I know people tell you that but I have lived it...realize that you can't kick the depression but learn to live with it.  Tell yourself its ok...it does not make you a bad person just a different and more perfect than the world can see.  I have found out that we think alot but I need to ask are you on any kind of medication?  You sound like you have BiPolar II along with panic and anxiety issues.  I have them too!!!  I can only advise you to seek professional help--I have to for the rest of my life and that is how it is.  Did you know that most BiPolar people have more artistic talents among other talents....find a hobby whatever YOU like.

Your soul is not at peace..been there done that since my wonderful dad passed away on 28 Nov 2007--You don't ever get over it but you learn to live with it.  Tell yourself is ok to hurt for your mom---its ok to cry--its ok..

I am on several medications thank goodness or I would probably be in jail today.  My temper is awful and I have been known to kick some butt and actually put people in the hospital and I never had a scratch on me.  SO take care of yourself and keep chatting with us!!

cherke55

7/12/09 2:09pm

 Thank you for your heartfelt response. You give me a lot to think about. I am seeing a psych and have been on almost every antidepressives out there plus lithium. Nothing takes the pain away. I know it started with anxiety and panic. My next step is ECT. I read the book that Kitty Dukakis helped write.  It took away some of fear, but it is still there. My father had a nervous breakdown in '76. So I know genetics can play a part in our lives.  I love your look at it all and appreciate the positive response. You have to be a special person. You do have love in your heart.

So I am going to fight to start my next scrapbook. The quilting and reading will have to wait for awhile. I miss my nursing days when I helped other people. It feels much better.  Thank you again! And I send you positive, loving thoughts.

catlady971

7/17/09 7:26pm

maybe you could volunteer at a hospital?  Since you miss your nursing days!  see thats something to explore--you can volunteer at a church nursery--babies can make anyone feel better--or small toddlers..

Keep us posted have a wonderful great weekend...

catlady971

7/17/09 7:26pm

maybe you could volunteer at a hospital?  Since you miss your nursing days!  see thats something to explore--you can volunteer at a church nursery--babies can make anyone feel better--or small toddlers..

Keep us posted have a wonderful great weekend...

cherke55

7/17/09 9:58pm

Thank you for your comment/ I love the support you all give eache other. What would we do without each other?  Your love and support means the world to me. I wish for all a magical treatment that makes us all OK. And people would wish to be us thanwhat they are.  What a dream?!  Maybe someday it will happen. Thank you again

catlady

7/19/09 7:44pm

ok...I love everybody but now I am getting very depressed about work--to make a very long story short..it started 18 dec 2007--20 days after my wonderful dad passed away-

my new supervisor gave me a leave without pay letter(federal govt) well,,it was like a snowball..all of 2008 I was written up everymonth for something.  I have been working on this base for 25 years..1/2 of my life--anyway..I have had to file 7 eeo complaints as of wed of last week--I actually want it to go to a formal complaint because I think a judge will see the real truth--anyway..I lose my security clearance for a small while..on top of everything else..my idiot first line supervisor put me by a Hazardous waste drum container to watch it and make sure the lid is closed right...now get this..it says Toxic on the outside of the drum----I am just trying not to let the anxiety get to me just thinking about going to work tomorrow..

I am under the protected laws of FMLA but they don't give a rips toot---they just want to get me...payback I guess but if all these complaints go to formal proceedings..I am going to ask for the $300,000 plus for emotional and mental damages....what do you all think?

I dont have the answers to give any advise at all. but i will say that people try to understand why you are depression and cant understand it not about this or that it is something that controls your emotions and no matter how hard you try it seem to win. but i am with you on dont see things getting better I am looking into finding a support group for mood disorders . I think they covers all areas from happy to sad and in between and how to maintain it . I feel for the most part there is no way out also. I also have made alot of mistakes that people will never let me forget. I may not be the best person to respond to you if i feel the same. The one thing that holds me back from making a choice to to be here anymore is my family also and the main reason when you are very depressed with live in the moment of the sadness and I do belive in my own life I cant see anything changing based on too many people are against me.But if you can understand that if you make a choice like that it may end the pain here but if you truly belive in God then you know there is life after death and i couldnt imagine if depression has this strong hold over me and sad what would hell feel like. on the other hand your wanting and sometimes begging for the depression to end. My probably is sometimes i feel this way meaning down then sometimes i see there is a future for me but sometimes without any saying or doing something to me i get down again not thinking of a thing not self esteem or anything just hit hard like you can cry for ever . then hour later i can be find. what happen when depression takes over is so bad i know you have to feel no energy and no hope but rememember i guess that your kids love you and there got to be a way to control of these feeling. doctors and counselor and support group maybe can help but no one but medicine i think can balance the sad and happy . cause no talking will fix it but i think it will help learn how to deal with it. I lost my father years ago but think of them and i know sadness has to end but there sadness if you leave them will last forever. cause parents are important as your kids are important. understand there no fix but medicine to help is maybe the only thing that really can work. Hope it not that bad today i realize self esttem or anything just have a thing in the world to do with no wanting to move out of bed no wanting to wash dishes or take care of you. it may have to do with not being around people at times but more is into depression then people see is something that just makes you feel extreme sadness and tired like you dont want to more . we got to help each other i guess maybe this is our way to have friends that understand . i think all depression that is very extreme is all the same for us. leaves you feeling no hope in seeing a better tommorow . I have a kind of depression that keeps me from truely living a normal life but I know my family loves me and may get tired of these moods but they got to truly understand everyone that has depression i think tries everyday just going to work is trying and  not laying in bed. the good for me sometimes is depression will let up at times and i get happy sometimes depression will take it away again quick and sometimes it maybe a person. but mainly it depression that keeps me down and people can make it worse sometimes but assume it this or that. depression is a problem in itself . try to have a good weekend just couldnt not write to you everyone on this site has wrote to me when i needed it and it really did give me hope . hope you understand it not just you that feels it and family is the most important thing to hold on to.

cherke55

7/12/09 2:27pm

Believe me hearing from someone that feels free enough to tell me their story is a blessing. Knowing you are not alone hopefully gives us strength. My faith has taken a dive since losing my mom. Perhaps I never moved through all the steps in the grieving steps. So if He is there, I ask that he take away your pain and suffering. Don't stop communicating. Have you considered ECT?  It is supposed to be 90% effective. I am going to do it. What can I lose but a few memories that may come back. If it brings me back to the former me, it' worth it. Thank you so much for your response. I believe this site is a good thing. Support groups can help. I want the best for you!! I want you to be the "old you" too. My thoughts are with you. I do care. Its the nursing background I have that made me the happiest, but.....going back now is not the right time. Try to have a good day.