Finally giving in to medz...

I suppose I've been battling with some sort of depression for a little over 20 years now. That was the first time I ever cut on myself.  I'm 33 years old now.  After spending the last 10 years partying, drinking, taking street drugs, getting in & out of debt (4 times), switching careers five times, drifting in & out of volatile friendships and relationships, and finally starting my own family...I am finally giving in to the realization that I may have a real problem with depression that won't go away until I get medicated.  

The only reasons I do wake up in the mornings - despite the inner cries to stay buried in my bed until late afternoon - are my beautiful three children.  The one thing I haven't messed up yet is being a mother...and even that I'm struggling with these days as my depressed state of mind makes "going out to play in the baby pool" not so fun for mommy.

Since October 2008, my life has slowly & painfully just fallen apart, bit by bit.  First, an issue within my in-home business. Then, a fight with my husband (similar to the horrible ones we used to have before I was pregnant with my twins). Shortly after being told by a Neurologist that I suffer from Absence Seizures, I also learned that I had a thyroid disease called Hashimoto's. Another fight with my husband before the month's end. November brought an end to a friendship I had for over 21 years...I still miss her. By December, my domestic troubles had peaked, and financial struggles had begun as I had lost several clients.  In March of this year I had another terrible incident with my business which has now brought on a whole set of legal troubles that I have to deal with. It was a point of no return after that. Everything that I had worked so hard to build has been thrown away. We are absolutely broke. I can't tell my parents what is going on since my father had a stroke back in April and shouldn't have any added stress. I have never ever had soooo many things on my plate at one time! It is overwhelming, draining, & depressing.

I feel like a failure. I feel like a burden on others. I feel completely worthless. I have cried every single day for the past 2 or 3 weeks. I am so irritable and I feel terrible when I snap at my daughter for any little thing. My body is so fatigued that I can only force myself to maybe attend one dance class at my gym per week...no weights for me. Even my typical OCD has taken a back seat as I can go for days without cleaning up my kitchen, straightening up clothes, or organizing my papers. Sleep is my friend. I can't feel anything when I sleep. I wish I could do it more, but I have to wake up & feed my kids. Then, I count the hours until naptime.

The urges to cut on myself have become so strong & so frequent that I get scared for myself. The last time I did that was when I was pregnant two years ago. I know, terrible...but man did it feel good. I know I now need major help. Nobody can help me. Not my best friend, try as she may. Not my cousin, who is like a brother to me and who has suffered from depression & anxiety since he was a child. Not my mother, who worries so much that she inadvertently makes me feel worse. Definitely not my husband who absolutely thinks I'm crazy for feeling the way I do, always expecting me to just be "appreciative of what you have". No, I must get to a doctor asap. So, I start looking into it.