Today I was puttering around with my budget (again) determined to make my desire to own a home come true by the end of next year. I sat down and reviewed some things and realized.... it has taken me a very long time to get THERE... to that place where I believe the future is something worth planning for. Where I can actually look forward to moments that will be happy. For so many years I was afraid to plan for the next day.. I always ended up frustrated with myself, my failure, overwhelmed by what I couldn't do, have or be.
These days I imagine life in a run down little house (that's what I can afford LOL) and I smile imagining patching together the important parts, and making the most of a few rooms in a questionable neighborhood. I can picture attempting to grow things in the yard, and laugh at myself, because I can't keep anything alive but weeds. It looks good to me.
I often think of all the years I LOST to depression... but today I thought about what a strong person I have been.. despite all those lonely years, all that sadness... I kept going, my jobs have improved.. my income has gone up, I've kept a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs and often enough made time to help someone else here and there along the way. Sure there are years I can barely remember, a blur of just surviving, but my God, I did survive, here I am struggling a bit, paying for the years that I didn't always handle things well... but doing it. Standing in front of the IRS and working out that year I forgot to file, talking back to the bill collector who wants to treat me like dirt.. how dare they...
I cried happy tears today... 
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