Ok it's been a while for an entry for me too. So this past week due to some signs I assumed were pointing to a pregnancy; i took a test. I'm not pregnant nor was I trying to be. And I know my husband and I aren't really ready but way way deep down inside a little part of me wanted to be. So I find out I'm not and it's not a big deal because I didn't really think i was in the first place. Then i was thinking about it and i was like what are you thinking? you have trouble pushing yourself to get out of bed, get dressed and go to work. you have trouble cooking a meal for dinner and doing things that normal people enjoy doing every day. so who was i to think that i could bring a child into this? granted, i do NOT believe a child will make things better or make my problems go away. but more than anything i want to have babies with my husband. i guess i feel like if i dont have a handle on anything right now, what in god's name makes me think i'll have a handle on it at any point in my lifetime? blah i hate feeling inadequate.

sometimes i see people i havent seen in a long time and i feel like they wonder why im a cashier. there's nothing wrong with that and i like my job but they always ask if i went to college. i did but i still have two classes to get my degree. but when i say i went to two years of college they assume i graduated and i hate saying i didnt so i lie. then i feel like an *** for lying but at the same think " well how will they know any different?" i still dont know what i want to do with the rest of my life and i feel like whenever i happen to see people i went to school with, they have their careers figured out and are doing all the things they always wanted..what about me?