneliness. Sounds like he broke a major moral with you and now you're questioning yourself.

     

    You need to figure out if your going to stay in that battle with him...

     

    Pat

    • Anonymous
      BETH
      Feb. 13, 2009

      Hi Pat, thanks for the kind words. I do want to tell you though that my husband isnt an alcoholic. The only time he drinks is when he is depressed. Thats how i can tell when hes going thru it, otherwise he hardly ever drinks except on special occasions.The girl wasnt younger or prettier shes considered the town trash. Thats what i don,t uderstand, if your going...

      RHMLucky777

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      Hi Pat, thanks for the kind words. I do want to tell you though that my husband isnt an alcoholic. The only time he drinks is when he is depressed. Thats how i can tell when hes going thru it, otherwise he hardly ever drinks except on special occasions.The girl wasnt younger or prettier shes considered the town trash. Thats what i don,t uderstand, if your going to ruin your whole family and marriage why not do it with someone who is at least on the same level of your wife.Not someone that everyone refers to lower than shit. He use to always say that about her. I refuse to let what my husband did change my mind of who and what i am. I didnt degrade myself he did. I dont have to live with the guilt like he does, and boy does he have guilt, more so when we are all together as a family. I hate the both of them, but more towards my husband because he is the one that took the vow to be faithful. I come from a well to do family with VERY HIGH MORALS and was taught at an early age that other peoples actions do not reflect on who I am. I dont want to stay with him, BUT WHEN YOU HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN WHO HAVE KNOWN NOTHING ELSE BUT A VERY VERY HAPPY CHILDHOOD AND THEIR PARENTS LOVING EACH OTHER  SOMETIMES AS A MOTHER YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR KIDS HAPPINESS BEFORE YOUR OWN.  Now after all these years of his depression and everything that has happened in our marriage he is finnally changing, seeking help and getting on meds for depression.  But i think it might be a little too late. I know depression can make a person do alot of things and i have educated myself thru the years, but i dont know anymore.