Think The Worst of Everything

Hi Everyone,

This is my story of what I have suffered with I believe since I was a child. 

      First I want to say I'm a 33 year old woman who has sooo much stress somedays I want to run away from it all but I know I can't.  As a child I always had to keep things together in my household because my parents had me at a very young age my mother was only 16 when she had me and although she tried her best to raise me it was difficult and I believe (although she denies it) that she suffered from major depression her entire life as well, one because she actually tried to comit suicide when I was in my teens and she has always had Panic attacks, major alchohol addiction and it was tough as a child growing up so fast.  I was always brushed aside and ignored as a child and I wonder today if this could be playing a part in why I have so many "issues".  I could go on to mention the many other factors that have only put me into deeper depression but they are so terrible I'm afraid to talk about them to anyone. 

     I've told many of these personal issues to my now husband of five years but he isn't that supportive and doesn't really understand how and why I feel the way I do.  I always think the worst of everything and I'm always thinking he's cheating on me.  I cry all the time and I do have thoughts of suicide although because of my three children one who is fourteen a girl, ten year old girl and now my husband and I have a nine month old son after suffering three miscarrages.  I'm grateful that we have finally been able to have a child together but it's been really hard because we both have to work opposite shifts and never really see eachother and we are just both so exausted from it all there is no intamacy at all.  I complain to him about it all the time but he tells me that he doesn't want a emotional connection right now and that this should be the least of my worries and that when people are together for a long time this happens were you are just not interested in eachother anymore.  I feel as though I'm in this relashionship all alone.  He tells me that all I do is complain about my job and that really turns him off from me. Now all of this is just making me feel worse I finally went on Wellbutrin because I litteraly was crying all the time at work, I'm a bascket case.  I've been on the medicine for a month and it doesn't seem to be working but I'm afraid to go on another one because of weight gain because I gained 80 pounds a few years ago when I went on Paxil and haven';t been able to lose it since.  I feel so overwhelmed.  My fourteen year old daughter has a granular cell tumor that we have been dealing with for years now and finally been referred to Mass General but with all the medical bills piling up.....My mother has been sickly for years now too with chronic pancreiatiis and you guessed it I'm the one who she has needed the most to help bring her to the hospital etc.  I feel like everyone needs me...No time for my self I almost think I just don't deserve it.