downward spiral?

Things have just not been going well for me lately- in basically every aspect of my life.

My relationship with my boyfriend is terrible. He completely shattered all the trust I had for him when he left me, broke my heart, and then pressured me to get back together with him. He used to be so different, and he used to make me so happy. Now I feel like he's a person I don't even know, and then fact that he can't make me happy anymore kills me inside completely. He's been my only friend for an entire year, and now when I talk to him, I just feel worse and worse. All we do is argue or blame each other. I'm not that kind of person- I've never been like this in a relationship. And now the strongest relationship I've ever had has become a very bad one. I know that I need to break up with him, but I can't do it. I'm hanging onto the idea that maybe he'll change like he promised and things will go back to the way they were when we were actually happy together, but I know that will never happen. Most of all, I know that I can't hurt him. He insists that he loves me and that he'd be miserable without me, even though I feel like I'd be doing him a favor if I left. I just can't let go of this no matter what I do. It's killing me inside.

I can hardly get myself out of bed every morning.

Every night I lay in bed I'm either considering cutting myself or killing myself. I've also come to realize that I replaced cutting with not eating. For some stupid reason these are things that I want to do to myself. My boyfriend keeps asking me why I do stuff like this, but while I can't explain it to him, I know in my head that it's something that I really want to do.

I really haven't felt this way in a long time. And with track season starting tomorrow, this is the last thing I need. If I can barely drag myself out of bed every morning, than how the hell am I going to stand 12 hour shifts at work? 

I just have a sick feeling in my stomach constantly, and nothing makes me happy anymore. And I just got a new laptop- how can I not be happy?

I dont know... 

I just hate who I am completely, and I wish I were someone else.