Wednesday, March 31, 2010
In my mind I can see what I want from life. I have all of the necessary tools but then I disengage. Snapping out of this pity party, dysfunction, irresponsible self seems like it will never happen.
I am going to try to put away my two weeks worth of clean clothes today. Yoga starts at 10 am that would be productive. Honestly, I would rather just lay on the couch, watch tv, take a nap and go to work. If I do nothing I will only feel bad but if I had my way.......
If you had your way then...
I hear you. Some days are like that...everything seems like a challenge. I think it is good to get up and do some things that you know might make you feel better only if for a little while.
Can you tell us more about you and what is going on in your life?
We are here for you.
If I had my way then I think everything would be perfect. Perfection is something I get really caught up on. I know it will never be but it holds me back, makes me depressed and sucks me in.
At this point in time my life is well.... everything I wanted and really tough. I moved to NYC about 8 months ago. NYC is enough to make a sane person depressed. It is really tough to make friends here. Everything is a production -getting groceries, going to the doctor, seeing a movie. I think this adds to my isolation because I just think of how much effort it will take to get things done and then I just sleep and do nothing. Sleeping and doing nothing leads to me feel like a loser and perfection is lost.
I sometimes feel like I am doing great; great for me anyway. I am back to working in restaurants which is my passion and I do love it. The hours are sucking me into a very unhealthy lifestyle. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning, sleeping all day, heading into work in the afternoon and REPEAT.
I was on effexor for almost 4 years and went off almost a year ago. I keep thinking that not being on meds is my missing link. I dont know if I am romantizing the whole experience or if it really was working. I went off because I lost my health insurance and I felt I was ready.
I am re reading my post and feel like a bipolar headcase -but that's what I am.
As far as yesterday is concerned. I DID NOTHING. I think I feel back to sleep an hour after my post. I woke up just in time to get ready for work and that was that.
Its 70 degrees outside today. I am going to try really hard to take the dogs to the park and get some sun. We shall see.
Hope everyone has a great day.