helpless

By no quitter Monday, December 28, 2009

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its three days after possibly after the most alone christmas i have ever experienced, a few weeks ago my bi polar mr wonderful admitted himself to hospital to finally get the help he needs, he wasn't sectioned, he did it himself, the most positive step he has made since we have endured this nightmare, he even restarted therapy and i could see an improvement, he hated it but he was there through choice, trying very hard and the pride i felt in him made me fit too burst, he started to let me in again, slowly but i could feel him again.. 18 days ago he wanted me to do something for him and i didn't do exactly what he wanted, didn't give him the answer he wanted, i snapped and told him i felt used, he replied that he wouldn't use me anymore and has ignored me since... what can i do??? i find myself apologising when he's wrong just to smooth things over, i find me making excuses for his behaviour, they have changed his medication again he said it is making the therapy easier to cope with which i assume is numbing his emotions, he bottles things up, a real deep thinker found the therapy unbearable, he has been on it i am guessing about three weeks i know it takes 6 weeks to makes a significant difference but there is a major change in him, uncaring, aloof, unresponsive, can medication do that to him, can it make hime behave this way, he has been on other medication before, he has had various other side affects before, lack of sleep, paranoid, panic attacks etc,he has become very cold, unemotional, he knows i am heartbroken and i have apologised for snapping, he is not naturally cold, he is loving and kind, sweet and sincere... i don't know what to do next he won't speak to me, won't answer my calls, he won't answer my messages... can someone, anyone help me?? i have taken the blame again for his behaviour but it hasn't made a difference, he just ignores me, my family and my friends want me to give up and walk away, i dont want that, when this has happened before eventually he comes around and is so sorry, i never make him suffer, i always say forget it, put it behind you and move on, i never remember the bad times only the good one's, im afraid if i walk away and give him space he will feel i have abandoned him, i feel if i continue to message him and try to reason with him i will push him away and put him under pressure he doesnt need... i want him in my future just because he is him, i won't let bi polar take away the man i love, i just am at my wits end as to what to do next... i feel a little better just venting my frustration here...

Comments (17) | Add comment

Tracey

12/28/09 2:53pm

Ive just read your story...It seems i have a lot of bad times ahead of me, but like you - i love him and will do what it takes...meet up on my post so as not to confuse me!!! lol xxxxx

Merely Me, Health Guide

12/28/09 8:04pm

Hey there

How are things going today?

Here are my thoughts based upon what you have shared here.

1. This is not your fault

2. Your partner's behavior and mood are his responsibility

3. You cannot make another person happy. You can only make yourself happy.

4. You cannot change or save someone else no matter how romantic that may sound.

5. As hard as it is to do...you cannot take his mood changes personally.

Bipolar disorder is a very difficult thing to deal with...for the person who has it and for friends, family, and loved ones of that person.

If you are to survive this you are going to have to separate your feelings from what is best for him. You can't internalize his mood swings.

I would try to provide some normalcy for yourself right now. Stick to some sort of routine. Try not to react to how he demonstrates his moods. Let him know that you are there for him but at the same time you are not going to be a doormat.

I want you to hang in there. I would advise you to join a support group and be around folk who are supportive.

Let us know what happens. You are a good, caring, and compassionate person. Don't let this knock you down.

Been there

12/28/09 11:22pm

Also--I have bipolar 1; had my 1st bad episode at 15 (my mother did as well--bad case), BUT one thing I don't know if you realize this but people w/bipolar can also be very manipulative. Make YOU feel like you are at fault; like you have to apologize or change or bend to his will; that he is the poor suffering soul & you should walk on eggshells around him so as not to upset him. It sounds to me like he is giving you the classic "silent treatment." I only can identify this as this was one of my favorite manipulation techniques w/my husband before I FINALLY started taking some responsibility for my own wellness & actions & actually getting mature (& I am 55-yrs.-old so it is way past the time for this).

For me indiv. therapy & dialectical behavioral therapy (plus meds) have been key. The indiv. therapy & DBT in the last 2 yrs. have been so beneficial that I have been able to get off Abilify (been on it for 15 yrs.); lowered my dosage of Lamictal; off Klonopin & Trazodone; insomnia is much improved. Relationship w/husband MUCH IMPROVED. He no longer has to walk on eggshells around me, wondering what will set me off.

