Frustrated

By lindsay Wednesday, January 09, 2008

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I am so extremely frustrated. I struggle with depression every day, every second of my life. I've been at my current job for only about five months. Of course you aren't eligible for benefits until after a year. I can't afford to go to the doctor. I was on Medicaid but now I make too much (150.00/wk will get me nowhere.) and was kicked off. If I want to continue my counseling, I have to pay 33.00 for every visit. I am so frustrated at this second. I am so tired of acting like everything is ok. I just want to scream and say why is it so hard to believe that sometimes i dont want to go on. yeah so it's blunt and people dont like to hear it. well too bad i live with that everyday. tonight was crappy and i cant even explain why. i constantly compare where i am in my life to others i know at the same age. i am so jealous of the lives they have. the life i want to have is hindered by my inability to feel like a 'normal' person. my non existent self esteem, my weight issues, everything gets to me all the time and i cant even shut my brain off. i cannot stand when people say just be happy as if u can just turn it off. one of my old friends boyfriend once said i was just doing it for attention. i live in pain everyday for the attention. that sounds about right...not. people will never understand unless they've been there. i read an entry where a man said his wife can't understand that it's about him and not her. everyone in your life wants to know what they did wrong or what they can do to help and then THEY act hurt when you say there is nothing they can do. they get mad at you because they think your shoving them away and they dont understand that there are these feelings inside of you that you could never ever begin to even attempt to explain. i guess i sound like a complaining brat but it just feels so good to say how i feel without worrying that someone wont understand because if you are reading this then there is a good chance that maybe you do understand. thanks for letting me vent....

have you?

Comments (7) | Add comment

Mick

1/ 9/08 1:08am

Know what I hate, Lindsay? It's when everything is going cool, and all of a sudden I get this 'overwhelmed' feeling that takes me seventeen places at once...that's what I hate! Just happened about a half an hour ago too. I still have some Zoloft around here, so I googled it to see if anything new was up with it, and I ran into your rant. My turn.

Rusty

1/ 9/08 6:16am

...and we listen. I remember having shocking post natal depression and 2 little babies to look after...My husband was hopeless....some of my friends said they thought there was nothing wrong with me and that I was saying I had Post Natal Depression to get attention. Other lovely friends decided to take me out on the town..to cheer me up. I remember thinking, if only. If only that would lift the depression, knowing of course that it was not going to happen. The only thing that lifted it was medication. Its funny because when my baby was 18months old I broke my arm. I couldn't believe how many people bent over backwards to help me because they could "see" what was wrong. I remember ringing my mother and laughing I said " I have this piddley little broken arm and when I had PND I felt like I had two broken arms and two broken legs and a broken brain and nobody lifted a finger "(except my Mum.) Nobody would ask a diabetic to "snap out of it". This is no different. I just wish you could get back on some medication. Talk therapy is good but Cognitive therapy combined with proper medical intervention better I think. Go to www.facingus.com for some wellness ideas and try to get back to your doc as soon as you can. Best wishes Rusty

elena

1/ 9/08 2:44pm

lol....You made me think of my mother (who is 80 and still has more energy than I ever will) Among many other helpful hints she's always thought it would help me to hear - "You just imagine what if you lived in AFRICA....then you'd have a reason to be depressed" or CHINA or BOSNIA or most recently "in IRAQ having your house and your kids BLOWN UP in front of you..."

!!!??? Why doesn't anyone need a reason to have diabetes or pneumonia or a brain tumor? Well, it's slowly changing. Not fast enough, but it is what it is.

lindsay

1/ 9/08 10:07pm

i almost wish my mother would say something like that. she likes to act like nothing is wrong. when she first learned how bad my depression had gotten she just said " well i dont know what to tell you lindsay..." that was the most disappointing to hear ever. but your reply made me laugh out loud. thank you

elena

1/10/08 3:58pm

....oh wait, the next thing she usually says is "Well I don't know what to tell you elena...."!!!

Dee

1/16/08 2:07am

geez, am I glad it's not just MY mother..........LOL

Anonymous

3/29/09 8:13pm

I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard to explain to anyone who has never been through it. I stopped going to my Therapist because it became too expensive after my husband was laid off. Now I'm out on disability because I kept trying to stuff it down and "be happy". But it comes out. My work is trying to deny my disability even though I have a documented history of depression. My Therapist told me "They just don't want to pay", the disability advisor says "Your Dr. isn't providing us with enough info". I'm stuck in the middle. I'm so frustrated by the whole process. The meds that don't help, the friends and co-workers who don't understand, my family not knowing what to do and looking at me with those sad eyes. I can't stand it. Where is the help!

Frustrated

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