Need some advice

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tony2014fan

Tue, January 20, 2009

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I have been living with depression most of my life and soon will be 50. Feeling out of control and my back up against the wall. Have a job that is rewarding but a lot of work. Not handling work situations very well at all. I am very negative with everyone from my family to my co-workers. Not to let some of the people that I work with know how bad I feel have been trying to put the mask on. Not doing well and have tried to explain my problem to my doctor. He seems to think that everything is great, but it is not. I am loosing my temper, and acting totally unprofessional. It is to late after I have done this and spend day after day saying that I am sorry. I am having trouble with just every day interaction with people. It makes me feel terrible and then I beat up on myself for days. Recently have been cutting with a razor blade to get the bad feeling out. Have been trying to find a suport group to go too and not having much luck. It is hard for me to venture out of my safe zone. Normally go home to my house and sit in my chair in the dark. It is getting harder to get up to go to work.

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Misery?

1/20/09 10:34pm

I will be 40 next year and realized that I too have battled it my entire life. I was in the same position at work and with life about a year ago. I too felt as though the damage was done and beat myself up. I did self destructive things that could have ended tragically. I was seeing a therapist and at that point my friend who is a physician told to go and see a medically trained therapist (there are differences). With that said, I learned coping mechanisms and have been doing much better. Start with a clean slate and imagine a box ; mine is a pretty box that is old and victorian. Your box can be whatever you imagine. When you enter work all your baggage goes in the box and doesn't come out until you leave and I've learned to do that in many areas of my life.

It may sound strange, but this is how I manage raising four preteen boys, fulltime job and graduate school. If I can't deal with it at the moment I put it into the box until the appropriate time or place.

Good Luck,

I wish you peace

Jenni

1/21/09 12:32pm

Hi tony2014fan,

My first suggestion would be to find a specialist (Psychiatrist) if you're seeing an Internal Medicine or Family Practice doctor. You need someone that only see's people with psychiatric problems. If your doctor thinks you're fine and he/she knows you are cutting -- you need a new doctor.

Your state must have some kind of Family Medical Leave. If it were me I would use that until I felt better and had the emotions under control. Talk with your Human Resources manager. The information you give him/her is strictly confidential and your right to privacy is protected.

I'm 48 and have had Major Depressive Disorder since I was a child. I've been told that the cause of it is child abuse. It's an uphill fight somedays but with the help of a very experienced and knowledgeable physician I have it under control most days. It's possible that you have an anxiety disorder as well.

I'm not a professional. I just read everything I can get my hands on about Depression.

Blessings to you. Please let me know how you're doing. I do care.

Jenni

Merely Me

1/24/09 6:09pm

I hear you. Anger is so much a part of depression. And it has to come out somewhere. Sometimes you feel like a powder keg...just waiting to blow. It is good to find outlets for that anger which will not cause you or others harm.

You have already gotten some excellent advice and suggestions from your commenters. I do want to add...I understand about the cutting. Just wrote a post about this recently with some resources. You can find that article here.

Not sure if you know...there is an support group forum right here on Health Central and you can find that community here.

Keep on writing and reaching out. If it helps please do vent here. There are a lot of people who are traveling a similar path.

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