Been a long time!

By lindsay Tuesday, May 05, 2009

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Ahh so it's been quite a while since I've written. I need to get on here more often. I am struggling due to my own fault. I lack the motivation to get to a doctor and get medication. I recently called a counselor but got their answering service; they never called back and I let myself get away with not calling them back again. It's extremely difficult. With the health insurance my husband has, there is only 1 counselor where I live that my insurance accepts. We live in a small area in South West Wyoming. My depression is about the same I guess. It's not as bad as it used to be. I'm definitely not at my lowest anymore. I haven't cut in a long time although there have been times that I was tempted to.

My biggest issue now is trying to get pregnant. We have been trying for a while and it's disheartening because it hasn't happened. I know everyone says it will happen when it happens. But I freak myself out because where I work there are SEVERAL people pregnant; and when I say several I mean at least 10. Every week it's like someone else is finding out they are expecting. I am extremely happy for them but at the same time, extremely jealous. My doctor tells me we are just not getting the right day. The first gyno. told me I might have a harder time because I'm overweight. The 2nd doctor says I can't put that in front of everything else. I don't know if I should just chalk it up to being overweight or maybe there's something else wrong. It's scary and I try not to think about it.

It feels good to write all this down because I know people who read it feel the same way; not necessarily the pregnant thing but the whole depression thing. It feels good to VENT! And I haven't done it in a long time. Hope you guys don't mind....

Comments (12) | Add comment

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/ 5/09 9:57pm

It is good to see you here again!

If you don't mind me asking...how long have you been trying to get pregnant? I had dealt with infertility for some years and I know how it can drain you emotionally. It does seem that the world is pregnant when you are trying.

Have you purchased an ovulation predictor kit yet? This can really help to know when you ovulate.

I am glad you are hanging in there with your depression. It can be hard to find a good counselor.

Keep writing and reaching out!

lindsay

5/ 7/09 3:55pm

Thanks for the positive message. I actually have purchased one of those kits. I'm always a bit confused on when to use because since the point I've stopped taking the pill, my body was out of whack and trying to remember what it used to do. So I'm not too regular yet and still trying to learn a pattern to my body each month. But I'll hang in there. I'm not complaining about the trying part!! :) And it's nice to watch other people go through and see what it's like before you actually have to do it yourself!!

lindsay

5/ 7/09 3:55pm

Oh, and we've been trying since last spring.

jpw2008

5/ 6/09 6:26pm

I don't claim to know anything about the emotions,The ups and downs, the ins and outs of pregnancy.

I've only heard stories,Yes you guessed it.

Males in general don't tackle it unless it's their wife.

My friends neice just lost her baby that she was carrying for 6 to 8 weeks,She's very upset,What I liked to see was that she wasn't dwelling on her loss.

She kept going despite her loss.

My brother's wife couldnt concieve either for at least 2 years.

I am sorry to hear you can't get pregnant.

When my friend was married;before her husband died.

Many years ago when her nieces were small she tried and tried to get pregnant she never did.

She used to feel like she was missing out.

Now shes grateful to at least have her nieces.

I am not married, I don't even have a girlfriend.

I care about people;try my hardest despite a checkered past.

Keep the faith,

Johnny Lonely Boy

lindsay

5/ 7/09 3:57pm

Thanks for replying. I guess sometimes you start thinking about something you're not happy with and you forget it could be much worse. I have a 9 year old niece and a nephew on the way. I am so thankful for that. And I'll hang in there. I have a supportive family and friends like you guys! :) What's your story Johnny?

jpw2008

5/ 7/09 7:16pm

Hi Lindsay,

Iam not married,live with my mom.

I am 33 going on 34.

My mom was divorced when I was 3.

I am troubled by post traumatic stress.

I just had an anxiety attack.

I have major depression with psychosis.

I volunteer and help a friend(a 54 year old lady who has one lung operational)

I help her clean her house,Get groceries,here and there.

It's terrible, because I should be happy.

I make a difference, but feel like have a joyless life.

It's just plain empty.

Depression robs you of joy.

I feel like quiting.

I force myself to go forward.

I care about people,But I look at my addictions and feel worthless.

I am very confused

Johnny Lonely Boy

lindsay

5/ 8/09 1:14pm

I'm sorry. I don't want to act like I know how you feel because I probably don't. But some of the stuff you said sounds familiar. I feel like quitting too sometimes. Almost like I won't have the strength to wake up the next morning because I am so tired and it's not the kind of tiredness sleep will cure. I'm glad you are helping someone though even if you don't recognize how great that is right now. And I'm in the worthless dept. too. I have absolutely no self esteem. I have major body issues that I constantly fixate on. It doesn't get me anywhere but I can't seem to stop my brain from replaying every concern and worry over and over again. Write back if you want ok?

jpw2008

5/ 8/09 4:13pm

Hi lindsay,

I was sexually harrassed twice by a girl today driving by.

I said some nasty words to her, I didn't mean them,I just felt very annoyed and very offende.

It seems as if I can't make it thru the day.

I haven't been harassed in years and that brought back painful memories.

I don't want to even try to get involved in a relationship, if they are just going to use me.

A girl in the hospital did that,Another one in the hospital coerced me to kiss her.

I am happy you have a good relationship with your husband,I hope.

Johnny lonley boy in chains

Tears well up almost all the time

lindsay

5/ 8/09 4:51pm

I'm sorry that happened to you. I would be offended too so I wouldn't feel too bad about saying something. People shouldnt treat other people that way. I do have a good relationship and am very lucky. Never thought it was possible to have a good relationship.

jpw2008

5/ 9/09 6:04am

Hi lindsay,

Thank you for writing the message.

Glad to hear you are still in the fight.

I read what you wrote to marlene.

Keep up the fight.

la8ter,

Johnny Lonely Boy

Marlene227

5/ 7/09 3:06pm

Lindsay,

I was wondering just how the depression is going? What does our doc say about combining the two? You sure don't want to be in one of those really down days when you are pregnant. Then id you were not on meds things have a good possibility of really hitting rock bottom.

I realize that you have alot to sort out but until you are sure do you think you could hold on a bit longer?

Think of it this way, you will be pregnant when know one else is.

Good luck to you, Marlene

lindsay

5/ 7/09 3:52pm

Yeah I know how it sounds. But apparently since I'm not getting pregnant it's not a thing to worry about at this point. Despite what people may think there has been a lot of talk and thought put into this. I'm not a person who is on the edge and I don't want to kill myself. I've had depression for a long time and I'm probably going to for the rest of my life. And 'our' doctor hasn't said anything....

Been a long time!

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