Finally giving in to medz...

Hi, Glum Girl.  It's so good that you have found some help.  It sounds like you might be having a major depressive episode and you may even feel a little worse before you get better because the Wellbutrin (I'm on it, too) can take several weeks to really kick in.  But don't despair.  Your doctor will answer all your questions, but I do think it should be taken in the morning because it can have a bit of an effect like caffeine.  I hope the time passes quickly before you are getting the help you need - I'm sure it feels like an eternity.  You are a good person who is having some problems and you care about your children very much.  You do have a lot on your plate, but you will be better able to handle it when you're feeling better.

I'm glad you decided to write here and hope that it helps.  Let us know how you're doing, okay?

Dear GlumGirl

   Please don't be afraid of medications.   Boy, you take me back a few years.  I too suffered for many years not realizing it was the depression till I couldn't quit crying, hated myself for my wrath toward my husband and children, hated how I felt everyday.   I see the effect on my oldest child, now 28, with his short temper.  Wonder where that came from?  My twins, now about to turn 22 in few days, didn't experience quite as much fortunately and my youngest, 13 was spared the most.  My poor husband.  I would get angry and obscess in my mind over issues, and only talk to him when I had too.  Sometimes for as much as 3 weeks at a time.  He avoided me by (one of the issues) going upstairs and spending his time with the tv.  (Some issues were legit on my part and we worked some out and some I learned to deal with). Then, I could either calmly go and discuss the problem, or more often, I would approach and scream, hollar, cry, curse and swear.   I use to sleep, sometimes I would just curl up somewhere in a corner and cry, wishing I could just implode.  I can't remember it all and don't want to.  Then I finally sought treatment.  yes it included medications-- several differnt ones over the time and have been on them for a number of years now.  I am 50 and lost my husband in Dec due to Cancer.  I couldn't have loved him more.  I came to appreciate him immensly rather than resent him and he treated me like a queen.  We barely had any quarrels and if I got mad, I wouldn't obscess for weeks and was able to just process it and get over it.  I did end up dx as Bi--polar about 2 years ago.  Things got too stressed at work for me due to achange in directorship and I came to a point that I couldn't wake up for many hours -- extreme on occ. as it was 72 hours a few times,  or I would be up for 24---48 hours.  I couldn't get up for work or was so exhausted and I just didn't want to go.  My quality and quantity of work suffered as showed on my evaluations.  I use to love my job;  both the work itself and the people I worked with and met along the way.   I also went through drinking too much.  I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and counseling for a while with this too.  (even while being treated for depression.)  I did start to drink again, but socially, not coming home with a 12 or 30 pack and drinking till I blacked out 3-4 times a week.  I hope you will come to understand you are not a failure.  I prayed about and confessed my anger and depression/despair.  God did answer my prayers.  He uses medications as an answer.   It is so good to be closer to normal?  whatever that is.  I share your frustration with getting into see a psychiatrist-- it was weeks for me too.  I got started with counseling and the counselor had me see the Psychiatrist-- that didn't hold any weight.  I probably had depression most of my life as I reflected, but things in the marriage just escalated the disease over the years.  You're in my prayers and I pray things will work out for you.  It does take time, and there has been a long time that you have suffered.  As with anything, try to be patient and don't blame yourself.  It is a much of a disease as your thyroid problem (they always check thyroid when looking at depression, ? the possible connection).  Take care and God bless.

Hi Glumgirl

I have to say first off...this was written beautifully.  I really feel you in your words.  And I can tell that you are a person who is really trying. 

I can relate to some of your experiences.  I too used cutting at one point to handle my emotions.  I have written about it.  Let me know if you are interested in reading my post and especially the community comments.

You use the phrase "giving in" to taking medication.  Does this feel like a defeat of sorts?  I know it can feel that way but it truly isn't.  You are saying that you need help and that you are ready to try to make this better.  This is called being responsible.  There is absolutely no shame in taking medication for your depression.  From what you describe here...it does seem you are in the midst of a very bad depression and it is affecting you physcially.  You are listening to your body and...you are doing what is appropriate...you are trying to get well.

I too have children and sometimes I think that the very thought of them helps me to pull myself together.  We want to be there for our children.  And so you are doing the right thing...and being responsible.

You are also writing here and reaching out...this is all good stuff...all steps in the right direction.

I feel your anguish at having to wait for mental health care.  It does seem crazy...you tell someone you are at the end of your rope and they tell you to find more rope to hold onto before you can get help.  The meds too...they will take time to kick in...sometimes 6-8 weeks so don't expect it to help right away...you have to hang in there with taking them.

I do think you are stronger than you realize...and you will pull through this.

Please do keep writing here.  I think many here can relate to what you are going through.  Thank you for sharing your story with us today.