The beginning of this week was a living hell for me. On Monday, I hit an all-time low. I was closer to suicide than I have ever been. I actually had pills in my hand. I actually had a knife at my wrist. I actually had the gun out of the cabinet.
I have learned that the things that didnt used to bother me so much, really grate on my nerves more than ever now. I feel so fragile. Like I could just shatter into a million pieces in a split second.
I discovered on Sunday that my daughter had come back to visit during the holidays. She stayed with my sister. She spent time with my whole family. I never even knew she was here. I felt so betrayed by her and all of my family members. By the way, my daughter is only 16. I havent seen her since she was 14.
I had so very many feelings going through me all at once. I couldnt even begin to start sorting it all out. I felt as if there was nobody to reach out to. I felt like nobody really cared about how I was feeling. I had hatred, anger, pain, disgust, shock...I hate the way these people can make me feel. I cant make it stop either.
I finally broke down and poured it all out to my husband. I honestly did not think that he would understand. But he was willing to listen to me. We talked for several hours. It seems that he does understand me a bit better now. He comprehends the severity of my depression. He realizes that its not a simple depression where I can just snap my fingers and everything is ok. This is something that I fight every waking minute. One day I can be fine, and the next day I can be right where I was on Monday.
My doctor has been contacted. My meds are once again going to be changed and adjusted. Here I go again....
Hello, I understand. I really do. I would like to hear more about your family situation, especially with your daughter. I am fairly new here, and trying to find my way around here, so if you have spoken of this issue before, I most likely haven't had the opportunity to read it.
I had a long time in hell where my daughter was concerned. A heart breaking story!
I am listening,
SuzieQ
It is so hard to decide where to even start as far as my daughter is concerned. So many factors involved.
When she was 14 she chose to go live with her dad 1700 miles away. When she left, it wasnt on good terms. She told me she didnt want anything to do with me. She had also told me that she wished that my sister had been her mother instead of me.
Since she has left, I have not seen her. I have barely talked to her. When we do talk, her father is sitting right there coaching her. My sister also sits and tells her stuff about me. My sister is a very deceitful person. Thats a whole other story in itself.
Anyway, my daughter seems to only want to speak to me when she needs something or wants something. Thn on Sunday she pulled the crap that I talked about. I dont know whether to be hurt, angry, or what to feel.
Jana
So, with that said. What do you want me to know about your life, how you came about to have your children, and anything that might help me to understand you a little better. My story too, is vastly complicated. However, I can tell you this: I have two children; adults now. A son, my oldest and my daughter, who now has her own little girl. Where I am at today, and where my two children arrived at today, came from some very rough times. My children are from different marriages I had at a very young age. They endured divorces and some abandoment and a whole lot of hell with lies about me, themselves, etc. I was struggling with some mental health issues way before these two souls blessed my life, and trying to grow up too fast and have what I thought a normal life should be for me, just made who I needed to be, and the growth not yet achieved that much harder. I had a serious nervous breakdown; long story, after some tragic situations led up to this. My two little one's at the time were just two and four. What a hell of situation. Anyhow, everything I knew and tried to keep afloat despite all I was suffering from deep down inside just came tumbling down. And, with that my children got put in the middle of a terrible he..ll. The shortest version to give you right now, is that my two got divided up, and my little precious girl was getting very unglued, and I had not been out of my hospitalization for very long; trying to live as a single parent by now, and learning to get on my feet. All very complicated. She wanted to go back to her Daddy, who at this time had a new woman, without any kids, and you may know how that deal goes. 'Let's rescue this poor child, and I will take care of you two forever; I am a martyr deal.' I played into his games, and let her go to see how he was going to cope with this out of control little girl, maintain his new girlfriend. I took the wrong chance, and found myself losing my daughter altogether. I can not begin to explain the hell I endured for the years that came about after this. What I can say for now, is eventually, years later, this same little girl became one angry, out of control teenager, who was bound and determined to come back to me and her brother. I got her back, cuz good old Dad was out of control with his discipline, and I will leave my other feelings to the side for now. However, she landed literally on me with a court order and in one hell of bad mental health condition. It was hell from a horror movie. Runaways was the title of my daughter's life story at the time. Meantime, all I wanted was redemption and to be loved by this long lost daughter. Defiant, angry, sick, sick and more sick this child was. I did EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE AND LEGAL to keep this girl I was hoping to find back in my life, and had such little positive contact with for so many years, and to keep her safe, in school, in therapy, on medications now prescribed, but mostly ALIVE. She wasn't having any of it!!! I knew her acting out was typical; how can a child raised with such hate and animosity towards me and be told such lies, and not have a real chance at being with her real Mom, and than finally finding out someone on her Dad's side of the family was lying for all this time? I tried to give her rope, and allow her to feel her way through some of her ordeals. However, I found myself pulling back on the rope, and not finding her on the other side. Counseling together; bonding therapies, you name it. She continued on with her self-destructive behaviors, and than I had to say, "Enough." I had to seek help from our lovely, unefficient, lack in funding and properly educated gov't, to try to help and assist my family. I had her placed under a CINA petition, which is Children In Need of Attention/Intervention/Assistance. I did this, as a last ditch alternative, as she was heading towards juvenile detention. She ran from every facility, and got herself in so much trouble, that every ounce of help I was trying to give her felt like a smack in my face. The courts made a fiedl day out of me, as if my asking for help with this type of petition meant I was inadequate. What else can a parent possibly do after the fact to save their child. I didn't have 100k to send her to some grande facilities in hopes of making her whole. She was, at that time a raging angry liar, and couldn't be trusted. Yet, the facilites where the state places children are mostly outrageous, underfunded, or funded and not put into the ultimate welfare of the kids needs. I found myself deailng with little girls and boys trying to be counselors, if you will. Basically, these places are dumping grounds for kids who have no place to go, and here this kid had people begging to get her straight. More to this story. And, in saying all of this, I know that nothing that is going on in your neck of the woods does not have some story or two behind what is going on right now.
Blame games are not what we are going to be about here. Hell, I am sure you and I have done enough of that to kill ourselves over twenty times. I find this is a total death sentence as a parent. Owning what is our responsibilites in our children's lives, as well as our own, and than doing all we can to make it better with positive resources and support is as best as any one person can do. Eventually, the children that certainly may have had some difficulties either biologically, and/or from family dynamics, get into their teen years and then young adult years, and what they do, must become actions that they have their own consequences for. If you get caught up in guilt Mom, she has you, and trust me, those that haven't learned anything from their part in your daughters' lives get off seeing you suffer. So, let's get it all out in the open, release your burdeons here, and GET INTERPERSONALLY TOUGH!!! Action, doesn't have to be fire and storm! You can find ways to handle this situation without bringing about more of the same yesterday's that we have all had enough of.
I have many idea's and help to assist you with. Again, I embraced myself with a lot of support, help and guidance, and I am now through the hell. Well, this particular hell. LOL. I cannot say that tomorrow some other disaster must be confronted, but the teenager gone awry and all the hell that came with it has finally ebbed and flowed. You can get through this and intact. There are strategies in doing so.
Here for you,
SuzieQ