It has been six years now. Six years to the day where my life has changed forever. I was in a terrible accident, which left me dealing with learning to walk again. It has been years since my physical recovery, but somehow emotionally this event surfaces on a regular basis. I have repressed it for years (tried to), but in the midst of one of my recent depressive episodes (last year), this whole event came up bubbling to the surface, and has done so frequently ever since. This is something I have addressed in therapy, but somehow I just cant get over it. It comes up in the subconscious mind so many times (when looking back, this is what my therapist has brought to light). Why is it I just cant properly deal with it and move on...It just keeps haunting me, following me around like a shadow...I just want it to disappear. But its going no where. Although I have addressed it for the last year in therapy, it is still very raw, like opening up an old wound and rubbing salt in to it every time. I cant deal with the pain any more...when will it go away?
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Hi Nadia!
Well in my opinion...six years is really not a very long time in the scheme of things. I still am reeling from traumas from my childhood...decades old memories. I think when you go through an accident...this is particularly traumatic and difficult to get over. I have an on-line friend who you might want to connect with. Her name is "Whimsy" and she was in a terrible fire and survived...I think over ten years ago. She has really battled her fears and depression in a very courageous way. Here is the link to her blog. I believe she could really relate to what you are going through.
I don't know when the pain truly ends. I think in time you get more distance and more perspective. But sometimes memories make you feel as though no time has passed at all. It is hard not to feel stuck.
Keep talking...keep writing. I am so glad you are writing here. Hang in there!
I've had some tragedies happen in my life. One of them is the suicide of my son 6 years ago, he was 15 1/2. I understand how your accident can affect your feelings.
Let's face it...it was awful...you were helpless...I don't think you can get it out of your mind. Just put it in a cubby hole for some trigger to bring it back. Then you'll need time to weep about it, talk about it, write about it.
I recently went through intensive therapy as a deeper depression came back even though I was taking my meds. I was weeping more than ever, and almost every day.
As the Dr. brought up some thoughts that I had been repressing. He would have me sit in a chair and think about my son. Helped me to breathe, instead of trying to hold back the tears. Then he would have me say good-bye to my son, I'll see you again, and I love you. Then he had me stand up and raise my hands up and shout,"Yes!"
I wasn't quite sure why he was having me shout yes, except to reprogram my brain that it is okay, to say,"Good-bye". I have reminders of my son everywhere, and I remember what he was doing with the item I would find. Sometimes I talk to him and tell him I miss him. Sometimes I'll weep, and other times it just go about my tasks and keep talking to him.
I know that your accident is different, but it did bring you a lot of stress and pain. And really losing a child does the same thing. I'm thinking that you feel a lot of heart -ache, as it is like losing a piece of yourself. The way you were before the accident.
I hope that you are doing better, since it has been a month and a half ago.
Best wishes. Ivory