Yeah, I had a horrid childhood (mother did commit suicide & was abusive); father uncaring alcoholic--but I want to live NOW. Your SO (significant other--sorry, can't remember exactly what your formal relationship is) has you in his corner & he needs to realize what a gift you are & not take advantage of you & abuse you emotionally (which I think he is doing). Just because you have a mental illness does not mean you can do hurtful things like that. If he truly has "no control" over his behavior that is so hurtful towards you then I think your relationship should be put on HOLD until he is fully functioning & can be a full partner for you. You deserve that.

My husband has put up w/a lot of my crap & I am ashamed at how badly I have treated him & how immature I've been. Been married 35 yrs!! But new patterns of thinking, coping & relating to others can be learned effectively through therapy & I highly recommend dialectical behavioral therapy (more of a class as we have a manual & lessons & daily "homework" assignments).

Take good care of yourself. You are a very compassionate person, but don't allow yourself to be abused emotionally.

no quitter

12/29/09 6:19am

hi there

thankyou for your kind words of comfort, they made me cry, things are no different and yet, he is still doing his not talking thing and i am feeling as useless as ever, the support i receive here is what really keps me sane and rational, my friends and family while mean well want me to wash my hands off hime and walk away, i feel like i have gone from his partner to being his mother at times, he isa spoilt little boy at the best of times and does like his needs met as and when, please understand i am not intentionally painting a bad picture of him i just tend to tell it how i see it, i do feel like running for the hills but deep down i know i can't, he means too much to me to give up on him.. i think ur advice in a fantastic help, i do need to rebuild my life with some structure and normality again, things have been about him and his needs i find it imposible to remember the happy full of life woman i truly am..

thankyou xx

no quitter

12/29/09 6:27am

thankyou thankyou thankyou,

i am in tears once again but this time it feels in a good way, i have given my whole life up for a man who i love with all my heart but as you quite rightly have said abuses me emotionally, the silent treatment is a killer, you do tend to imagine the worst... i want to explian to him how i am feeling but am always afraid that i will make his guilt worse and in turn he will feel worse, your right i do feel everything is my fault.. i am the worst partner ever even tho in my heart apart from live this illness and his pain for him there is no more i can truly do, i have offered to not be a part of his life yet he doesnt want me to go either, what do i do?? i want to be there and help but at the same time i dont want to put added pressure on him, i do what i can or as much as he will allow me to do and yet it is still not right, your husband sounds like an amazing man, u have been very lucky with him and your story does give me the hope that there can be a brighter tomorrow.. thankyou so much i truly mean that with all my heart xxx

Judy

12/29/09 10:11am

You asked a question about whether or not medication can make a person be so cold and uncaring and I wanted to say that that's the reason I quit taking Zoloft - I felt like if my husband died, I wouldn't be able to even cry. So, there could be that going on.

I think if you find yourself walking on eggshells around him all the time, that's a sign that something has to change for your own health and well-being. Yes, you love him and you don't want to give up on him - but I've heard people say that about partners who physically abuse them, as well, and there's no question that it shouldn't be tolerated. What's happening is emotional abuse - it sounds like you are holding your breath all the time for those rare moments when he is the person you thought he once was. If he is getting help, then there is reason to hope, at least, but I wonder how long he'll stick with the therapy if he's saying he hates it. Therapy isn't fun, it takes commitment and a lot of work but it shouldn't feel THAT terrible - maybe he isn't working with the right therapist. Or maybe he's resisting change. Only he knows that. Are you involved at all in any of this? I think if you could do some couples therapy, as well, it could help both of you understand each other better and even help in his individual recovery.

I wish you all the best, it must be a kind of hell to deal with this. Just do everything you need to take care of yourself, okay?

Been there

12/29/09 10:51am

I think you made an EXCELLENT decision to RECLAIM YOUR OWN LIFE; discover who you are again. It would be a double tragedy for his illness to destroy not only his life but yours. When he recovers (I'm assuming he will but it may take a LONG TIME), he will feel such anguish, pain & guilt at causing you so much distress & disrupting your life so much. When he is truly thinking rationally & unselfishly, he will not want to think he put you through so much pain. So take care of yourself FOR HIM, too! He will appreciate that the strong, wonderful woman he fell in love with remained true to herself & did not let this illness make HER SICK, TOO. You do deserve some joy in your life--despite what he is going through.

