I was 5yrs old when my life changed forever. My sister came up to me and asked "has grandpa been touching you too?" I still don't know why I said yes to her question, but I did. So we both went to our mother and told her. The next few days we found out that our grandfather took a shotgun and blew his head off. At that time our parents were seperated so our dad stopped coming around and blamed us for killing his father. Said we were lying. I remember going to this place and talking to these people with recorders, it was so scary because I had to make up stories to protect my sister. This went on for days and even months. Years went by and I started to become the school trouble maker, getting bad grades and getting into fights. I was 9yrs old when my own mother couldn't handle me anymore, turned me over to the state. I was one of the youngest kids in this program that was held at Gibault School for Boys. The state counslers said I was acting out because of what happened to me as child being molested by his grandfather. I remember being in this place and again talking to people and telling stories about what happened. I told them what they wanted to hear because I was scared and I wanted to go back home to my mother. I was at this place for almost 3 years, never once did my mother come see me. Sure I got to ride a bus to the bus station on holidays, but that was it. I was almost 12yrs old when I completed this program. I thought I was going home to be with family. The state said I wasn't ready, therefore placed me in a foster home. This was the first time in my life I was actually molested by the other kids in the home. I thought it was my punishment so I dealt with it, to a point where I told someone. The only thing they did was placed me into another foster home. And again I was acting out sexual with the other foster kids. This went on until I was about to have my 13th birthday and I cried to the state saying I was reading to go home and be with my family and start in school. They finally let me come home. But my family wasn't the same anymore. My sisters were using drugs and drinking. So I picked up on that right away. My parents even let us do drugs with them. It was all hell! But I managed to meet a wonderfull person. I was 15yrs old and she was 13yrs old. We both fell in love and spent everyday together. Until my parents moved, I had to go but I dropped out of school to get a full time job to come back to be with her. I did at the age of 17. But when I got my own place other females took control of my life..as i say it...but in other words I was the weak one and cheated on the love of my life. I never told her or she never caught me. It was a rocky relationship but it lasted for 8 1/2 years. We did have a child together and seperated shortly after because I caught her out with another man. After we broke up we was still going out to clubs and being open with each other. I told her everything I did and how many times I actually cheated on her. I wanted her back because I was still in love with her. But the truth was too much for her and she said she would never give me a second chance. So I started drinking alot and tried killing myself 2 different times. Until I ended up in prison for getting drunk and passing out on a lady's couch. While I was in prison she got married and had another child. When I got out I had to fight her in court just to see my son. It was a hard battle for me because of my crimal background but the judge gave me 3 hours a week with my son. I'm still seeing my son every week for the 3 hours. She treats me like I'm nothing and won't even speak to me. It's been 4yrs since we split up and I'm still crying over her and the fact I did this to my son. I'm getting so behind on my child support because I have no motovation to get out and get on with my life. I'm living with people and using them just to survive female and males. I need help!
I am glad you have found our site and that you are reaching out for support. I am looking at your age and you are so very young to have experienced such trauma in your life. I am sorry for all that you been through.
It sounds like you want to start over with your life but don't know how. You sound like you are feeling trapped.
At this point in your life who is a support to you? Do you have friends or anyone you can count upon?
Have you tried to get any sort of professional counseling or therapy?
I know it seems impossible right now but I do want to give you some hope that things can change and your life can improve.
What do you want to do with your life at this point in time? Do you feel strong enough to move past survival?
Thank you for sharing so much with us. Please stay on with us and write more if you can.
If you were to say what is the most important thing you wish to change about your life...what would that be?
Let's start there and move forward....
