so I'm sitting here before I have to go to work thinking about every thing that's been going on lately. not that I'm not constantly thinking about these things.
last night I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm struggling to not cut and he said that I should just shut up about it because it's driving him crazy. I know it's a lot to handle for him, but I thought that he at least understood that when I talk about it it's because I'm trying to keep myself from doing it. I was really close to doing it last night, but I know he'll find out and get really mad at me.
I don't ask him to try and fix all my problems, but he insists that I tell him everything and gets offended and mad at me if I try to talk about them with someone else.
He's making me go to the doctor next week for my "eating disorder" because apparently I don't eat enough. I really don't see where I have a problem anymore.
I'm just not happy anymore. I don't want to be with him, but I don't want to be without him.
I'm terrified of when he makes me go to the doctors. I'm afraid they're going to put me away in Four Winds and then they'll ruin me like they ruined my mom when she went there.
Angelmaker, it doesn't sound like you're very happy with this guy and yet you think you can't live without him. Do you depend on him to tell you what to do? It sounds like he's controlling your life and if that's what you want, I guess that's okay but is it making you happy? He can't make you happy, only you can and the first thing I can think of to get there is to take back control of your life. Do you have a therapist? I don't recall if you've mentioned it before, but when you're dealing with stuff like cutting and not eating, you really should be getting some help. Maybe you feel like cutting more often now because you are letting him take control of your life; not eating is another control issue. In a way, you're saying "You might think you can tell me what to do, but I am the boss of my cutting and eating." I think I'd rather be the boss of my life. Does this make sense? I hope I am not coming across as harsh, because I do know what it's like to let other people control your life. In some ways it seems easier to just let them, but one day you wake up and wonder just where your life went because you weren't really there for it. You are still so young, don't get into this rut now. His control is also evident when he tells you that you must tell him everything, but then he gets upset when you do. How can you win at that? That's not love. Please don't sell your soul for dependency on somebody who appears not to really care that much about you. You need some support here - can you find some? Are you afraid of your boyfriend? That would be one big alarm right there. You have a right to talk to anybody you choose, he doesn't own you unless you let him.
I'd be interested in hearing more from you and what you think of what I'm saying. There are a lot of great people out there who could care about you better than this. Maybe I'm misreading you, but you just don't sound very happy with him and if he's making you feel bad, I hope you will show him the door and not waste any more time on him. Please keep writing if it's helpful, you are worth more than you think.