Therapy for yourself would probably be very helpful for you to sort out your feelings of what to do, get guidance on how to handle his "silent treatment", reclaiming your own independence & discovering coping techniques & wellness tools that will be beneficial for you to employ as you are going through a great deal of stress yourself. A major thing I learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is that I CANNOT control or change how another person thinks, feels or behaves. I can express my opinion or desire for a person to not do a certain behavior, but I cannot MAKE him stop it (or conversely, do something I want him to do). I cannot change his thoughts or emotions. I can try to convince him w/my reasoning skills, but in the end, I have no control over that person. So I've learned that I need to decide what behaviors & values that might differ from mine are "acceptable" to me & which are not. I need to let go of the reins & try not to control my husband in every detail as I did before (& used the "silent treatment", tears, numerous other immature behaviors like running out of the house in the middle of the night so he would worry about me--typical 4-yr.-old behaviors when I was well into middle age, I am ashamed to say). I basically was having a lot of temper tantrums disguised as crying spells even overdosing on my meds, etc. to get my way.

I don't know if you are familiar with National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org), but they have a free class called "Family-to-Family" that is for family members, loved ones, caretakers, anyone really that wants to learn about mental illness & how to cope with what you are dealing with & how to handle the difficult situations you are facing. It is an excellent class. I have recommended it to many of my friends who have children or spouses or siblings w/mental disorders (I volunteer for NAMI & go to a support group & also speak to public groups like the Kiwanii's Club about mental illness so that is why I run into so many people who are facing things just like you are).

I THINK I have my "speech" on Word that I have given to Family-to-Family classes. One week they invite a person w/a mental illness in to tell "my story" of what it is like to live w/a mental illness & they (the family members, etc.) get a chance to ask me the questions they don't feel comfortable asking their loved ones (sensitive issues that might upset their loved ones, but they can ask ME as a "stranger" yet someone who has "been there").

I'll try to see if I can copy & paste it in here--not that I think I'm a great speech-giver or anything, but people from the class have said it is helpful to hear from someone who has "come out the other side" while their loved one is still in the throes of crisis. Also, WARNING--I seem to remember that when I tried to put something in from Word before here all this JUNK shows up first; like just random letters & numbers for quite awhile before the actual document shows up. So if you are interested in reading it, be aware of that. I apologize in advance if that occurs. I'm not techno-savvy enough (or at all, actually!) to figure out how to fix that.

Also, has he signed a release so that YOU can talk to his docs, therapists, etc. about his treatment plan & concerns you have & ask questions & give your valuable insight to them about him as you probably know him better than anyone at this point? If he is willling, I think that would be very valuable.

Judy

12/29/09 11:20am

I don't think you need a signed release to TELL something to a person's doctor or therapist, but you can't RECEIVE any information about the person without it. I have done this when I thought the therapist wasn't seeing the whole picture. They'll just thank you and you can hope it helps.

Been there

12/29/09 11:40am

True--you can TELL the providers anything w/out a release, but to have a "conversation" where you can ask questions (like about his meds or other treatment options) & the providers can give you info. he will need to sign a release (unless it is a totally different story & she is his court-ordered guardian, which is a whole different scenario, of course, & doesn't apply here). A conversation would be most helpful for the lady in question, but she is free to give the providers any info. she thinks will be useful.

no quitter

12/29/09 1:13pm

thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou... i feel truly overwhelmed by the concern and care i feel from the members here... i cannot talk to his doctors because when he is an inpatient i am not allowed to visit him there.. he won't let anyone see him neither family nor friends although he does have his phone with him and we do exchange texts etc.. i find that difficult to cope with i feel a natural response when someone you care for is ill is too be by their sides to comfort... not with him.. i get frustrated alot though try desperately not to show it.. before, his sister was a nurse in a care facility he was in but since she too said something he didn't like she has been cut out of his life too, something i know that has devastated her deeply. earlier i read a post by merely me there was a quote in it she used "keep doing what your doing and you'll keep getting what your getting" it was like a bolt from the blue for me, a moment of clarity if you like and i realised that if i keep being a doormat he will keep using me as one my constant reassurance that it is all right to behave in a certain way means he will continue to think its ok to treat me that way, i have calmly sat down and wrote him the most heartfelt email i have ever composed, i have explained how i am feeling, what this has been like for me mentally and physically the toal it has taken on me, i havent made it out to make him feel guilty thats the last thing i want but i said somethings i felt i needed to say without fear of his reaction, i reasoned to myself that at the moment he has chosen not to be a part of my life anyway and if by sending this he if doesnt come back, well he had gone anyway.. i explained that although i try to be very strong for him i have admitted for the first time ever that sometimes his actions hurt me very much, i reassured that he is very important to me that far from walking away i will always be in his corner when he needs me to be, i told him that i try not to take his moods personally and that i care very much, i explained that i cant be his emotional punchbag that i need to still be me.. someone please reassure me this was the right thing to do, i am terrified since i sent it... have i made things worse????

