Hello.
It's a cold, wet and dreary day. My wife's at work, the boys are in school and I'm...well I'm still here.
I truly hope all is going well with everyone.
I feel useless and insignificant. Funny, the whole world is falling apart around us and here I sit not caring.
Laid awake in bed last nite, mind wondering as usual, not sure I should have joined this thing. I've become adept at hiding my feelings. Pretending all's well, at least as well as can be expected. I listen, nod, smile or laugh when necessary, all the while hiding inside myself.
My head is spinning, gonna be one of those days.
Don't feel like much of a man anymore. Never the less, I trudge on, clean house, do the dishes, buy the groceries. Not really supposed to drive, but I do. Bought me a four wheel drive pickup, didn't make the wife very happy. Didn't need it, sits in the garage most of the time. Was it mid life crisis? Oh yeah, just turned 55 in August. Feel like I'm 80.
Looked up psychiatrists. So many to choose from. How do you know which one to go to?
Used to be so confident, self assured. Now only doubts...
My daughters are grown and on their own now. They're doing fine. Very proud of them. Both still single, so no grandchildren, but that's ok. This day and time, they shouldn't rush into marriage.
My sons. A father should be someone his sons can look up to. I've let them down.
Knowing my children love me and that I love them is what gets me through the day. They are the only reason I tolerate life.
I want them to be happy and enjoy the moment. I hope that they can remember me as I used to be and not as I am now.
See, just writing these things brings a tear to my eyes. I never used to cry. Was raised boys don't cry. Comes too easy these days. Only remember crying as a child and when my father died.
Said too much already.
MT, crying means you have feelings - that's a good thing. It's grief over stuff you've lost because of your disability and your depression, maybe things older than that, as well. Maybe your family needs to see you cry, too; it's hard to be that vulnerable, yet it's a display of trust and letting people see the real you. It's hard to not have compassion for someone who's in pain. I'm glad to hear you're looking for a psychiatrist; I know it's hard to know who is good, but maybe you could ask around - I've gotten my best ones through people I've known. Just know that if you happen to get a psychiatrist or therapist that don't feel right to you, you can change. You want someone that makes you feel like you are being listened to and that they're looking out for your best interests, not theirs. When you have that trust, then you can be ready to hear what they have to say.
I hope you can try not to dwell on the idea that you've let your sons down - I'll bet all they care about is that you feel better and can make the most of what you have. If they know they have your love, that's all they really need so that doesn't mean you have to do all this stuff with them if you can't.
I'm feeling kind of sad today myself. My younger son is developmentally disabled and I do some volunteer work for the job development agency that's helped him find a pretty good job. I was talking to his job coach and she told me about another client of hers who is 35 and just found out he has cancer and it's in several places and he doesn't understand a lot of what's going on. He had a brain scan the other day and she asked him how it went and he said, "Well, I have a brain. Now I can take that 'For Rent' sign off my ear." I thought, how remarkable to have that sense of humor during such a scary time of his life, but I think the reason he can do that is that he knows he has support, he can ask for help and he's learned that he'll get it. So, I want to say to you, I'm glad you're writing here, maybe it'll help you think things through and it's definitely okay to cry and release some of that grief. I hope you'll feel better soon. You really aren't alone.
Here there ! Watch what you say about us MidLife Crisis folks, I was born with mid life crisis. Seriously, I agree with judy, so much of our childhood, was your a boy, you gotta be strong, not cry, this isnt so in the European countries where men cryopenly esp in Eastern countries. Crying isnt a weakness, I like a man whose man enough to cry. If that makes sense. Your obviously not sleeping either [can relate to that] and that why you need to go and see a good psychiatrist. I feel there are issues going back a longtime that need to be spoken about in a safe and supportive environment. Its diffficult at 1st but the relief after is just great, a burden of grief, sadness, off your shoulders. I really feel youre putting huge pressure on yourself to be 'happy' try and just be yourself and really connect. Its closing yourself off that worsens the isolation. Ive 'acted' through depression, through feeling awful and I only fooled myself. We can just come across as obsorbed, selfish, better [not to moan] but say you wanna be back to the man you were mentally and that youre going and taking positive steps. Relating how you feel here is safe and nobodys judging you. Next step is get yourself some peac of mind and get the joy and purpose back into your life, it takes work but youre gonna feel alot better about yourself and about your family. Remember, when youre down,your perceptions of yourself are Disorted, youre a survivior not a loser. why not make that call now?
Hi Rose. I'm truly sorry, no offense intended about mid life crisis. Just wondering out loud if that was what it was that made me buy the truck.
Thanks for your response.
Thank you Judy. I'm sorry to hear you've been sad today. You sound like a very nice person. I wish there wasn't any sadness in the world. Unfortunately, that's just wishful thinking. I feel your sadness because I too am sad. I guess we can both be happy in knowing we are not alone in this.
Smile
Maybe the letting go and crying or showing feelings like that in front of others will come in time for me. Right now though, it's too ingrained in my upbringing to allow that to happen.
Thanks for caring. Know that I care that you are sad and want only happiness for you.
Howdy, Was only throwing in a joke, I'm 50s too and sometimes I buy the craziest things, there's no harm in being abit childlike, I still do mad childish things and buy things that are a waste of money etc but if it keeps us happy thats all that matters, you go and get some good advice about seeing a good Doc. Theyre humans with their own troubles, just very knowledgable on how to get you to open up and share and also if you need some Meds to kick start you back to the happy family man you were and will be . u take care now
Hey Judy and misplaced Texan and all, I know this isnt a Religious Site but I'm christian and I was praying for us all tonight on the Site, there's great power in it and threres great power in opening up on this site [to the extent you feel safe] and then a professional. Im wishing you all joy and peace Rose x [From Ireland]
Thanks for the prayers, Rose - I do believe in the power of them. I think God especially listens to the Irish!
Hi Judy , Well maybe he did listen more when we were The Land of Saints and Scholars - Now our Government have turned it into the Land of Scammers and Dollars ! The Lord hears the heart of the weary so in that case you can all relax coz he's listening to mine right now ! its 6.40 friday am and I was up most of the night with the big Cat that got neutered as he was in alot of pain and wanting to get out - After a night of no sleep [again] I relented now and let him out. Going back to bed for one of those power naps Merely Me was writing about - only it might be a marathon Nap this time. You all take care.