Depression is one of many secrets I try to hide from everyone, even from my own family. You all have secrets so you understand how hard it is to give up a secret, especially one you hid for years, two to be exact.

That's when I think it started effecting me, I was 13, I lost my appetite in eating, I noticed that I have been losing weight, but I never realized how serious it was until my mother took me to a doctor. It was the only time my family knew about, they forgot all about it when I started eating better a month later, I think I lost more than 6 pounds in that period of time.

I thought it ended back then...I was wrong, since then, I've almost passed out 6 times, it was really hard to forget them, I remember the first time by heart, it happened last year, I was a little bit sick and skipped dinner the night before. The next morning, I felt a little bit better so I got up to have a nice shower, it was such a bad idea!! In an instant, I started breathing heavily and seeing black spots, I freaked out when I couldn't see a thing, I fell on my knees, my body was shivering uncontrollably as I held on to the sink, struggling to stay conscious. I closed my eyes, wishing that it was just a dream and it'll end, I stayed like that for a while, then, I opened my eyes and tried to get up, I was able to stand for a few moments before my legs started failing me, this time, I took a few steps and sat on the edge of the tub until I regained my energy. I think I stayed in the bathroom more than an hour, which means that I stayed in that condition for more than 45 minutes!

However, this time, I think it's the worst, I started lost my appetite in EVERYTHING!! Eating, drawing, writing, I even stopped doing my homework and studying for tests.....I just stopped caring about everything, and that never happened before. My grades started going down, and yesterday I wore a T-shirt that was tight on me a month ago, and now, it fits me perfectly!!

There were times...I actually considered.....killing myself, I know, it's horrible but I never tried, and never will, but sometimes, when I lose control, I hurt someone (once, I tried to suffocate my own brother, but I let go when he started crying and tell me he couldn't breathe) or break something, but when there's no one and nothing to break, I end up hurting myself (there are marks on the back of my right hand that prove it)

And last week, I tried to take some pills, I didn't realize what I was doing until I almost took the 4th pill.

My parents have no idea what's happening with me, all I've been doing is lock myself in my room and listen to sad songs, like Evanescence, Lacuna Coil and Linkin Park. Now I start listening to calmer kind of music, I just downloaded Alicia Keys' latest albums a few days ago, and it's the best!!

It's been over a month, I don't think I can go through with it without help, and since you all know, I thought I should ask for your help. And don't say I should tell my parents, they wouldn't understand and probably won't believe me, I used to drink a lot and eat very light since I was born, and they would freak out if I told them that my grades are going down and will start shouting and yelling at me, and calling me lazy....well, I know my father would do that, even if my mother believed me, she can't do anything without consulting my father, which will lead to the same dead end.