Yes, I do want to start my life over or atleast try to get a fresh start. I don't know if I feel trapped or if it's the feeling of being lost and not knowing how to live my life the way I would like to live it. Mostly because I don't have the family support that I wish I had from my family. And alot of that is because I spent a long time away from my family when I was growing up, so I never got close to any of them. I have a large family of 5 sisters and one brother that has spent most of his life in prison. I do have people that I know that try to help me, but I have a guard where I never let anyone too close. Like right now, I'm staying with a female friend just so I wont be on the streets. I help her watch her 2 kids (5yr old and 2yr old) in return I don't have to pay anything. Her kids like me and are getting closer to me because they don't have the father figure in their lives. I don't mind at all doing this because I like kids, when I'm around kids I tend not to show my sadness that often. Sometimes it's hard because I miss my son so much and being around these kids make me think of him and what he might be doing at that point in time. I only get to spend 3 hours a week with my son because I did make a mistake and went to prison. And the 3 hours was just to make sure my son feels comfortable around me. The judge told me to file paper work to get more time, but I havn't even done that because I don't have a place of my own to bring him for the weekends. So she is being a friend and letting me stay here but has no idea what I go through or what I have been through as a child. When I got out of prison I was to check into a Mental Health place to get a evaluation done for my drinking problem. I never went to that meeting and ended back in jail for drinking. When I got out of jail that time I checked myself into a Christain Center Homeless Shelter. I stayed there for about 5 months. Went to AA meetings 2 times a day, and went to church 2 times a day. And talked to people there from the church. I can really say that I was much better there, I felt safe. I wasn't drinking and doing drugs. But it was time for me to move out and find a place to live because I was also working. I moved out of the homeless sheter thinking I was ready for the world again. But I failed after 2 months, moved in a friend and started drinking and doing drugs again. Got kicked out of the place because I couldn't pay the rent. Tried to go back to my parents but was told I was a man and had to do things on my own. So my step-dad loaded up my clothes and took me to the next town over and dropped me off. I slept in a apartment hallway that night because I had nowhere to go. The next morning I went to the library and looked for people in the area. This guy my age was online and I asked if he could take me to the homeless shelter few towns over. He came there and picked me up and said I could stay with him at his house. Turned out this guy was gay. So I guess I was using him for the place to stay and I had to give him special attention. I didn't have to but I felt like that's what I had to do. Stuff went bad and I had to leave that place and went even further and found someone in the state capital city. The person that came and got me was another gay man, alot of stress that I put myself through just to have a place to sleep. He even lives here with the female friend that I babysit for. But I havn't talked to any professional people because a part of me takes me all the way back to when I was a kid and I had to lie to these kind of people and it's really hard for me to trust people and take advice and actually act out on it.
I'm not sure what you mean when you ask if I'm strong enough to move past survival. So please explain a little more so I can answer that question. And what I would like to do with my life at this point in time, would be able to just find a part time job and be able to pay my own way and have my own car to be able to get my son alone and spend time with him alone and not depend on anyone else. Also be able to walk around not only with a smile on the outside but also in the inside. And when you ask me what is the most imporant thing I wish to change about my life, would this be something like: I wish that I would have never cheated on the love of my life and we were still together rasing our son together. Or does it have to be a realistic wish. Something like: I wish I had the strenth to sit down and write my REAL father after 21 years of never seeing him and just asking if he ever thinks about me and if he still loves me because I still love him and miss him everyday and tell him that I understand how life is so hard and after all these years I don't hold nothing against him. Tell him I want a relationship with my father and I really need it and it would close alot of past for me so I might be able to forgive myself and be able to live again. About 5 years ago his name was in the newspaper for selling cocain and weapons to undercover cops and got a long prison sentence like 30 years or more. So I know where he is, but the only reason why I havn't wrote the letter is because I don't think I could take getting let down by my real father twice. I'm 26 years old and I have been through so much without him and I had to sometimes block him out and try to forget. If I write the letter and get denied, will I suffer another 26 years of pain? So if I had the power to change something it would be the relationship I have with my real father. :(
Hello again
I am so glad you wrote back to tell us more. My heart goes out to you...you have been through just about everything.
I can relate some to what you say about your father. I lost my father when I was four. He basically drank himself to death. But despite my young age when I lost him...it was a devastating loss. I think of him all the time. But I am angry too.
It is so hard when you feel all the emotions at once...love, anger, hurt, sorrow...
I cann't imagine what all you feel about your dad. You have shared so honestly and your writing is so heartfelt.
Know that I am not a therapist... I am just a writer here who has gone through life stuff too and depression. All this sort of emptional work...a therapist could really help you.
But in the meantime...what would it be like to write that letter? You don't ever have to send it. But would it be at all healing to get some of those things out of you? I know what it is like to have emotional holes inside....you want to feel cared for and loved. But people in your life have let you down. It is so hard to recover from such things.
I admire your strength and resilience.
Thank you for sharing all of this...if you can...write more...especially if it helps. We are here for you.