relapse.

I've been really having a hard time lately. I don't think about killing myself anymore, but I do still think about hurting myself. I've been taking my medication everyday, but I'm not really feeling the positive effects of it anymore like I have in the past. On top of all that, I just realized that college orientation is less than a week away and classes start on the 31st. I'm scared that I'm not ready for this. If I can't get myself out of bed in the morning to go to work, how the hell am I going to get myself out of bed to go to class everyday? I feel like I'm unraveling completely. I feel really scared and alone. I don't have any friends other than my boyfriend. He urges me to get out there and spend time with other people, but I don't feel confident enough to be around other people. I'm scared to make new friends because all of the friends that I've made in the past have completely turned on me and treated me like shit.

I can never get myself to sleep at night. It's almost two in the morning, and I feel exhausted but I can never sleep. I told my dad that I'd work in the morning and my boyfriend wants to take me swimming afterwards. I want to get out of the house and spend time with him. I know he's going to want to invite his other friends. I hate being around them, they don't give a shit about me. I used to be really good friends with all of them, but now they just talk to me because they're friends with Mike and they have to talk to me. They don't care about me at all. I want people to talk to, people who want me to spend time with them, go places and have fun. I want people who care if I'm alive or not. I want to be normal in the worst way. I don't know. I'm just really sick of feeling terrible about myself constantly.