I have suffered from depression and still do, but I have to admit that I am way better now than I was before. But then i get tired of the fight at times and how it sucks at times especially when I cannot enjoy anything at all. I am a University student and I love studying but I don't like the idea of work at all. I just love learning but only Philosophy and Sound Technology. I still want to die, but I do not want to kill myself while my parents are still alive because I imagine it might hurt them badly so what I am thinking of doing is to kill myself once they have died.
is that wrong, is that a sign that there is still a lot I should deal with when it comes to my illness?
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Hi there
First of all I am glad that you are here and talking to us. I do get a little concerned when your title has both words of "suicide" and "plan." Have you expressed these thoughts to anyone else? If you are in any immediate danger you need to speak to a doctor, a mental health professional, or call a hotline. It is not our call to make as we are not a crisis intervention type of site.
Your letter seems to convey that while you may think of this on ocassion you are not planning anything right now...is that accurate?
You also say that you don't enjoy anything but then you do say you love studying and some of your courses. And I can imagine that you love your parents as well. I think a better course of action may be to find ways to cope with your depression than to plan your demise. It is possible to feel better. What steps have you taken so far to improve your mood or get help? This information would help us to give you suggestions.
I am not going to lie...sometimes life does suck. Sometimes depression makes us feel that life is not worth living. But I believe that a part of us is always wanting to hold on because there is hope that it can get better. If you talk to many of the members here who have been through hell and back...they will be able to tell you that this is true--Life is something of great value and is worth fighting for.
We want you to stick around. Please let us know if you need any assistance in finding resources or if you just want to share more of your story.
MM
Thank you very much for this.
I have joined Karate, seeing a therapist and taking my medication to deal with my depression. You are right when you say that I have not really planned my suicide except in the past when I was really not feeling good. The fact that you have replied to this means a lot to me. I told my other friend about wanting to kill myself in the future and she told me that my parents are not the only ones who will get hurt by my suicide, which totallly has an impact on my opinion now. I will try and find other reasons to keep living rather than not to hurt them. I like learning and once I graduate it seems like i won't have anything interesting to do.
There are so many more people then you know that will be hurt. Sometimes we become so depressed we don't realize that there ARE ALOT of people in our lives that DO ACTUALLY care! I have feel the same way sometimes, but you have to find that hope within yourself. That it does actually get better. Maybe not now, or tomorrow, but eventually... Continue with therapy, and medicine.. and maybe look into group therapy, there are people like you (and me) and knowing you have a support system to help you through rough patches you may have, maybe enough to start feeling hope is still alive. and Please don't think that once you graduate school you stop learning... Because in all honesty, We learn something new every single day. I've learned to (try) open myself up to new possiblities. We only get one life to live (as cliche as that sounds). Finding happines, or ourselves (soul searching), is apart of that life. Life is a Journey and an adventure worth taking. That should be interest enough. Because you hunny are interesting, you are an individual... and you have much more then you know to offer to many people.
Stay Strong..Never give up!
Hi again Deatheater
Are you an undergraduate? If you love school and studies...you can keep learning well after you graduate. I went to school up until I was thirty. I pursued a Master's degree in special education and then went on to go for a second degree in Social Work. There is a whole wide world out there filled with interesting things to do and learn. And some of the greatest learning takes place outside of the classroom in our experiences. Volunteering, hobbies, travel, sports, etc....can all provide learning opportunities to engage our minds, bodies, and spirit.
Your friend was right...suicide never ends the pain. The pain will live on in each and every person who cares for you. It is a loss people do not get over.
I would urge you to keep on coping and trying to find some meaning and joy in your life. It isn't always going to be the best of times...it isn't that way for anyone...but I do believe that you can find some moments of both peace and happiness to sustain you.
Please keep writing to us. I am so glad to hear from you!
Remember that....whatever you may be feeling or experiencing...you are not alone. You just have to reach out. We are listening.
MM