Hello everyone and thank you for taking the time to view my story.. Well here goes nothing, my name is Kelly and I am 19 years old, I've suffered with depression anxiety/panic since I was 11 years old. Over the years it has gotten worse. I've been in a couple o...
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KELLY
LEN
Friday, February 29, 2008 at 08:40 AMre: KELLY
Kelly Bender
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 07:13 PMI wish you luck with your therapist. I also go and see one on the 13th I'm nervous but excited at the same time.. I also worry about ya know going and seeing a therapist and it not helping me. I'm very sorry to hear about your kid hopefully things work out for the best. And yes it helps me visting this site with my anxiety and I also feel different once I am here because I see other people suffering from the same problem that I have .. Although when I'm not on it I feel as though I am the only one in the world with this problem .. My anxiety is doing good although I have noticed that when it starts getting dark outside is when I start panicing. Thank you so much for the comment if you ever need anything I'm here.. And remember to always smile..
replyre: re: KELLY
Rusty
Sunday, March 02, 2008 at 04:01 AMIt is normal for depression to be worse in the morning or evening..mine used to come on as it got dark. Something to do with the pineal gland I believe. Keep up with your medications. You are not alone. Many of us have been through what you are going through now. I have been symptom free for 13 years now. Keep going until you find something which works. The therapy will be good because it will strengthen you to deal with what has happened in your past and help you to be well in the future by looking after yourself and your thoughts. Take very good care. You will find the way through. Like the post below I found Zoloft and Xanax worked really well. Now I don't need the Xanax but sometimes adjust the dose of Zoloft as my doc feels I need to.Best wishes R.
replyre: re: re: KELLY
Kelly Bender
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:20 PMHey Rusty, thank you so much for the kind words, you to keep your head up. I'm so scared of the meds just because they haven't ever worked in the past. I take a xanax here and there when I'm stressed or anxiety level is high and I can't cope with it myself. If it's gets worse I will start on the Effexor, I have an appointment for a therapist on the 13 and a follow up with the doctor the 12th. Man 13 years, I don't see how you have dealt with it.. You must be very strong!
replyre: re: KELLY
LEN
Sunday, March 02, 2008 at 07:43 PMKELLY,THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY.I WENT TO MY MEETING AND HE WANTS TO SEE ME ONCE A WEEK NOW.I ALSO DID SOMETHING I HAVE'NT DONE IN A YEAR OR SO,I WENT OUT.IT WASN'T TO BAD I GUESS BUT I REALIZIED SOMETHING,NO ONE IS AWARE OF MY PROBLEM,NOT EVEN MY FAMILY. DOES'NT THAT SOUND DUMB.I TRIED PUTTING ON THE BRAVE FACE,IT WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE BEING OUT THERE.MY DOCTOR IS KEEPING A CLOSE I ON ME,JUST UNTIL THE MEDS WORK OR DON'T WORK IT MAKES ME THINK OF ALL OF US HERE.AT LEAST I CAN SOME WHAT RELATE TO THIS.WE ALL HAVE OUR PROBLEMS.
THANK ALL OF YOU OUT THERE.KELLY I HOPE YOU HANG IN THERE AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
replyre: re: re: KELLY
Kelly Bender
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:22 PMThank you so much for you kind words. Yeah going out can be hard for me because I get so paranoid wondering if people will know the difference. What kind of meds were you taking again? I just haven't found the right combo yet? Keep your head up and remember that I am here if ya ever need to talk.. Where you reside at anyways?
Have a good nite..
Kelly
replyre: re: re: re: KELLY
LEN
Wednesday, March 05, 2008 at 08:19 AMKELLY,YOU HAVE TO EXCUSE MY TYPING SKILLS,THANKS FOR THE REPLY.I AM CURRENTLY TAKING CITALOPRAM,AMITRIPTYLINE AND ZOPICONE FOR MY SLEEP.I AM NOT REALLY SURE IF ANY OF THEM ARE WORKING,YOU HAVE GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS,I SAW MY DOCTOR YESTERDAY,I WOULD CLASSIFY IT AS A BAD DAY.I FIND IT REALLY DIFFICULT TO OPEN UP TO ANYONE,THAT IS THE NATURE OF THIS PROBLEM,KINDA HARD TO TALK TO MY DOC ABOUT IT.I HAVE A MEETING WITH MY COUNCILOR TOMMOROW,MAYBE THAT WILL GO BETTER.I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN IN NORTHWESTERN ONTARIO,CANADA,LOTS OF SNOW.
