Anxiety and Depression: My Own Story

By Merely Me Wednesday, January 06, 2010

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Hi everybody!

This week on the Midweek Muse the theme is: ANXIETY

Can anyone relate to this theme? I know I can! Deborah Gray just wrote about anxiety in her post today. And I just started writing for the anxiety site. You can read my first ever post, "Writing about Anxiety: A Personal Perspective." So please do come on over and join the site as I know so many of you suffer from anxiety as well as depression.

I can tell you that I have experienced anxiety in my life just as long as I have had depression. The two seem to go hand in hand. And I am not sure which feeling is worse. For some reason it is more difficult for me to talk about my anxiety. Growing up in the inner city, it is something you learn to hide. You don't want to appear vulnerable or frightened. But I can tell you that I was each and every day!

Anxiety and stress cause a vicious cycle usually resulting in depression for me. So it is a good strategy to decrease the anxiety and stress to prevent the depression from starting.

Here are some interesting quotes about anxiety:

When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past. ~Author Unknown

I've developed a new philosophy... I only dread one day at a time. ~Charles Schulz

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. ~E. Joseph Cossman

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time. ~Pat Schroeder

As a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey. ~Thomas A. Edison

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. ~Don Herold

So let's get creative with this topic.

Here is my little stream of consciousness writing about anxiety:

My experiences with anxiety began early on. Let's face it, life is full of frightful things. Like for example, Mrs. Rosiac, my first grade teacher. Mrs. Rosiac was a big woman who wore loud flower print dresses. And she was mean as a viper. I have always been shy but given the courage of my convictions, I will speak my mind. One day Mrs. Rosiac gave us all crayons and paper and told us to draw a picture of the outdoors. I drew my picture complete with white sky. As is common in northeast cities, the days are usually overcast with cloud cover. Mrs. Rosiac was a stickler for blue skies evidently and told me to color in my sky with the appropriate color. When I refused she scowled and asked me why I would not do what she ordered. I grabbed her hand and led her to the window. I showed her the cloudy sky and said, "The sky is not blue today." Well this didn't sit well with Mrs. Rosiac who then proclaimed that I did not know my colors.

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Comments (31) | Add comment

Paul

1/ 6/10 4:58pm

In fact, in my little mind, I bounce back and forth between my own self diagnosis of having Depression more, or Anxiety more and decide that I quite enough of both!

So I will have to visit both sites, I will admit I have already been over there and read your marvelous article. You do know to write and bring out one's thinking cap.

Anxiety R Us. I should have a bumper sticker or a plaque, you know, one of those High Score things? Award for The Highest Score Ever!

Seems crowds and I do not mix. I'll go in them but I won't like it, though there is a friend I've accompanied and their mere presence makes it fun. A lot has to do with who I'm with, or where I'm going. I also had my share of Mrs. Rosiac's. I'll save them for another time.

Congratulations on your new writing site, they are in for a new, emphatic, fresh and well written experience over there. Good luck!

P.S., I could swear, Mrs. Rosiac, the sky here looks as gray as can be, today.

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:21pm

Yeah Mrs. Rosiac was a stickler for the blue skies. She was such a shining example of a caring compassionate teacher. NOT!

I don't like crowds either. I used to be able to tolerate them much better.

Thank you so much for coming on over to the anxiety site...the more the merrier!

jpw2008

1/ 6/10 5:57pm

I always hated school

thats another place for abuse

I dont understand what they mean by not letting people bother you

Every where I go I'm anxious which causes heartburn

Jon

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:23pm

I hear ya Jon...

School can be a very anxiety provoking place. As a kid I experienced school phobia and I plan on writing about that experience soon.

Anxiety can cause physical symptoms for sure. I feel my anxiety in my stomach.

Thanks for coming by and commenting...I hope this site helps you!

CJinLV

1/ 6/10 6:46pm

Hi M/M,

LOVE your 'snippets' about anxiety!

Wow, I can certainly identify with your 1st Grade experience. Heaven forbid the teachers' God-like status should ever come into question!!! I so vividly recall the whole "square peg" vs "round peg" mentality so prevalent in those days..."Conform or die, damn you!". Needless to say, I hated the whole elementary school experience.

