lost and lonely

for most of my life i went to a private school. i was a shy, sweet girl with friends, and i was happy. the depression started in seventh grade. my friends decided i wasn't happy enough for them, so they left me. i was friendless for a long time, and i was severely unhappy. i cut myself once or twice, nothing too intense, but i just wanted the attention. the summer after seventh grade was awful. i had nobody, i sat around and ate.

but once eighth grade started, i became friends with my old friends again. it was 'the four of us' and we did everything with eachother. i always had someone to talk to. ninth grade began, i had lost a lot of weight and i was friends with many people. we got new kids to our school and i was outgoing and happy. even the guy who i liked for a long time paid attention to me.

i was definately anorexic and i was trying to hide my true self with a layer of tough bitchiness. people liked me, but i started having yearnings to go out and party. i was so angry at how my life had been, so i went and started drinking with a few friends. at this point my depression had dissappeared (seemingly).

so i started to drink, and i absolutely loved it. it made me feel like a real highschool student. the restrictions of the private school were being bent. so then tenth grade rolls around.

i went out to a dance one night and i was drunk. the school saw me, and took me in. they sent me home and suspended me for a day. at this point, i was so sick and tired of the restrictions so i deceided to leave and go to a public school. now, at this point, i had never been to a private school and i was absolutely clueless about the world (other than white rich people).

my second, maybe third(?) week of school, i was raped. i was drinking with some girls i met and we were at this guys house, and he raped me. i didn't consider it rape at the time because, in my drunken stupor, i wanted him. but he was sober, i was wasted, and he forced it in. this was my first time having sex. but i didn't think it would be a big deal, that is, until i found out that everyone (literally) at my school knew about it. they spread around rumors that i was a easy slut, when in actuality he raped me.

the only people who would talk to me were the ones who were friends with me before the incident. everyone else gave me stares and ignored me in the halls. i was so upset with myself, and i blamed myself for what happened. i had no idea of the reputation this guy had- he was the school manwhore.

but i survived. i spent a whole year building a great relationship with the friends i had, partying occasionaly on weekends, keeping out of trouble. one night, i recieve a call from a guy i had liked since the beginning of school. he wants to have sex. and of course, being the idiot that i am, i thought it would be cool. so a few nights later, we end up at his house in the basement, doing it on his couch.

i was extremely nervous, scared, everything. and he was not experienced- he wanted to lose his v-card to me. i still didnt know what i was doing even though everyone assumed that i di, because nobody knew i was a virgin before the guy at the party. and, to say the least, it did not turn out well. he was embarassed, regretful, something.. he spread lies about me. his yearning to look cool ended up ruining me further.