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By Janet Wednesday, April 22, 2009

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I am to go insane.

Chemical Depression has always been a part of my life. some people inherit money,

some of us inherit medical problems. But I have to hold it together for my daughter.

In the past two months almost everything has gone wrong.

My father is a hospice patient or should I say his body is the patient, he has not

been on this planet for months. My parents worked so hard all their lives, now

due to a thief and the stock market, my mother is not only having to deal with my

father's approaching death but major financial problems as well as her health.

Three weeks ago, after 18 years with the same company I was laid off. They

closed my department, it broke my heart. I put my heart and soul in my work.

I thought if you worked hard enough, everything would work out. WRONG !

My husband is disabled and has alot, alot, alot of medical problems. The company I worked for gave me NO serverance pay, but they are paying for their part of the medical insurance for three months. Some how I have to come up with the remainder. Umemployment is only $275 per week. It's better than nothing, but I have a husband, a teenager, a dog, a cat and a bunny to think about. I was living pay check to pay check, now what.

The first week of my lay off, I had to help my mother with legal issues and my

daughter through her first heart break with a boy. The second week was one

doctor's appointment after doctor's appointment. My daughter ended up in

the hospital with viral meningitis, she had to stay in the three days to be sure

it was not bacterial. Then my husband was operated on Tuesday, in a long line

of surgeries. I was always so careful not to let his medical appointments / issues

affect my job. In fact my job was my escape.

I need a job and fast. My life is a mess and I am trying so hard to make it look

like everything is OK, but it's not. My daughter goes off to college in two years,

she is my reason for getting up in the morning, otherwise turn out the lights.

Oh God why, I know their are alot of people with more problems or bigger

problems, but it still hurts.

Sorry, just needs to complain.

Comments (7) | Add comment

psychoward1

4/23/09 10:16am

Janet, Thats a whole lot on your plate. You should get with someone and figure out a support system. I know not having a job really stinks. I have been looking since sept08, and I've had 1 interview(hopefully hear good news this week). I took a claritin-d last night and havent slept a wink. Anyway keep holdin on..

Pat

jpw2008

4/23/09 12:00pm

Hi pat thanks again for your input.You must be one of the senior members here.Such knowledge and insight is greatly appreciated on this site. I can't help you with your sleeping problem. I'm not qualified for that. Not a docor or therapist. Just a Mental Health Patient who cares and is still learning to battle my own demons.

Keep up the good work

Jon P Ward

jpw2008

4/23/09 11:56am

hi janet

I feel for you. I don't imho know what to say. It's good to get it out of your system,Thank you for reminding me to do that. I hope you take good care of your daughter. Sounds like she really needs you. I know when I threated to commit suicide,my mother got real upset and almost cried. You see, We really don't know how we affect someone by are actions. It's important to keep a clear perspective in these troubled,very troubled times.

My sympathy for you and your daughter.

If I can help let me know

Sincerely,

Jon P Ward

jpw2008

4/23/09 12:03pm

just another thought,

You have friends you don't know about who cares. My friend calls them children of god. Special Angels who look out for you behind the scenes.

Fight Hard,

Keep Strong,

Jon Ward

ThereIsASolution

4/23/09 1:32pm

I wrote this for another poster, but what the heck. You are definitely in a pile of mess - but I think the following will remind you of some tactics that will help you from feeling overwhelmed and "rubbery":

Here's the quick on my progress from depressed to reasonably content human being:

Talk therapy for 38 years (more on than off) -
AA since 1984

Psychiatrist for meds since 1995 (last year finally found meds that really work - for me it's Wellbutrin & Buspar)

Here's the short 'n sweet of why I'm still alive and not in a rubber room:

Not allowed: Self-pity (OK, if it's a death or something horrible, you can "Why me"
                 for maybe 1 day - that's it)
                 "Your Ego Is Out To Get Your Ass" - for instance, you don't have a job,
                 but you feel it's "beneath you" to work at McDonald's because you have
                 a degree, blah blah blah - go work at McDonald's and shut up about it -
                 learn what you can, and keep sending out resumes etc. for a better job.

                 "I won't take meds because it's not natural" - bull. We are a pile of
                chemicals. If you're depressed, your brain chemistry is messed up, and
                 waiting for it to "fix itself" is stupid. Get some meds, take them as directed
                 and talk to the doctor before you change anything. DO NOT STOP TAKING
                 THEM unless you tell the doctor why you don't want them (usually "it's
                  not working" after a week - wayyyyyy too soon usually). And then, if the
                 doctor agrees to stop or switch, do it as directed. And research it also on
                  the internet, because even shrinks don't know everything, and everyone's
                  body chemistry is different.

Allowed: gratitude, being of service to others, 12-step meetings (emotions anonymous
             for instance, or - gasp - a talk therapist!!!! And yes, if you're poor you can
             still get help - here comes the ego again - go to the county health clinic and
             keep trying. I'm sorry if you don't want to admit you're poor or screwed up -
             do it anyway.

So - If your ego is running the show, you're in trouble. No ego allowed.

Keep trying no matter what.

Marlene227

4/23/09 3:31pm

Janet,

I really am not here to say this is what you can do. Oh, gosh, wouldn't that be great if everything we heard were true!!!

As mentioned you do have alot on your plate. It has been said to just do one thing at a time. I wish that came with an 100% guarantee.

To me I think a person needs to express just how they often feel. I know it doesn't always come that easy to express or even know how to put it all into words.

Life can be so frustrating and if we, that is anyone, can't handle it I see nothing wrong in that. I do always hope that the person going through this can come out of this dispare. It is not as easy for some as it is for other's.

I don't understand why other's do not understand. To me there are so many of us crying out for some kind of help. What became of the saying "Do unto other's as you would have them do unto you"? Now I am not a church going person. Went almost every Sunday until the age of 17. I am letting other's know my religious education so I can't be damned by theirs and their beliefs.

Life is good some days and not so for other days. And, there are days that are the worst. I am just so glad when I can come out of those days. That is what I wish for you.

I am not sure exactly how to explain it but someone or something needs to take place in your world so you can be a little more and feel a bit more good about yourself.

I don't post much but I do keep in contact by reading other's postings. I do hope to hear from you again sometime with a smile in your heart even if it is for that day.

Take care now!

Marlene

dflath2o

4/24/09 10:19am

without going thru all the grisly details, Janet....Yes I've been there, & worse. I promise... no cliches, but....rummage around within your soul, & come up with a reason for You...listen, it's ok to get selfish once in a while, so, even for a moment, if you can be for you, & only you, it'll help a lot. Peace!

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