ANYWAY, I can relate to anxiety on various levels, however I believe my worst form of anxiety is relationship-related. Although I'm actively working to improve myself, I believe myself to be the sort of man who would rather die than 'hurt' someones' feelings, primarily through breaking up, divorce etc. Looking back I see that I did indeed 'die a slow, painful death' by sparing their feelings. Imagine the happy, fulfilling relationship(s) I could have experienced had I been true to my own feelings instead of lettiing anxiety derail my chances for happiness!

I may have said this before, but one of my firmest beliefs is that the 'anticipation' (hence, anxiety) is always FAR worse than the actual event. The two words that can kill us from within are "what if".

Rose

1/ 6/10 7:03pm

Hi Merely Me, My Depression and Anxiety are in equal proportions, sometimes though anxiety can be disabling as in cant go out. Like Paul I hate crowds but on a good day or with a nice person its OK. Im anxious about hurting folk too. Like CJnLV I dread saying what my hearts saying. Anxiety is a usleless emotion, Fear is obviously needed but that awful free flowing anxiety, precipitory anxiety is stomach churning,saps our energy and leads to depression. Ive tried to learn all the things now that make me anxious and to work on them.. Rushing. Being Late. Crowded Trains. So I make arrangements for this not to happen, ~Im always early !! Some of my anxiety is deeper and harder to work on. Thanks MM

Donna-1

1/ 6/10 9:33pm

I can't remember elementary school being too awful -- I was usually the teacher's pet because I would rather have died than to risk disapproval. And I was smart. They had short films in the auditorium every week and I got to play "Born Free" on the piano before each film. Now it is embarrassing that I always played the same song, but heck, it was my favorite!

I do remember anxiety over 2 things though. One was when someone else was better than I at a subject, any subject. I secretly competed with the other smart kid and tried to out-do him every time I got a chance. The other anxiety came about the third grade when I realized I didn't have any friends and didn't really fit in. That may have been when depression started. I also started cutting myself that year. My family also went to our lake house EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND from about age 7 through 13. At least it seemed like it was that often. I wanted to stay at home and do fun stuff. The lake house didn't have room for creativity and was always too hot or too cold. Even when my mom and sister stayed at home, my dad took me. All we ever did was fish. Once a month would have been too often, much less every weekend. I remember we even went Christmas Eve one time because our truck broke down on the way home and we had to hitchhike home. Now THAT was an adventure -- my little sister got really upset because Daddy had never taken HER hitchhiking!

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:30pm

I hear you...

I too suffer from the "too nice" trait and it has been very hard for me to do things like fire people or leave a job which was wrong for me because I thought it would hurt people. I am a lot more assertive now than I was as a young gal. But it is still hard.

It seems we all have some form of anxiety. I am finding it very interesting to read everyone's replies. Thank you so much for your comment.

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:37pm

Hey Rose!

I agree with you...my anxiety seems harder to deal with at times than my depression too. Fear is...an awful emotion...it really is. It sounds like you do well with handling it proactively with some planning.

Always glad to see you...I am so glad the site is working better!

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:42pm

Hey Donna

Mrs. Rosiac was the only teacher to give me trouble in grade school...my mother took me out of that school and then I had no more troubles and like you...I was usually teacher's pet and I loved school.

So you had a lake house? wow. I lived in the inner city as a kid so I didn't see trees let alone lakes and going fishing. That would have been an alien world to me. Did you like going fishing at all?

Thanks for sharing more about your life...it is fascinating to me...all the different stories.

Donna-1

1/ 7/10 9:30pm

I like fishing if it is a warm summer morning and I am in a small boat I can paddle around. And if someone else cleans the fish. I guess I liked fishing when I was a kid, too. It is only now that I look back and see that weeknights were for homework and weekends were for fishing. Maybe I would have had more of a chance to make friends if I had had Friday nights and Saturdays free. And we weren't allowed to get out Saturday evening because church was the next day. It was kind of a claustrophobic situation. And as a kid, I never dreamed I had a choice. My grandmother, whom I adored, lived a block away and I could have spent some of that time with her.

Our "lake house" was really a 2-room house -- one room with beds and the other room was a kitchen and for fishing. A big square of the floor in that room lifted out and you could fish from inside if it was cold outside or if you wanted to fish at night. The house was held by cables and was out about 60 ft from shore. You had to have a boat to get to it. We had one that was situated up in a small branch of the lake (called Frog Creek Branch) but you had to put your boat in a long way off. It was kind of nice there because it was peaceful. Once in a while we would take relatives and I would have a cousin to play with. My younger sister also went frequently, when my mother went.

