My boyfriend left me last sunday (father's day) which happened to be four days before our highschool graduation. My life has flipped upside down because of it. He has been my only friend for an entire year. I trusted him completely and he lied to me about everything. I'm doing better this week than I was last week. Last week I was completely suicidal and I made my friend Kris come get me so I wouldn't hurt myself. I was crying hysterically everyday. This week I was finally able to get mad, which I should be. I've been talking to his mom and brother (who's my best friend right now). His mom is so disappointed in him and they're both really pissed at him for doing this to me. I feel so worthless. On top of all that, I think I've developed an eating disorder. I've dropped 5 pounds and I think people are starting to notice. I want to eat- I love food so much. But whenever I eat I feel so disgusting and unhappy with myself. All I think about is not eating which makes me want to eat, but I hate myself after I eat. I want the instant gratification of a bag of chips but I know it would make me more unhappy. If anything I wish I could make myself throw up so I could still eat a little, but I don't want to ruin my teeth. I can't get this off my mind. I just want to be skinnier. I want to get down to a hundred pounds so badly and I'm only six pounds away.
eating disorder
I'm sorry to hear about your boyfriend leaving you before graduation like that - hardly great timing! Though I am glad that others are supporting you (including his mother and brother) - I hope that makes things at least a little easier. Are you still feeling suicidal? I'm really glad you asked for help - it's so much easier not to do something when someone else is there rather than having to rely on one's own strength of will/self discipline to get through the thoughts and negative feelings.
I think most, if not all, depressed people have a bit of battle with their food. Personally I have gone through different habits: sometimes I don't want to stop eating other times I don't want to eat anything at all. Maybe it'd help you to know that is possible to force yourself to eat even when you don't want to: it does go down even though it feels like it won't. Perhaps if you can persuade yourself to eat something a bit healthier - like some fresh fruit (that's always quite pleasant to eat but is good for you) then you won't feel so guilty about eating - the idea that you're putting on weight will make you even less ecstatic over the thought of eating! It must be so horrible for you. I'm so sorry... perhaps you could work up the nerve to tell your doctor, or maybe a friend? Then they could give you some advice more tailored to your eating habits... a friend might even be able to sit beside you and make you eat or help you make some healthy food you don't feel so guilty about eating... am I being repetitive? Sorry...
I hope you feel a bit better soon and can enjoy your summer holidays.
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Hi,
I know that losing a boyfriend just before the big day of graduating is devastating.
Any loss that has taken someone's time and energy is depressing. It is good that you have his brother for a best friend and his mother.
Just remember, now is a new day, and a new start in a new life outside of highschool.
I remember when I turned 18 and just before as I was 17 when I graduated I had the best time of my life. New social group, freedom, it was great! College is so different from high school. So you now have your summer free to meet new people and take on new adventures.
I have a question about your eating disorder. Is this a usual way that you cope with stress? Do you have a Dr that works with you? Are you on anti-depressants?
I believe I was in the same boat, not in highschool, but after married life and the stresses that come from that. There is a point where when one isn't eating, the brain changes and sends out endorphins. So when times are stressful, the body compensate for that sadness and either eats a lot or doesn't eat.
I've been down to 100lbs. I'm 5'3" and have small bones. It was good to be less weight than in college, as I suffered from homesickness and Seasonal Affective Disorder. Once I got home to sunny California and back to my routines outside of the house. I lost all of the weight. It took a few semesters to figure this out and not live with a roommate that bakes yummy homemade bread!
Sadness can bring on food cravings, or not. Depends on how your body works. I'm working on losing my weight gain from grieving after my son's suicide, 6 years ago.
It takes time...you can be happy again. And after your bouts of crying, and then getting mad, that means you are healing. Go and enjoy the sunshine, swim, run, walk, hike, bikeride, what ever is your favorite thing to do in the summertime.
I used to eat a lot when I was upset. I had been eating less before my boyfriend left me and I think that the depression of that has made me not want to eat at all. I haven't really told my Dr about not eating and I'm on cymbalta.