I DON'T SLEEP VERY WELL SO ITS HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I FEEL LIKE.THANKS FOR THE REPLY,HAVE A GOOD DAY.
replyre: KELLY
Kelly Bender
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 07:14 PMI wish you luck with your therapist. I also go and see one on the 13th I'm nervous but excited at the same time.. I also worry about ya know going and seeing a therapist and it not helping me. I'm very sorry to hear about your kid hopefully things work out for the best. And yes it helps me visting this site with my anxiety and I also feel different once I am here because I see other people suffering from the same problem that I have .. Although when I'm not on it I feel as though I am the only one in the world with this problem .. My anxiety is doing good although I have noticed that when it starts getting dark outside is when I start panicing. Thank you so much for the comment if you ever need anything I'm here.. And remember to always smile..
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Here goes nothing . .
Americantail
Friday, February 29, 2008 at 12:20 PMHi Kelly,
It is such a long journey. I guess the only ones who know what we go through are the ones that suffer the most. I have had many times individuals say you look great!! Get over it! Have a drink! It is all in your head!
It makes me so furious due to the fact that who in their right frame of mind wants to be like we are?
You try every thing and anything to get through just one day at a time.
I have been on a few meds and they seemed to amplify the panic, anxiety, and depression!! I was not compliant so I paid the price, I think.
I have the physical panics that nearly make me crazy trying to fight them. The sweats, shakes, out of body and on and on. I have developed high blood pressure due to anxiety!!! I constanly feel like crap and even though the depression is bad enough the panic/anxiety is the worst of the the never ending evils.
Therapy does not work for me. At first I was against the meds (I worked in a pharmacy) plus the stigma of being mental did not set to well with me.
I did some research and found some very interesting facts~~~~my father was alcoholic, at the time my mom was the anxious factor~~~all of these things seem to have a great impact on me even though I did not know it.
My point is the struggle is on going and it is a chemical imbalance due to all the factors (not only the few I mentioned here) You have to keep trying different meds!!! I have been on Zoloft and Xanax XR now for at least a month and I am just beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing spectacular, but a difference.
The will to survie is so very strong!!! You are strong!!!
I fight daily but I wnat to beat this demon!!!!
Hang in there, a lot of people care believe it or not.
Jeanie
replyre: Here goes nothing . .
Kelly Bender
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 07:16 PMHey there thank you so much for my comment it really meant alot. It's so nice that they have made this site.. And here I thought I was the only one with this problem. But when I visit the site I see I'm not it's good to get advice from other people. And yeah that's true what you said you look great.. get over it have a drink.. No it is not all in your head.. I hate it I wish other people could understand but they just don't and when you try to explain it to them they look at you like your crazy . Anytime you need anything just remember I'm here.. Thank you very much once again.
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anxiety is evil
Dee
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 04:53 AMHi Kelly,
Great to have you here. I hope you find sharing helpful. There are alot of good, caring people here who really want to help one another. I am also a rape survivor & an depression/anxiety patient. I too have suffered with depression & anxiety since childhood that went untreated until a couple of years ago. Choosing medication is a hard decision for most people due to fear of stigma, dependence, cost. etc. Unfortunatly it seems to be a necessary step in taking care of ourselves though. Side effects are common & sometimes it take alot of trial & error to find what works for you but you have to stick with it. Living with anxiety is much worse. You will find the right drug or combo of drugs eventually. I really hope you find some peace. Feel free to message me if you'd like to.
Take care of yourself,
Danielle
replyre: anxiety is evil
Kelly Bender
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 07:21 PMHey there,
Thank you very much for my comment you wrote me .. It actually made me smile!
I'm very sorry to hear about your rape but guess what we are survivors! And if we can get threw that we can get threw anything. I am currently taking Trazodone but I only take it when I need it.. Not daily or anything just when I am having an anxiety attack or when I can't sleep. I still haven't taken the Effexor XR . I go the 13th for my first therapy sesson nervous but excited.. I hope it works this time . I want help and I want to get better.. But then again you never really get better you just learn to cope with it. I'm very grateful to get on this website with people that have the same problems as me, someone I can talk to about it and someone who actuallys really REALLY understands where I'm coming from.. Once again thank you very much and if ya ever need anything I'm here for ya
Kelly
replyre: re: anxiety is evil
Dee
Sunday, March 02, 2008 at 05:59 AMSmiling is good. It gives your face something to do.
Any reason you haven't tried the Effexor? You'll probably find that a daily med lessens the amount of panic you feel. I'm very glad you're going to give therapy a try. Best of luck with that. Remember the only person's opinion of you that matters is you. Anyone else's opinion is their business & their problem. Mental illness is simply an illness of the brain like diabetes is an illness of the pancreas. Neither of them is anything to be ashamed of, nor should we be ashamed to seek & take treatment for it. Be good to yourself.Peace,
Danielle
replyre: re: re: anxiety is evil
Kelly Bender
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:25 PMHey Danielle, thank you for your kind words.. The reason why I haven't tried the anti depressent is because I'm scared to just because I have taken many many other medications in the past and the outcome is always bad or they don't word.. I need to try and find a good combo.. I haven't had to take any of the tradozone but who knows when I will be a mess again.. Better not jinks myself.. How have you been?
