My husband has had depression for years but has only realized it about two years ago. I used to blame myself for our relationship problems and always thought that it was something that I had done. Now I know that he has been trying to cope with life and has been struggling through it. Each day I wake up wondering what the day will have in store for us?
I try to be understanding but sometimes I fail miserably trying to do so. I find myself nagging him when his messy habits arise or his sleeping bouts for 12 hours (or more) come on. At times, I give him lots of space because I know he needs it. I just don't know what to do. I am sad and feel frustrated with him but mostly with myself for not knowing how to be the person he needs.
We have tried couples counseling but he did not feel comfortable doing that. He is currently going to sessions on his own but does not (in my opinion) go often enough. I feel that "walking on eggshells" feeling quite a bit. He's a good man and a caring husband. The doctor recently prescribed abilify for him but it makes him sleep all day and all night. He hates it and has decided to stop taking it. I see him trying to push through his episodes of depression but he seems very unhappy. How can I help? Am I being supportive enough? As his partner in life, I hope I am doing the right thing.
Sincerely, sad and frustrated,
Worried Wife
Hi, there, I can understand where you're coming from and I've been in both your and your husband's position. It sounds like you care very much about him. One thing I thought of is that since he is seeing a therapist, although maybe not enough in your opinion, you can give his therapist any information you might think is helpful. The therapist can't disclose anything confidential to you, but can receive information from you and it might be very helpful, especially the fact that he's stopped taking Abilify. His doctor should know about that, too because there might be something else that can be tried, instead. Some drugs will have that sedating effect and people have different sensitivities to different drugs, so it's a lot of trial and error. My husband also went through a very depressive episode after losing his job several years ago, could barely bring himself to look for another one and was out of work for 18 months before a miracle happened and someone bought the company he'd worked at and re-hired him. I was ready to strangle him by that point and wondering how we were going survive financially - I really don't know how we did it that long. But that is one thing you can do - talk to his therapist and/or doctor. Another thing you can do is see a therapist yourself for support in dealing with him because you don't want to let yourself get pulled down with him. It's so easy for that to happen, believe me. I had a therapist myself at the time of my husband's depression and that helped a lot because he wouldn't see anyone, although we were in couples therapy, at least, but it still didn't get him off his butt.
I know this is really hard to deal with. Try to get out yourself and breathe some fresh air, talk to friends, whatever to change the scenery now and then. You're doing the best you can for now. And keep writing here, there are a lot of people who have been through this and come out on the other side. We'd like to know how you're doing.
Judy,
Thank you so much for your supportive words. It is difficult to find anyone to reach out to about this because most people who aren't going through it themselves don't understand. I also can't talk to our families about it because they just aren't objective. I am going to seek out counseling for myself. I decided last night after posting my message. I went to Barnes and Noble today and bought a book on supporting and living with a loved one who has depression. I am thinking about calling my husbands doctors but I don't want to go behind his back so he feels like I am treating him like a child. I guess if it is private and I let the doctor know for general information maybe that could work.
I feel like I can no longer just stand by and let this spiral out of control. I see the cycle come and build and then it passes for a bit and then it starts up all over again. I can see it coming way before he sees it coming. It is wearing on me and I don't want to be angry or frustrated by my husband because I know he is trying the best he can right now. I know that there is more out there for him. I know that the quality of his life can be much than what it is now. I want to get some of the life we once had back. I love him and would do anything for him. He is my whole world and sometimes I don't know if he realizes it.
Thanks again for listening and for your words of wisdom. I am so glad there is a place that people like me can go to to connect with others in my situation.
Thanks,
Worried Wife
Hi, glad to hear things are starting to happen. You can talk to his doctors in confidence and if you don't want your husband to know, you can request that they keep it confidential. Even if he were to find out, he might be angry at first, but he'd at least have to start dealing with reality and quit withholding information. I know what it's like to not be able to talk to family members about stuff like this and it makes you feel like you're all alone. Good luck, you're doing the right things and I hope everything turns around for you. Feel free to write again any time.
Let me first say that your love and concern for your husband is enduring. Now, let me share with you the perspecive on your husband (been there). For years, I have been through a variety of meds that have various affects (sleepiness, numbness, etc). It took a long time to find the right combination for me (when I was taking meds). Often, it takes time (usually 30-60 days) for the meds to take full affect ** I am not a doctor just repleating what I was told **. It will also take time to tapper off of the meds...
This finding the right combination was very frustrating for me and my ex wife.
When I was sleeping most of the day it was for 2 reasons..the meds, and my way of escaping dealing with the depression. One one med, it was like a tranqualizer and literally took effort to get out of bed to move around. Let me say that though I am no longer on meds, there was a time that Meds helped me get through the deepest of trenches. For me, it took years to learn how to deal with these emotions.
Now back to the perspective part, When I was a husband going through depression, it was extremely difficult and as a result i was filled with anger, frustration, and moodiness Why? because I knew that I was not being the husband my wife longed for, the father my daughter needed and I could not help it... I wish I could tell you that it is going to be easy but I would be misinforming you. **of course it goes without saying that physical abuse is not and should not be tolerated **
So my suggestion to you is to dig deep inside yourself and be strong during this turmoil, and surround yourself with support, professional help, and friends. there is light at the end of the tunnel, just hard to see it when your in the trenches.
my heart and prayers to out to you and your husband.