no quitter

12/29/09 1:18pm

thankyou so much for your advice and encouragement, it is great to have it from the other side of the coin, i get so wrapped up in how he is feeling i forget about my own needs, the last thing i ever want to do is make him feel guilty, i never remember the bad times i only ever focus on the good ones.. i would love to read your speech, i truly find your words and life stories uplifting and inspirational... you are a survivour, your relationship survived too... it gives me hope and at the moment if i lose that too i really will have nothing left.. xx

Been there

12/29/09 2:59pm

I have removed identifying remarks & ones that pertain to me, but are not really relevant to your situation so it is a bit choppy. Anyway, just wanted to encourage you to look into a Family-to-Family class-not sure where you are located, but if available, check it out.

Hello, my name is XXXX. YYYY has asked me to tell you about what my experience has been with living w/a mental illness. I have bipolar 1 disorder which is also called manic depression.

As you can tell I am not a professional speaker so I will need to look at my notes & hope you will disregard the quavering in my voice as some topics can become quite emotional.

First of all, I commend all of you for being here to learn more about mental illnesses so that you can support your loved ones who are afflicted, but also I do want to stress that you need to take care of yourself & not let the illness of your loved one become the sole focus of your life. Your life should not be destroyed by the stress you are experiencing as you face such hard times.

You need to remember you deserve to have a fulfilling life & to find joy for yourselves. If your loved one does not have the success you hope for in recovery or it takes many years, please do not make it a double tragedy by letting it devastate your life.

After I speak about my personal experience, I hope to answer any questions you have & hear your comments.

First, I'll tell you a little about myself & my background. I just turned 55 yrs. old & found out that that qualifies me for a free cup of coffee at McDonald's so I guess there are some perks to getting older. I work part-time in the ****removed identifying comments throughout. I enjoy hiking, reading & am learning how to knit-with limited success.

I also have been involved w/NAMI in various ways--the Peer-to-Peer classes for consumers, speaking to community groups such as the Kiwanis, university classes, halfway houses-through NAMI's "In Our Own Voice" program & I am part of a team that teaches a 10-week class to professionals at mental health facilities.

NAMI has provided so much support, education, & compassion to me.

I have also volunteered in the local county jail co-leading a support group for the women there through Mental Health America.

I have been married for 35 yrs. to a saint & have 2 grown children.

As you know there is a strong genetic component to mental illness. My mother had a severe case of bipolar & unfortunately, both of my children have had serious bouts w/depression. My daughter had to take a medical leave from college during the 2^nd semester of her sophomore yr. in order to receive treatment.

She was able to return to college & graduate summa cum laude from **** w/a double major in French & economics. She also was able to graduate summa cum laude from law school & was the valedictorian.

I found a suicide note my son wrote when he was a senior in high school. It designated the day he was going to kill himself-which was a few days in the future. He had also become involved w/ drinking & using drugs. He received treatment w/medication & therapy & was able to recover. He received his graduate degree in civil engineering from ***** Univ.

So I know the pain & fear you parents feel when your children have a mental health crisis.

My son has not had a reoccurrence of the depression & no longer takes medication.

My daughter still has bouts & may be showing signs of emerging bipolar. She is very concerned about the stigma of seeking any kind of mental health care & how it might be perceived by her peers-fellow lawyers & law professors, if it were to be discovered.

When I was 15 I had my 1^st suicide attempt. I overdosed on my mother's psych meds & had my stomach pumped. Unfortunately, I was not given any therapy or psychiatric treatment.

My father finally decided to have my mother involuntarily committed to a mental institution. However, before the process was completed she did successfully kill herself. She was 45 & I was 15. I do think w/the new medications & treatments available today perhaps she could be helped.

My father pretty much abandoned us children after my mother's death, as he was what would be called a "functioning alcoholic." He sent us to a boarding school & rarely visited.

I began to abuse alcohol & drank to the point of having blackouts.

(I was able to quit drinking & smoking when my mental illness was correctly addressed. Dual-diagnosis is a common problem w/people w/mental disorders & must be addressed in addition to & in conjuction w/the mental illness.)

I was experiencing severe mood swings, but I did not know what exactly was causing them & blamed my husband for the depressions.

He took the brunt of my illness as when I was depressed I blamed him & experienced a lot of rage towards him. This is very common for the family members to be blamed by the person w/the mental illness for their unhappiness.

