Is this a weird season for depression?

I noticed that almost a year ago that I initially started trying to keep this journal here. And it's been months and months since I posted anything at all. So while everyone with SAD is starting to bounce back as the nice weather sets in I'm crashing? And apparently that's the norm for me?

I'm thinking back over the the years and it's definitely this time of year that seems to do me in. Is it just when I run out of steam?

I'm in the pre crisis mode. Jittery, sad, anxious... every little problem is a giant mountain of trouble to overcome.... several times a day I just sit back and feel the wave of tears welling up. I hate that. It doesn't matter what I know about the medical problem of depression, I still find myself thinking about people who have suffered real tragedy in their lives and wonder what kind of terrible human I am to "allow myself" to wallow in self pity when I've never had it particularly hard. I know it's not about that. I know the old chemicals in the brain just aren't working right... but that's how I feel.

There is still though.. moments of pleasure when I think to myself.. it's going to be okay... and I focus on those moments when I'm happy and remember that there were years I NEVER had those moments. Happy, content.. it feels **** good, and as long as I do have those moments I know I will be okay.

I have been on between 75 and 150mg a day of effexor for a long long time. I might need to talk to the doctor about the dose, or I might not. If I can find a decent insurance covered therapist I think I might be ready to make us of some talk therapy.. the thought of that always sent me over the edge before.

But for now.. it's day by day.. and I am going to be okay...somehow