Hello, I am new to this website and online support groups. I cannot find a local depression/ptsd/panic disorder support group and so I finally found this site. I was in the hospital a month ago because my depression had gotten so bad. I was taking 100mg of zoloft and klonopin for bedtime and as needed during the day. The hospital got me off of the klonopin and exchanged it for trazadone and zoloft together at bed time. I am now on 50mg of both at night.
I have lived with depression almost my whole life. When I was about 4 my grandfather molested me, and I dissociated and blocked out the memories until I was 24 years old. In that time, I had several other times where I was molested, and became a witness of my friends' being physically and emotionally abused by their parents. I live with panic attacks that occur on a daily basis, and are not from any physiological reason. I have been tested and checked for any medical reason my heart races but it is all somatic. I also have PTSD from the abuse and I cannot sleep at night unless I am medicated. Night time is the worst. If I am awakened for any reason I am so frightened that it takes me hours to calm down and fall back to sleep.
I have learned some ways to cope. I go to therapy, where I get to talk or do EMDR. I take a really good multi-vitamin, fish oil, b-complex for stress and a naturopathic medicine called Iso-Cort that helps heal my adrenal glands. I am journaling everyday since I left the hospital. I love photography and am trying to do that as an outlet as well.
I am in the middle of getting a divorce from my husband of 8 years. I am on my second marriage at 34 years old. This husband is emotionally and mentally abusive and was NOT supportive at all of my hospital stay. I have two children, both boys. They keep me alive. I am sick with the end of the flu, and I have no gumption to do anything but go on the computer or lay about all day. I am supposed to be doing homework for a college course I am taking. Because it is not what I really want to do, I cannot seem to make myself sit and do the work. Luckily it is one of the online courses at my college and I don't have to go anywhere for the class.
I am glad to have found this site. I hope to read more and hear how others are healing and moving on.
I try to think positively, and I use meditation when I can.
thanks for reading if you did 
Welcome to our site, Marley. You'll find a lot of supportive people here and many who are going/have gone through what you're dealing with. It sounds like you're doing everything right. You're the only other person here that I know of who is doing EMDR - it's kind of hard to describe, isn't it? But it works so well. As you probably know by now, it isn't an instant cure, but it peels away layers of trauma one by one. I take Klonopin to sleep, tried Trazadone for quite a while and it kind of quit working. I'm on Wellbutrin and Zoloft, but am coming off the Zoloft because it left me feeling totally numb, so am increasing the Wellbutrin instead - we'll see what happens.
If there's any information or help you need, be sure to let us know. Thanks for sharing your story - I think you're very brave.
Thank you Judy! I am so glad I found this site and can read and share with others who have this illness. Thank you for calling me brave. I have never felt more scared in my life, and the hospital stay saved my life. I had a plan and everything. Thank the gods for my therapist (who practices the EMDR) for she knew I meant that I was done with life and immediately sent me to the hospital to be safe. Everyone there was very nice and helpful. When I left, I was so sick from detoxing from the klonopin withdrawal and had no idea how long that would go on. I am finally off that and weaned down to the 50mg of zoloft and the trazadone is basically for sleep....
again, thank you for commenting and welcoming me here :)
By the way Judy, I love my EMDR!! And it is so cool how it works and how it helps you process what happened.
Yes, I've found that to be true, as well. It's almost like magic, how it works, isn't it? I guess more and more therapists are starting to get trained in it. I would guess some of the slowness of its acceptance has been that sounds a little hocus-pocus, but my therapist decided to check it out and now helps to train others, she's so convinced of its usefulness.
I hope you'll keep writing here and let us know how you're doing.