Just need to get it out!

Okay, thanks to those of you who posted your support. It is very hard for me to admit to people how I really feel-most people just don't get it and think I'm being stupid. I AM going to the doctor tomorrow...anyone notice that I am still convincing myself of that?! I just feel like a fool when I walk into his office and have to let all my guards down. Then I end up loosing my cool and balling like a baby which only makes me feel ashamed. Eventhough he(my doctor) has been our family physician for 10 years I just don't feel comfortable around him but I do trust him. He does great with my girls and hubby but then when it comes to me he just doesn't seem to know 'what to do with me.' Maybe I should ask him for a referrel to specialist or something. I have been making a mental list of things to tell him but I won't write it down, strange I know but it is like if I write it down then it is finalized. I have been treated for depression  (as a teenager) and again a few years ago but lost my insurance and my job and consequently my medical treatment. I have to wonder though, my doctor kinda referred to my treatment as for the "blues" and suggested several times that it was probably seasonal and would be over with quickly. It isn't. and the older I get the worse the mood swings get. Every assesment I have ever seen says I am bipolar not just manic depressive. I feel like the doctor will think that it is not something seriuos and will tell me to 'snap out of it.' Maybe he won't and I am being silly. I don't know. I AM going tomorrow! I AM going tomorrow! I AM going tomorrow!

Dottie