Have a blessed nite..
Kelly
replyre: re: re: anxiety is evil
Kelly Bender
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:26 PMHey Danielle, thank you for your kind words.. The reason why I haven't tried the anti depressent is because I'm scared to just because I have taken many many other medications in the past and the outcome is always bad or they don't word.. I need to try and find a good combo.. I haven't had to take any of the tradozone but who knows when I will be a mess again.. Better not jinks myself.. How have you been?
Have a blessed nite..
Kelly
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Meds
Stardust
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 03:50 PMHi Kelly,
You've been through the mill. We've all be through our own mills in life. So you're not alone and we're here for you anytime.
Why not give the meds a try? I've been on so many med combinations it's not funny. But I've been on Effexor XR for a couple years now, and it's like a wonder drug for me. I know everyone's chemistry is different, but why don't you give it a shot. It takes 4 up to 12 weeks for it to get in your system and any side effects to fade away. Read that in Psychology Today. And I don't feel like a zombie either. The Effexor XR also helps the anxiety/panic, along with the depression.
God Bless. Take care of yourself.
replyre: Meds
Kelly Bender
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 07:09 PMHi Stardust, thank you so much for the comment, just alot of worries about what people think of me and finally I said screw it, I want help. I just hate the fact that I have to deal with this .. Life is very hard and it seems like the more and more I try the worse it gets. Do you take anything else withEffexor XR? And how were you side effects? Thank you so much
Kelly
replyre: re: Meds
Stardust
Saturday, March 01, 2008 at 11:02 PMI've been where you are, and it's so very hard. It will better one day. Guaranteed. I never did tell my "secret" to anybody. I can count on one hand the number of people, maybe a couple more, who know of my mental illness of over 25 years diagnosed. But you get the idea, we're just so stigmatized it makes me angry. The worst is "just snap out of it"!! I was diagnosed with major recurring depression and anxiety/panic disorder for 20 yrs. Never really stabilized the depression. That's because I was misdiagnosed, and it changed to bipolar II and anxiety/panic. Then just last year ADHD was added to the list. So, I take Lithium 600mg, Adderall 80 mg, Levothyroxine .125 mg, Geodon 160 mg, Carbamazepine 1000 mg, Effexor XR 300 mg, and Klonopin 6 mg. It's been working pretty good for 2 yrs. now. I'm happy with the mix. All of them have the side effect of drowsiness and hand tremors, but I don't think Effexor has tremors. It took a little while, but I got over the drowsiness. And the hand tremors come out if I don't eat properly. Hope this helps, Kelly.
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YOUR POST
JENNIFER TURNER
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:00 AMHELLO KELLY, I SEE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE READ YOUR SHAREPOST AND RESPONDED. YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE THAT FEEL JUST LIKE YOU....YOU ARE SO YOUNG AND YOU HAVE GONE THROUGH BAD TIMES, NO WONDER YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO. I WILL BE 64 THE END OF THIS MONTH AND I HAVE TIMES THAT I ASK GOD, WHY, AM I STILL HERE? THEN ONE OF MY GROWN DAUGHTERS, OR A GRANDCHILD...ALSO GROWN,EXCEPT FOR THE 2 YOUNGEST, WILL CALL AND MAYBE NEED SOME ADVICE OR JUST WANT TO SAY HI, NANNY, AND I REALIZE, WHY I AM STILL HERE. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 45 YRS. MY HUSBAND IS A GOOD MAN BUT HE IS ALSO A CONTROL FREAK, AND IS VERBALY ABUSIVE TO ME....I HAVE BEEN TAKING ZOLOFT FOR 2 YEARS, IT IS THE ONLY MED. THAT HAS HELPED ME WITH MY DEPRESSION. I HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER NOW AND ALSO MAYBE SOMEONE HAS POSTED A MESSAGE THAT HAS HELPED YOU. HANG IN THERE....JENNIFER
replyre: YOUR POST
Kelly Bender
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:31 PMJennifer,
Thank you so much for you kind words. You are very strong woman and whatever you are doing to survive I sure would like a piece of it! I am very scared to take the anti depressent just because I have had very bad luck in the past with any other medication for depression I have taken. I hope it gets better it does somedays and then it hits me again. I just want to be normal!
I hear ya on the realtionship status even though I'm young I know what your going threw.. And yes everynight before I go to bed when I pray I ask god why I'm here it must be for some purpose.. Hopefully the outcome of my being will be somewhat good. Anytime you need someone to talk to please know that I am here..
Have a very blessed night.