Perhaps you have experienced that. Now you know why I call him a saint for staying w/me when I put him through so much. I have apologized to my husband for my behavior towards him.

He always had to walk on eggshells around me as he never knew what would set me off on a crying spell or into anger.

There is hope for people suffering from a mental disorder. It is a brain disorder that can be treated, but not "cured" as most people have more than one episode (my son, I believe, is a rarity). It took a year & a half of trial & error for the doctor to find the right medications to make me more stable & regain rational thought.

However, that was a pretty rough year & a half because I had a lot of side effects trying all these different medications. I had such severe sedation that I fell asleep while driving. On another medication I felt great but I had kidney malfunction. I've had hair loss & memory loss, confusion, & such extreme dizziness that I had to lie down on the floor at work as the room started spinning.

When the right combo of meds was finally found for me, I was stable on these medications for quite a few years. But suddenly I fell into a depression & it was a bad fall. I took an overdose of my medications. My husband found me & took me to the ER. That was about 3 years ago. I was shocked, because I had kept my vow to never do that suicidal behavior once I had children. It was like someone else had taken over my thinking.

It was a horrible 2 years after that overdose. I could not get stable. I had my medications adjusted over & over. I returned to individual therapy & started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy about a year after that relapse.

I was afraid & I was ashamed. I felt like I was a failure. I had been compliant in my medication & look what happened to me.

I had been doing a lot of volunteer work for NAMI & I was having difficulties maintaining my level of involvement. I had been a success-now I was a failure.

The individual therapy & Dialectical Behavioral Therapy are helping me so much. I still am optimistic that I will continue to improve & gain better coping skills. I know that life is worth living & that wonderful & helpful treatments are available today. I no longer have suicidal thoughts. I have an exciting future to look forward to.

I also would like to say that I have revealed my relapse & overdose that occurred 3 years ago as I want to give you a hopeful, yet truthful picture of my life. But I want to stress that this is only my experience.

Many, many people do not have serious relapses when they have achieved stability. But it is important for the person to be aware of possible danger zones that can trigger episodes such as my insomnia or acute anxiety or stress.

Hey--I think I figured out how to get it from Word here w/out all the "junk."

no quitter

12/29/09 3:45pm

thankyou, what an honest inspirational speech.... i truely appreciate all the kindness compassion and genuine concern for my situation it has astounded me xxx

Judy

12/29/09 4:15pm

I don't see how you could have made things worse by saying how you feel; your intention is make things better, right? You can't control his reaction because he's not coming from a place of rationality, he's seeing everything from his dark place.

Try to let go of some of this worry for a bit if you can. I try to believe that if something should happen and that's what we're trying for, it will and if it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be, maybe for reasons we don't understand. Hang in there, you've got friends here!

Merely Me, Health Guide

12/29/09 3:18pm

Hi again!

I see you are getting a lot of good feedback from our community. Listen...I also want to give you the link for Health Central's Bipolar site. John, who runs the site, has a lot of experience in dealing with his own Bipolar disorder and you are going to find a lot of support there as well. I think it would be helpful to hear from other folk who have this mood disorder.

In the meantime...I know you are in turmoil over this but please do take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself as much as possible. This is a very hard thing you are dealing with.

Keep writing to us...we want to hear how things evolve.

no quitter

12/29/09 3:48pm

thankyou so much for all your help and advice, it is of great comfort to me, i actually slept last night, i will use the link, i am keen to learn more on this topic to be as much help to him as i can possibly be...i will keep you posted thankyou once again xxx

no quitter

1/18/10 8:10pm

as we speak i have still had no communication from my "estranged" other half, i have sent him a few messages reminding him that i am still there but to no reply again... i have kind of left him to it i suppose, i know from you lovely people here that he isnt in a rational place but a very isolated dark one, i am in a much better place emotionally myself having taken a step back and reassessed my situation.. it doesnt mean i have stopped loving him or wanting to be there for him it just means i appreciate he doesnt want any contact for whatever reason and although it is difficult i have accepted that he might never come back, in a normal situation i know that sometimes you dont realise what u had or how much it truly meant to you until you feel you have lost it, i know this isnt a "normal" situation and i am not sure if he will ever get to that rational state of mind again were he does remember how good life was together, i just wanted to thankyou all for being here for me and getting me thru the most difficult experience in my life, the people here are filled with such warmth compassion and kindness, i know right now if its ok with you guys i am just not ready to walk away and let go of the support i get here but above all i just wanted to say thankyou so much for always being in my corner and getting me thru my darkest hours xx

helpless

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