Sunday, April 08, 2007
Honestly I don't even know where to begin other to say I'm lost in my own mind. I miss my dad so much. He's been gone for 7 months and I'm not dealing with it very well. He loved me more than anyone. My parents are great! I've seen my siblings give my parents grief and I never wanted to do that. I've always been "the good one"....well after high school ended anyway. I've always been responsible and never ever wanted to disappoint my parents. My dad told me when he was in ICU that I was his number one girl! I told him he was nuts and we laughed. I miss him so much. I get so mad that he isn't here with me. I'm almost 30, never married...no kids..I have had the same bf for 13 years......our relationship is different than most peoples. Thats another story. Anyway...since my dad passed I've changed so much and I don't why exactly....I don't know if its good or bad....some changes I hate...others I enjoy....It's just really all messed up. I feel like my life is a big hot mess. I never used to go out.....now I love going out. I never drank...now I love gettin drunk. I've been taking prescription drugs to zone out.....it helps me deal/not deal with my day to day feelings. I feel like I've never really lived my life...I've always been so sheltered and now it's like I want to try new things and experience life because you just never when it's going to end. I know I'm filled with sadness inside. The only thing that I know that makes it feel better even though its only temporary is the feeling of laying on a motel bed...high...drunk..and almost unable to move. Thats gross...but true. I feel so calm and at peace then. I wish I knew what to do...or how to manage my emotions better. NO REGRETS though....thats my lesson i've learned. My dad taught me so much....he was a strong person. I guess I'm sad also because I feel like I've let him and my mom down by not being as strong. I dunno. Big Sigh....my heart is aching....I feel so alone...
Dear LaLaLovely:
As a regular blogger on this site I have read many of the shareposts but none that match so well with my own history.
Growing up, I was the good child, too. I always did what I was told and the world seemed to respond. But when bad things happened I was furious underneath that I had upheld my part of the bargain and the world had not!
The death of a parent is very difficult for anyone, but for the "good child" it is especially so, because the "bargain" is not being upheld.
While I don't reccomend alcohol and drugs to cope with grief, your grief is perfectly understandable. And if, like me, you are angry because the bargain is not being upheld, then the anger you feel but don't want to express is being controlled by your alcohol, too.
HOWEVER, there are other ways to learn to live with the death of a parent and the end of a bargain.
Drinking and drugs are comforting for a while, but you know they aren't the best way to go.
What support from a therapist are you seeking? Psychiatrist, social worker, psychologist?
When grief turns a person upside down and into artificial means of support, it's time to seek help.
Please let me know how you're doing, and what you're going to do to get off the bad stuff and onto the good...
C. Lukas