Now, my sister goes fishing almost every weekend either alone or with her boyfriend. But now that she has a new grandbaby, her plans may change. I think she is trying to catch a husband rather than a fish.

anne1123

1/ 6/10 7:40pm

I have a similar experience. It was the first day of fourth grade and my new teacher's name was Mrs. True. She started the class by telling each student to come to the front of the class, write their name on the blackboard and then tell the class their name. As if getting up in front of a new class isn't bad enough. When I wrote my name Anne and pronounced it Ann she told me "No. Your name is Annie" I said no my name is Anne and we went back and forth a few times but she refused to call me Ann (silent e). This really hit me hard as there are few things as personal that you own like your name. I don't know if this was the source of my continuing identity crisis but it surely didn't help. It is really hard to realize how powerless you are as an adolescent.

Donna-1

1/ 6/10 9:39pm

Anne, that reminds me of one of my first college courses. It was Biology 101 and was held in a large auditorium. There were probably about 250 freshmen in the class. When the professor came to my name, he called me by my first name, Donna. I piped up and said, "I would rather be called Carolyn." He glared at me over his glasses and said, "I don't care what you want to be called. My assistant will be checking your seat number each class and that's how we will keep up with attendance." I was shocked to the core. Someone not caring what I wanted to be called? I was mortified, too. But I learned pretty quick to keep my mouth shut in all my classes after that.

anne1123

1/ 7/10 12:05pm

Ouch!!! Yes it really hits you at the core when someone takes liberties with your name. It is hard on our sense of self when someone does something like that. Thanks for your reply

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:45pm

Hey Anne!

Geez...what was wrong with this teacher to demand to call you something other than your name? Some people should have never become teachers.

Sorry you went through that.

Judy

1/ 6/10 8:04pm

When I think about it, I guess I've had some degree of anxiety all of my life. I just remember being criticized by my parents for doing things incorrectly, not coloring as well as the neighbor kid, saying things I shouldn't, etc., etc. Then in school, I was never working up to my potential or talking too much, not talking enough, whatever. I would have rather died than purposely disappoint somebody, but I ended up feeling like I was a disappointment just by existing. It's been very hard to get rid of that, still haven't completely. There's always that voice inside saying, "Who the hell do you think you are???" Even knowing it's somebody else's doesn't help.

Well, guess I'll go look over at the Anxiety site and see what's new!

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:47pm

Hey Judy

I think this is a definite theme for some of us...we don't want to dissapoint. It is hard to live up to those impossible expectations. In answer to your question...you should answer yourself by saying, "I am Judy and I am magnificent!" Because you truly are.

Thanks so much for being such a positive presence here.

LyraStorm

1/ 6/10 9:43pm

Whenever I consider my own anxiety one memory seems to spring to the fore of my mind (pushing all those many other ones to the background for just a moment):

At one of the high schools I went to, in Australia, most of our classes were on the second floor of the buildings - there were supposed to be classes down the bottom as well but the place was old and most of those rooms unusable. Anyway we had to go up stairs that started going up one way then turned and went up the opposite way in order to get to the second floor balcony. Kids would stand on that second floor balcony over the first part of the stairs you had to ascend and wait. They would wait until they saw me come up and then spit on me.

I was a goody to-shoes and had to get to class on time. I also have an unfortunate habit of having a one-track mind. Once I start a task it is very hard for me to shift and change. So instead of trying to go to the other staircase on the opposite side of the building (which to be fair probably wouldn't have worked cause those kids would have just run to that other side to spit on me there instead) I would work myself up into a fluster afraid to go up because I didn't want to be spat on but also afraid of being late to my class cause I'm a goody too-shoes.

In hindsight that was probably why I was their main target - at first they just wanted to hit anyone but seeing me get worked up it was much more funny to go for me.

I ended up redfaced and teary, rocking backwards and forwards, other kids banging past me to go up the stairs to their own classes laughing at me. In the end I would work up the courage to run up the stairs and hope that somehow I would dodge the spit. Sometimes I got through it. Other times I didn't (have you ever had spit in your hair? Not very pleasant let me tell you). Then of course when you get up the stairs you have to deal with those kids who jostle and push against you and block your path so you get all the more anxious as you are trying to get to the relevant classroom...

Oh aren't kids sweet???

I think some of us can naturally be a bit more anxious than other people but then others pick up on that fact and exploit it giving us lots of reasons to actually be anxious which makes us worse... life sux and all of that...

