I have lived with depression since about the age of 8 or 10. I am now almost 50 years old. Many times it has been tough to stop myself from going over the edge. I go out only because people expect me to. Happiness would be at home sitting in the dark. I have made a lot of great changes and look great on the outside. Trusting people with my most inner thoughts is very hard and I feel they judge. I try not to converse with people that I work with. I have been burned by them and can not be myself and up goes my mask. It is only at home that safe place I can be myself. It has been harder to put on the mask because they can see me on the inside. My energy goes into acting like everything in my life is great. It is the days that I have to make myself get up and out of bed,face people and the world. It is as if when I say that I am not going to let them bother me they still do. I hate the power that I allow them to have. Hate the sadness and hopeless feelings and of course the sucidal feelings. Many people have no idea of the baggage that I have to deal with. Wish I could find something to help me enjoy life for real.
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Hey there...
I think if you ask anyone who suffers from depression, they will tell you that they wear that mask too. Sometimes you have to, like at work, or with acquaintances, sometimes even family. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to do this I know. I am so glad that you say that at home...you can take the mask off and be yourself. It feels good to feel emotionally safe where folks are not going to judge you. When you have depression you really begin to understand who your friends are.
So what things would you like to enjoy if you could?
I wish that finding fun was easy for me. My work demands a lot of me and takes up most of my time. It has been a really hard year. I lost my father in March. Even though I do not have a good relationship with my family it hurt. He was my dad and I still loved him. My youngest son is now getting ready to leave for the navy. I am happy for him to have decided what he wants to do with his life. I knew this day was coming, but it is still hard to take. He no longer needs me all of the time. I am happy to see the young man that he has turned into. He is amazing. I am very proud of him. When he called me this week you could tell he was worried about me. My wish is that he would not have to worry. That is why I keep all of my appointments with my doctors. I try to reassure him that it was okay. He never misses a time to let me know that he loves me, lucky I am.
So as far as fun nothing is intresting to me. I could really care less about doing anything for me. It is a chore to go out and have fun. It is not supposed to be that way. I did beads for awhile and then thought about mosiacs. I bought all of the stuff but it sits. So I have tried just opening my mind a little of what I could do. I would welcome any suggestions.
Tony, get that box of beads abd mosaics and start one project and complete it. Then take it from there. My husband has suffered from depression since he was a kid too,
he is now 67, I had to retire early to care for him. Since I am home he is doing somewhat better. Being alone all the time is not good. Go for a walk every day, start your projects. Just take a day at a time....
and remember:
"Lord help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you
and I together can't handle".
one step at a time Toney....God loves you.