So I'm twenty-one years-old and I've been treating my depression for three years.  I'm a Christian and that has gotten me through some of the darkest moments I've ever had, especially recently.

I'm living on my own for the first time, still in college, but not living in my parents house.  I'm trying to figure out what this whole being an adult thing is supposed to be like.  I'm looking for a job, so that I can contribute to the rent that my parents are so generously providing for me. 

Everything should be wonderful, but for the life of me I cannot sleep.  I have done everything short of take drugs or pay someone to hit me over the head each night.  I have prayed, I have a white noise machine, I have drunk camomille tea, I have had a glass of wine, I have exercised right before bed, I have tried reading, I have used deep breathing, I have tried focusing on a single word or phrase...

The thing is... I don't want to take another drug, I already take Zoloft and birth control to keep my symptoms from ruling my life... but I don't want to add something else on top of it...

So I'm trying to vent, to tire myself out.  I'm scared because I know that soon, in a few months, I'll be student teaching, essentially the equivalent of working a full time job, and I just wonder about what will happen if this keeps up.  I can't pour all of myself into my future students and then come home and not sleep...

I know that this will eventually pass, and sleep will become normal again, but this just one of those moments when it feels like there will never be anything else other than this sleeplessness, or this hopelessness, or this self-doubt... These moments when life doesn't feel like life, but it feels like a nightmare... one that I won't wake up from, because I can't fall asleep in the first place!  *Sighs*

Maybe now I will try again.