Wonder Why

I have lived with depression since about the age of 8 or 10. I am now almost 50 years old. Many times it has been tough to stop myself from going over the edge. I go out only because people expect me to. Happiness would be at home sitting in the dark. I have made a lot of great changes and look great on the outside. Trusting people with my most inner thoughts is very hard and I feel they judge. I try not to converse with people that I work with. I have been burned by them and can not be myself and up goes my mask. It is only at home that safe place I can be myself. It has been harder to put on the mask because they can see me on the inside. My energy goes into acting like everything in my life is great. It is the days that I have to make myself get up and out of bed,face people and the world. It is as if when I say that I am not going to let them bother me they still do. I hate the power that I allow them to have. Hate the sadness and hopeless feelings and of course the sucidal feelings. Many people have no idea of the baggage that I have to deal with. Wish I could find something to help me enjoy life for real.