Still I have managed to work on my stress and anxiety and I think I'm a bit better at it now... having said that I've lived a pretty reclusive life the last few years so when I step back out in the real world I might just find I haven't learnt to cope but have merely learnt to hide very well... I hope it's the former though.

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:54pm

Oh my dear Lyra!

THAT IS HORRIBLE!

what torture for you to endure that at school...how did you cope? I too was picked on so I tried my best to be invisible. I am so sorry you had to go through that...did the teachers do anything about this?

Big hugs. ((((Lyra))))

LyraStorm

1/ 7/10 10:20pm

Thanks for the hug Merely Me. I'm okay now - in fact it's just one story of many. It sometimes shocks me when people react like you did, horrified by what they hear, cause I just guess I figured I was over-reacting and that I made myself the victim (they only picked on me specifically when they saw me reacting in a far more interesting way than anyone else)... I don't know..

No the teachers didn't do anything. They didn't know. Well they knew about some stuff... but if they punished anyone that made it worse cause now that kid wanted revenge on me.

I can remember one incident where a teacher made me and a group of girls stay back after class to get to the bottom of an incident. The girls had all ganged up on me and been horrible to me right under the teacher's nose - they didn't care that he saw. When the teacher got us all sitting down and talking about it, thinking that would solve the problem, the girls all ganged up on me in a format where I couldn't argue back - they spoke of all the things I had done in retaliation (I was a teenager so I reacted and tried to get them back with things) and backed each other up and then denied doing any of the things I said that they did. It was worse in a way - I had no escape, had to be quiet when they were telling their stories, just sit there and be attacked... horrible!!! All alone as usual but now stuck being watched by this adult observer!!!

Izzy

1/ 6/10 10:46pm

Anxiety and I have been at odds for some time now, mainly because I know I should be able to rationally work through situations, senarios, and yet it loves to rear its ugly head and make me panic. It's not a regular panic, its like everything is going way to fast, heart racing, head spinning, breath staggering, I swear I'm dying panic!

I want nothing more than to curl up in a tight ball and refuse to come out until either the world rights itself or my body exhausts itself to the point I pass out.

The passing out is not something I am a fan of by any means, and it does happen quite often with these situations. In many ways anxiety for me is worse than depression could be, mainly because I can calculate the trigger for whats going to send me into a depressed state, but at times my anxiety comes well out of no where and knocks me back and hard. It really can impact my life in all aspects: social, physical, mental, emotional and depending on the setting can prove not only detrimental but down right embarassing. I hate having anxiety and I'd do anything for it to go away, but so far it seems to be the demon that joined depression for the long haul.

Izzy

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 4:58pm

Hi Izzy

I had no idea that you suffered so. I hear you...anxiety sometimes seems worse for me than even the depression. There is nothing worse than a true panic attack. You honestly feel like you are going to die.

Have you tried any medications for your anxiety? Has anything worked?

I am glad you are here and talking about this. I want to hear more.

Izzy

1/ 7/10 6:38pm

Hi Merely Me

I was on medication for anxiety/depression quite a while ago, it seemed to have a ton of side effects and not a lot of good if that makes sense. Since then I've been pretty much on my own really, getting to see the doctor here is almost impossible these days and any clinic I've been to seems to talk down to me and make me feel really inferior.

Izzy

Marishka

1/ 7/10 12:39am

Hi all,

yeah, I can relate....I have lots of anxiety right now...I like the quotes about anxiety----always about the future...yeah, that's true isn't it....if we are in the here and now like cats, we don't have any anxiety...

about your story, that teacher is pretty ignorant about child development I would say or ignorant about herself or self esteem building communication or something! the sky was grey here today :) how invalidating for a child....what a way to snuff out creativity and inner confidence of a child...well, she probably did not know any better.

I have anxiety about decisions...not sure what is best and it brings me anxiety to have to make them and learn by doing...but I know somewhere that it is all ok since we are just doing the best we can at any time...

I am trying Kava to calm anxiety for now...don't see much difference like ativan makes but I will keep looking for a natural alternative...walking and running do help me a lot, exercising.

forgot the topic questions! oh well, topic is anxiety and I relate and am trying to learn more different natural ways to cope with it.

cheers,

Marishka

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 5:02pm

Hi Marishka

I have never tried the Kava. There are quite a few things out there to calm you...just always read the precautions. The best thing for me is to get a good night's sleep and that is where my melatonin really helps. If I don't sleep well...I am much more prone to feeling anxious the next day.