XOXO
Kelly
replyre: YOUR POST
Kelly Bender
Tuesday, March 04, 2008 at 10:33 PMJennifer,
Thank you so much for you kind words. You are very strong woman and whatever you are doing to survive I sure would like a piece of it! I am very scared to take the anti depressent just because I have had very bad luck in the past with any other medication for depression I have taken. I hope it gets better it does somedays and then it hits me again. I just want to be normal!
I hear ya on the realtionship status even though I'm young I know what your going threw.. And yes everynight before I go to bed when I pray I ask god why I'm here it must be for some purpose.. Hopefully the outcome of my being will be somewhat good. Anytime you need someone to talk to please know that I am here..
Have a very blessed night.
XOXO
Kelly
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hey kell.... its momma
Kelly Bender
Friday, March 07, 2008 at 03:04 AMhey angel,
well you left your laptop on the table, open to the websight you have been praising. so i decided to check it out. i read your page and your comments...1st and foremost i want to thank everyone for helping my baby! this week she has been a new person with having someone to listen and understand her, for she felt so alone. my child has been dealt with a pretty sh!tty hand in this game we call life and she has overcome so many things to be 19. its hard for people to really and truly understand whats going on , because she has such physical beauty and such a sweet sweet soul, that on the outside, she seems so perfect to look at, and usually thats all people see. people stereo type her as drama, attention seeker, blah blah! no one ever looks on the inside to see who she is. kelly has a wonderful boyfriend who adores her and understands all she has to deal with,and i give him props cuz people hes in it for the long haul, hes right with her on this, and i love him for that, like a son! she also has a loving family, which some of us understand her hurdles in life, me, her daddy, 1 sister and 1 of her 3 brothers can really relate to her and we have reasearched depression and anxiety and seizure disorder. 2 brothers and 1 sister however are just clueless! they were married and out of the house when she was young. shes the baby tho, so all of them helped spoil her and i dont mean spoil her with things , they spoiled her with love, and still do...and its very easy to do, shes that kind of person, she is just a joy to know and have in your life. my heart breaks that i cant help my child. when 1 would get a tooth ache we would go to the dentist, the flu, we went to the dr, depression, seizures,panic ect... the drs would say "we dont have answers, its common" well i WANTED answers! it WASNT common to me, this was my child they were passing off as "commom" illness.she would be in the hospital 2 weeks at a time. we went everywhere, did all we were told,and we blamed ourselves. and my baby was still sad, and hurting. it was just heart wrenching to me. but shes a young woman now, and dealing with this in her own way, not being MADE to go to therapist and drs, and i see such a change., so kudos and props to all of you,for listening and understanding.. im sleeping better knowing shes got people to vent to that understand her and importantly wont judge her, when she was alone before. hugs to all, kelz momma
KELLY,
im so proud of you and i want to tell you again like every day, how much i love you. you went to crisis care on you own,found a new(for adults) therapist and sought out help by yourself, and found something that works for you, going all those years, and being "made" to go, were totally different than "wanting" to go now. i think you are on the right track, sweetie. im here for you all the time, and i always will be. always know that. you are so loved and adored by your close family and friends and chris. you do what ever works for you baby girl!! this website to me is kinda sorta like "self tharapy" as you said you felt so much better just logging on here and reading or commenting someone.and things will get eaiser hopefully, im not going to say it will go away or get better, because id be lyingand i dont know because i dont suffer from it, but it could get eaiser. hope you have a great day! and please know and always remember kelly...im listening, honey. oh yea, i love your new laptop chris got you for vday my valentine got me a diet 7up and a dove candy bar! lol i love you "PWRINCESS" bunches and gobbs, momma
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KELLY,I TOO HAVE HAD RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS REGARDING MY DEPRESSION.MY GIRLFRIEND OF TEN YEARS LEFT ME,THAT WASN'T REALLY THE BAD THING BUT SHE TOOK OUR SIX YEAR OLD SON WITH HER.I DON'T BLAME HER FOR THE BREAKUP,I GUESS I WAS PRETTY MOODY AND NOT COMMUNICATING DIDN'T HELP EITHER.TODAY IS THE DAY I GO SEE A COUNCILLOR AND SEE IF THAT WORKS.IT IS NOT LIKE I AM ANGRY OR BITTER,IT IS HARD DISCUSSING IT WITH ANYONE.I TOO STARTED NEW MEDS FOR THIS AND WAS TOLD IT TAKES TWO OR THREE WEEKS.THIS SITE MAKES ME FEEL DIFFERENT,LIKE I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE.I HOPE IT DOES THE SAME FOR YOU,IT'S HARD ADMITTING BUT ONCE YOU DO IT,IT SEEMS LIKE THE WEIGHT IS A LITTLE LIGHTER,JUST HAVE TO HANG IN THERE ,GOOD LUCK.
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