The beginning of this week was a living hell for me. On Monday, I hit an all-time low. I was closer to suicide than I have ever been. I actually had pills in my hand. I actually had a knife at my wrist. I actually had the gun out of the cabinet.
I have learned that the things that didnt used to bother me so much, really grate on my nerves more than ever now. I feel so fragile. Like I could just shatter into a million pieces in a split second.
I discovered on Sunday that my daughter had come back to visit during the holidays. She stayed with my sister. She spent time with my whole family. I never even knew she was here. I felt so betrayed by her and all of my family members. By the way, my daughter is only 16. I havent seen her since she was 14.
I had so very many feelings going through me all at once. I couldnt even begin to start sorting it all out. I felt as if there was nobody to reach out to. I felt like nobody really cared about how I was feeling. I had hatred, anger, pain, disgust, shock...I hate the way these people can make me feel. I cant make it stop either.
I finally broke down and poured it all out to my husband. I honestly did not think that he would understand. But he was willing to listen to me. We talked for several hours. It seems that he does understand me a bit better now. He comprehends the severity of my depression. He realizes that its not a simple depression where I can just snap my fingers and everything is ok. This is something that I fight every waking minute. One day I can be fine, and the next day I can be right where I was on Monday.
My doctor has been contacted. My meds are once again going to be changed and adjusted. Here I go again....
