Yesterday was quite a good day. Today was weird. Tomorrow I don't know. But I think it's gonna be worst.

My studies make me worried. It is kind of a moment of your life you cannot fail. If you fail in your studies you will never get the decent work you want. And I am worried about this.

In my all life I was always kind of an uncourageous girl, who is always scared about the future. When something become difficult for me I'm always worried it is because I'm not aim to be in that way. So I change. I stopped general school at the age of 15. I started studying catering. Then I changed because the work was too hard. I succeed my studies, but didn't pursuit. Now I'm in a design school. I wanted a change in my life. I wanted something creative, free, without strict rules. I found that it was not exactly what I expected. Full of rules, technicals, a very physic job, and a artistic sense I didn't really get.

The thing is, even if it is hard, I like it. But I'm not sure if it's exactly what I really want to do. My implication is really important, because the school fees are enormous, and I don't want to make my parents support it forever. 

This is a competition. And I cannot support it. I'm starting to be mad. Kind of paranoiac of others. I feel I'm not improving the same speed as others. The more I work, the more the work become hard. I feel really tired. 

There is no other way. I have to work. I will have to work hard.

In a hand there is work, on the other hand there is my social life. I want to live. I'm young, and I feel I don't live my life at 100%. I'm sure to be ashamed when I'll be a senior... People around me have lived amazing things. I want my life being a dream. I don't want to stop thinking life is like in a fairy tale... 

I saw few months ago the film "easy rider". It's amazingly superb. Crossing all america for freedom. Hippy time ! Why Hippy doesn't exist anymore ? They were ecologist, pacifist, free, happy... I want to be H[a][i]ppy.

My boyfriend is worried about me. I scared him last week. I wanted to kill myself. We just had a fight. I was sad for million reason. I was like out of myself. I wanted to take all the medicine we had in the appartment. I found some. It was a placket of medicine for sneeze [?]. There were 5 or 6. I ate all of them. I knew nothing would happen. So I took a glass of alcohol. I just had a spasm. Like a second were I couldn't breath. Like a shock in my body telling me to stop my bullshits. I cried a lot that night. My boyfriend shook me. I had no secondary effect after that.

I think it was only a tentative of a tentative of suicide. Like a alarm alert to say "I'm feeling bad. Really bad. I need help".

My boyfriend is so worried, he asked me to see a specialist. I don't know about that. I don't want to take medicine. I don't want to seat, telling my pathetic life to an old person who don't give a fuck of what I'm saying. The only thing he might think about all of this is "I should watch football at TV tonight". So much people are making grows of money on the weakness of people...