I've been really having a hard time lately. I don't think about killing myself anymore, but I do still think about hurting myself. I've been taking my medication everyday, but I'm not really feeling the positive effects of it anymore like I have in the past. On top of all that, I just realized that college orientation is less than a week away and classes start on the 31st. I'm scared that I'm not ready for this. If I can't get myself out of bed in the morning to go to work, how the hell am I going to get myself out of bed to go to class everyday? I feel like I'm unraveling completely. I feel really scared and alone. I don't have any friends other than my boyfriend. He urges me to get out there and spend time with other people, but I don't feel confident enough to be around other people. I'm scared to make new friends because all of the friends that I've made in the past have completely turned on me and treated me like shit.
I can never get myself to sleep at night. It's almost two in the morning, and I feel exhausted but I can never sleep. I told my dad that I'd work in the morning and my boyfriend wants to take me swimming afterwards. I want to get out of the house and spend time with him. I know he's going to want to invite his other friends. I hate being around them, they don't give a shit about me. I used to be really good friends with all of them, but now they just talk to me because they're friends with Mike and they have to talk to me. They don't care about me at all. I want people to talk to, people who want me to spend time with them, go places and have fun. I want people who care if I'm alive or not. I want to be normal in the worst way. I don't know. I'm just really sick of feeling terrible about myself constantly.
Hey, know exactly what you mean - I have had similar problems with my (ex)friends in the past, and its so difficult to make friends - its a vicious circle, you're afraid of getting hurt and if you're anything like me, its hard to know what to say to people when you feel bad all the time - I always feel like I'm intruding on other people's conversations so I hide in the corner and try to look like I don't care which of course makes people think I'm a snob and so they don't talk to me. Your boyfriend seems like a good guy, so you've got one person there who really does like you and wants to spend time with you - I've known people who seemed to have lots of friends - always hanging out together but when one of them got really drunk at a party and started throwing up - all of those supposedly great friends of hers disappeared and I held her hair back and got her home - yet since then she hasn't answered a single text - my point is people who don't care about you aren't worth having as friends - you're better off with one good friend than twenty bad ones.
I'm assuming you're starting college for the first time, and I'm not going to lie to you, it can be very scary- but its worth it, there's so many people there with lots of different interests and backgrounds - that even the positively wierd people like me can find a few friends. If it all seems a bit much, or you have trouble attending lectures always talk to a lecture or send an email if you don't feel up to seeing them - universities are usually very understanding. Try finding a small society to join - the members are generally friendlier and more open to new members that the big ones. You can do it, just try and take things bit by bit - and remember if you've found one person who cares you will find others, even if it takes some time, I know its hard but try to push past the fear ( and I'm being a hypocrite here 'cause I manage that maybe once a year) and you will find people who want to spend time with you.