God sake

It's been years I haven't write something. I think I'm in a point where I have to share my feelings. 

Just like I said few years ago, life is organize with moments of happiness and moments of sadness. You just cannot be happy all your life. It is just like you had to have some moments when you have to think about yourself, about what you do, about your difficulties, and some where you have to resolved all the problems around you, and those moments are happy one.

I think we cannot just resolve all the problems in one. Everyday problems coming. "how people think about me ? about my laugh, about my hair, about the way I'm speaking, about my jokes..." or most importantly "Did I choose the right school, the right studies ? Or am I losing myself ?"

It's terrible. I'm always in doubt. Always in confusion about what I do, and what I should do.

I rode the messages I posted. I don't even remember them. I don't remember those feelings. I was just a old teenager. Now I feel like I'm an adult. I'm f*****g 20 years old now! I have to take many responsibilities, and I know I will have to take more and more of them. I'm just a lazy girl, who haven't think about those responsibilities. 

Lazy ! That's the big word. I feel the laziest girl in the world. Like I don't want to make a thing to be better or to earn my money. I always think people look at me like a parasit, the lazy girl who don't want to make a thing. I got some abilities, but I feel they are so few, and I don't use them as much as I should.

I don't know what I want to do in my life. I think I just want a soo easy life. No trouble, no soucy, no trap, nothing. Just living without problems. Sometimes I don't know why I decided to pursuit my studies. Why don't I just find an easy work and do it all my life. But I think there is no easy work. And I think I can do better, and be happy in a job I like.

It was "funny" to read my messages. I remember now I wanted to be loved by someone. I do now. I don't know what changed since I got a boyfriend. Maybe I am less independent. Independent in the way "individual". It means that I have to think about me AND my boyfriend. I just cannot act alone now. I cannot change my life in a second. It's not a prison, but it cut a little bit my freedom. And maybe this is what I want. But of course love is stronger than freedom. It is stronger than anything.

What would you suggest to me ? Stop everything, and have a moment just for me, to think about my life, about what I should do, and just find a cheesy work where I can be free of big problems ? Or continue in the doubt, and saying to myself that what I do is what I want to do, that it is just the beginning, and it have to be hard ? 

Runing, or accepting the truth ?

Flying or digging yourself in sadness ?

I like to have comments, even on my own life. I would like sometimes to have someone who tell my exactly what I should or not do. I like people to be clear, even to say bad things on me.