I do quite a bit of reading on the human body and some of the things that go wrong with it. Granted my own list is bigger than many, but there is one condition on your list and mine that makes our problems seem bigger, affects how we relate to others, even how we see reality.

We struggle with mental illness because some part of our brains has broken down. Everyone has problems with some part of their bodies, but the brain, that's our control centre! You can look completely normal on the outside, but be more disabled by a mental illness than I am disabled just by cerebral palsy.

Anyone can get hit with this, at any time and I think that is part of what scares people. What makes it worse is that many figure that you would be better if only you decided to be happy.

In a way, I am fortunate. With my wheelchair, people automatically figure I have more reason to be depressed than people walking 'round with depression. That spares me a least a little, but how to explain to people that people who walk can get just as depressed as a disabled person. And that these people need medication and support from friends and family.

I can speak from experience. How friends and family treat you as a result of a mental illness can either help in healing you or they can make you worse. Telling someone to "snap out of it" when they have depression, is about as compassionate as someone telling me to "Stop this foolishness and get out of that wheelchair!"

Anyone telling me to ditch my wheelchair would get put in their place. But with a mood disorder, they think it's all about self-pity and we could feel better if we really wanted to. Many friends in my church don't understand that suicide is not a matter of sin for me or anyone else, but that I am on powerful medication to stop my depression from getting so out of hand that I end my life. It is not something I can control myself and those medications, some of them can do long-term damage and there are days when I can barely type or hold a glass of water.

Would I take medication that give me new handicaps and destroy my kidneys potentially for something I could "snap out of" on my own?

Mental illness can be devastating on its' own and it can hit anyone. It is a lot more complicated than many can understand and isn't something that can be faked or snapped out of. I didn't just decide to become fixated on killing myself one day for the heck of it. Months of chronic pain messed with my brain tremendously, to the point where I am now at risk for suicide. I am a god-fearing Catholic, so this change in my personality wasn't something I could control, nor do I want suicidal thoughts. How would my friends like to have suicidal thoughts hounding them multiple times a day?

If my depression decides to be a pain on any given day, that's not in my control. I can only cope the best way I can. If I am to expend valuable energy on stopping myself from killing myself or gluing a fake smile on my face to please a donkey of an attendant who wants to hound me into snapping out of what she sees as a mere snit, which one do you think I should choose, with the limited energy now at my command?

If I am having a bad day, as long as I don't hurt myself or others, I shouldn't have to beat myself up over a mental condition that is not in my control. Whoever does have a problem, especially someone who clearly cares more for her paycheque than my life, they know where the door is.

No one has any business telling you not to be depressed. Depression and other illnessnes are something which many still want to keep out of sight and mind, even telling relatives and friends to hide THEIR problems. It's not other people who have to look at themselves in the mirror and say with a clean conscience "I did whatever I could."

(This attendant told me not to go to the hospital if my depression got bad, because my hospitalization would mean a big cut in her pay cheque and she was saving up for a house.)

We make a big deal about how accepting we are as a society. But in the end, anyone who differs from the norm, whether in race, ability, skin color, religion, etc, those are the people who get hammered, for being different, for not being like everyone else. How much suffering has been inflicted because the victims didn't fit in?

-From someone who has paid the price for being "abnormal" her whole life.

agserra1

10/11/08 5:20pm

 Hi hamster girl ... i decided that i would go .. as i got out the door .. the rain and hail just was pouring down and i froze in place .. i had taken all the steps i could .. i just stared at the weather and said , i am not going to undo all the progress i have made ..

 

i came back inside .. and put the heat on .. got back into my pj's and took a nap .. and i am not too sad, just tired .. yes, people who don't have this sometimes don't understand .. coupled with depression, it makes for a hard time ..

 

i know if icould just get there , i may find people who , like me made this journey , and pushed thru .. it is part of me, the phobia of just getting out there ..

 

i will be kind to myself, and continue this issue with therapy .. it is something that i know if i had one person, here , who would go with me, sorta hold my hand , i could make it .. and that will happen sooner or later ..

 

thanks friend , for writing me and taking the time to understand .. it isn't sympathy i am looking for , and it isn't to just complain that i write .. the timing was just off ... adrian

Isn't it just insane the way the anxiety comes and goes Why doesn't it just GO. Good days bad days. Sometimes mood swings hourly.......... I am not bipolar so why so many mood swings. My anxiety has caused me to lose soooooo many jobs because of absenteeism. I'm proud that you managed to get and exercise.. Good luck!!!  Armaden

agserra1

10/22/08 7:42am

armaden - yeah, it gets old .. but as I have weaned down on one med , I am finding a balance .. less naptime , less mood swings ... it is important that there be a balance ..

 

where i went wrond was as i felt more panic/anxiety , the increase of meds was done, instead of decrease ...

 

as i read more into and compared interactions, that was when i realized there was something not right ..

 

it is up to us to get the info , to be on top of what we are taking, and not just rely on docs or np's ..

 

now i am getting to be at a balance , and handling the swings is getting easier , my issue now is i am realizing that i just don't like where i am ..

 

i have been attempting to sell this place for over a year , and move where i can be near people i know , places and docs ..

 

so it was more than the drugs , as i became depressed with my situation, i became angry over it , then sad, then the anxiety kicked in ..

 

learning to handle the situation, is what i am learning , so this is what they mean by "one step, one day, at a time" ... that is how i am approaching it ..

 

since writing about it so much, and the therapy i am in, i am now realizing i am not "afraid" , i just don't want to .. so lessons are being learned at my end ..

 

everyone is different, approaches differ, meds differ , so re-check if with your doc's about the amounts, kinds you are on .. and perhaps a change , how ever subtle , can be beneficial ...

 

do research on the meds , iguard.org , places like this can really educate .. drugs.com .. talk with the doc , or therapist , and just see .. ya' never know ...

armaden

10/23/08 10:44am

Today is a good day got up befor 10am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy to hear when an aweness breaks through. I would love to move from MA to CA with family but it all comes down to money and jobs. I think your right about the meds.  Instead of taking them 2x's it was changed to 3x's a day (same dosage) and I forget to take the noonone, been feeling o.k. with that. Hope your insights continue.           Armaden