My memory is not good either...so I can totally relate!

Thanks for your comment!

ForToday

1/ 7/10 9:34am

I always thought that my anxiety was some innate flaw in me that I had to fight through to accomplish anything. Particularly anything related to other people is difficult for me......meeting people, forming relationships, anything like that. And yet in my natural desire for isolation I am my own worst enemy.

2009 was such an anxiety-mill with everything going on. It was difficult for me to think that, after working all of my life, I might not have enough resources to pay for my kids' college educations (as my parents had done for me). I felt like I had failed my family and I was certainly a failure as a person.

For me, I believe that my anxiety crosses the line into depression when a) I retreat into my "I Don't Care Chair" (since everyone is out to get me anyway), or b) I simply stop trying because everything seems so hopeless and pointless. I have been stuck in both, which are terrible places where it is difficult even to move.

I have begun to realize that I have to give some of this up......physlically off-load it, give it away, whatever. I can't be perfect. Even some measure of progress would be ok. And it just has to be today.

There was one other quote that I ran across recently. I don't know who came up it but I think it is apropos:

"Yesterday is history, tomorow's a mystery, today is a gift and that is why they call it the present."

A little hokey, but effective. Thanks for the topic.

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 5:08pm

Hey there

You know...you are absolutely right...you cannot be perfect. And with the economy...I am sure everyone is having a hard time paying for things like college for their kids...and also putting food on the table. You cannot be responsible for everything. There are always other options...I didn't have any money for college so I took out loans and I worked jobs. It can be done!

So please don't beat yourself up.

I like that..."I don't care chair." I have sat there too many times. But I think underneath it all you do care...and that is why you are reaching out.

It is a new year...clean the slate...begin again. There IS hope.

I am glad you found this site. I hope it helps some.

stardust

1/ 7/10 6:14pm

As I read through each post, I just felt terrible about people's challenges with anxiety (and depression). For me, anxiety was debilitating a lot of the time. I was the youngest of five children and had a discipinarly, angry father. I remember an incident at about three yrs old where one of my siblings moved the apple basket, and he got so angry. I headed for under the kitchen table hiding behind the table cloth up against the wall. No one would fess up (who would??) so dad had each one walk back and forth two rooms with the basket to "teach a lesson." He didn't find me.

I'll fast forward to my first year in college. The anxiety and depression were awful. I lived on campus, but there was a decent walk up the road to the center of classrooms. The walk was a daily nightmare. I was alone, and as I walked I could barely put one leg or foot ahead of the other because I was overwhelmed with anxiety. Like I was frozen in space from it. But when I got up to the main campus my whole presence changed and I smiled and was so friendly to my friends. What a mess!

One weekend (of many) I went home and to do so, I had to take a bus to inner city then walk up this creepy block to the train station. I felt the terrible anxiety. Then I went downstairs to the concourse, sat down and went into a full blown panic attack. I ran to outside but there were crowds of people there too so I finally just hid in a doorway until I could settle down some. It took me the hour's train ride home to stop trembling and get under control. The train stopped at my stop and my mom and sister were waiting. So what did I do? I got off the train smiling as if everything was just fine. I was the daughter of great expectaions! Again, what a mess! I had a nervous breakdown three years later.

MM, thanks for your honest story about your teacher. Many things just aren't fair.

Gina

Merely Me

1/ 7/10 7:18pm

Hi Gina!

I had no idea you have suffered so much with anxiety. Your stories show that you have hid your anxiety well. Did anyone know?

I am so sorry you had to go through all those fearful times. It is good we are talking about our experiences...we haven't talked about this topic much before. I am truly understanding that I am not alone in dealing with anxiety.

You have a great evening...I am so glad you came by to share. I am always happy to see you.

stardust

1/ 7/10 8:33pm

Ya know, MM, they never knew about the anxiety until I fell apart. But my father commented when I changed schools that I was depressed at my first school, huh? My sister developed schizophrenia a couple years before I went off to college, so there wasn't a whole lot of attention left over, I guess, for my emotional needs.

What's most important is not to hide these kind of emotions from yourself. Took some years, but I've learned that it's ok to have your problems, as painful as they can get sometimes. That would be my advice to anyone who took the path I did - having said that, hindsight is 20/20.

amansharma

3/ 9/10 4:28pm

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Anxiety and Depression: My Own Story

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