I cannot leave my Mom & Dad. I divorced and moved in with them 8 years ago. I then had a fiance for 6 years who lived in Canada and I had made plans to move there. He tragically committed suicide last May. I would cry because I want so much to have a love in my life but then I know my purpose now is to be with Mom & Dad. Dad has prostate cancer and Mom has a touch of dementia. But, I look at it as "pay it forward". I owe them so much for their support. We will live happily ever after. 
This sounds so stupid to me now, but one day last week, I let our dogs outside on a bitterly cold day and we have a foot of snow in the yard. One of them, Chloe, is blind and for some reason could not find her way to the deck steps to come up to the door, despite my calling her repeatedly - it was almost like she was deaf, too. I was leaving to go somewhere and getting impatient, so I put on boots and no coat and went out to grab her by the collar and lead her back to the house. Well, she balked, slipped out of her collar, so then I tried to pick her up (she weighs almost 50 lbs.) and that made me sink through the crusty snow and fall down on all fours. I fell another couple of times, then sent the other dog back out to get her and she STILL just kept walking back and forth. Then I started to worry that I'd never get her in the house and she'd freeze to death because Shar Peis can't take extreme temperatures, so I started crying out of frustration, fear, sadness and anger. I paced around inside the house and FINALLY, she came hopping up the steps, to my great relief.
I hardly ever lose it like that, but I felt so badly for Chloe, thinking how confused she must have been when she kept bumping into bushes and fencing and still couldn't figure out where she was. We will probably have to have her eyes removed because they are so enlarged from glaucoma and I'll probably cry, then, too!
Oh no...you poor thing! I would definitely be crying too. I am so glad she made it back in. Sweet doggy. It is hard when pets get older. I have a cat who is almost fifteen. I think she is the oldest cat I have had. But she is spritely and doing just fine right now. Not sure how long cats are supposed to live but I hope she breaks a record.
The last time I really cried was two days ago... though I may end up crying tonight, too, considering todays events. Two days ago I completely fell apart, rolled into the feotal position on the floor, finding it hard to breathe, red faced, tears soaking me and the floor... it was a full on bad crying fit. Why? Because I was afraid. Still am. I feel so overwhelmed by what I am doing at the moment and I keep trying to pretend I'm fine to everyone but... but... but...
If I do cry tonight it'll be those feelings of failure, even though I've rationally dismissed them there is still that part of me that insists I stuffed up... Huh. I cried two days ago afraid of failure. I feel like crying today cause I feel I at least failed in one part of the course/my acting... maybe I was right to be afraid...
Still despite how awful I feel in some ways I can kind of dismiss it all, or at least not fall into total despair, cause another part of me says: look what you are doing. Look what you are at least trying to achieve. Look at what you've already done (auditioning for the course, starting the course, going to the hen's night, going to the pre-wedding party the evening of the first full day of my acting course, continuing going to the acting classes despite feeling like I'm unable to break through barriers...). I feel overwhelmed by what is to come, especially knowing how hard what I've already achieved was, and I'm so tired which makes me feel its more likely that my fears of totally screwing up will come about, but at the same time I have done stuff I feared I wouldn't have managed and I'm still here, still fighting...
Hoping I won't cry tonight. Maybe that can be my newest accomplishment... fingers crossed.
Hey Lyra!
I need to catch up...I know you wrote a post...I need to read it next.
Fear of failure...oh I can relate. But you know what? Once you have done it once...twice...many times...you become less afraid. It is never the end of the world you think it may be.
But hey...I don't see any failure anywhere in what you write about. You have a huge list there of accomplishments that nobody can take away! You are doing more than trying girl! You are doing!
And crying? If it feels right...let it out. Maybe accept that sometimes you are just going to cry. At 45 I have accepted...yep...I cry. I am sensitive and...water leaks from my eyes. and it is okay.
Okay...I am going to read what else you have written but seriously...you have much to be proud about. I am really glad to see your list.
Hi M/M:
I cry at movies ALL the time, but that's beside the point......
The last time I really cried was a few months ago, within the walls of a small room adjoining a church. As part of my recovery program from alcohol addiction I agreed to do a "5th Step" meeting, which essentially is my admission before God and another person my defects of character. Now since I am Catholic I viewed this as similar to a confession, which I had done several times before and was no big deal. However, prior to the meeting, my sponsor advised me to view this as a special event and to admit to all failings of character, even those that I believed I would "take to the grave" with me.
The meeting, in keeping with local convention, was held at a monastery on a high bluff overlooking the city where I live. My confidant was a kindly old priest, and he began with a short prayer and then invited me to talk. I began and discussed the easier things first, the things that I had planned to say to him.
But in the midst of my talking, I remembered my sponsor's words and I went deeper, talking about things that I had not intended to discuss that day. These were dark revelations and painful memories, and they were very difficult to give voice to as this darkness had not seen the light of day (or scrutiny) in a long time. Before long the tears welled up in me as I disgorged all of this blackness and lifted it up for examination, the whole, nasty, gooey mess of it.
By the time I was finished, darkness had fallen on the city and I stood outside at an iron railing near the church, looking at the city lights. I was physically and emotionally drained but I also felt infinitely lighter and just a little bit clearer of mind. That act of expression, of naming it, or whatever, brought me down but lifted me up at the same time. The impact remains something of a mystery to me, and perhaps it is best that it remain so.
David
Okay...I am crying now.
I am visualizing this and feeling it but I know I cannot possibly understand what that moment was like for you. Maybe it is true that one must be broken before...you can be saved? Is there truth in this?
Maybe you are right that...some things are a mystery and we are better for it.
I see so much hope and beauty in your story. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Last time I cried was about three weeks ago. I was driving my car around a curve and saw all this dirt covering the road. At first I was annoyed. Then I looked to my right and an old car had rolled down an embankment. There were two little girls and the driver (I assume was their dad). The dad was pretty well injured; I could only see his leg moving back and forth. Oh, but the little girls - they were crying and hollering out "Mama Mama" over and over again. I really wanted to go down the embankment and try to soothe the little girls with my voice until help arrived, but could not because of all my neck and back problems. There were a lot of other cars stopping - we all had our cell phones out. When help came, I went on home and began praying and crying and praying and crying as I was driving the couple miles. Ed was asleep, but just then my brother called, and I was able to tell him what I saw and kept crying. He was very compassionate until I settled down. I've often wondered what happened to them.
Gina
The last time i cried was just a few days ago. That was because i felt sorry for the person i used to be friends with. I never knew why i felt sorry, then it maid me relize what i did. ever since we stopped being friends it felt as if everything was starting to fall apart. Every night i was in tears, for all those years. Finally things are starting to come toghter again, thats when i asked this girl to marry me. She said yes,so within
3-5 years we are getting married.
Tommy P.
p.s. i never knew that love would hurt so bad.
Was about an hour ago. Before that was before I fell asleep last night. It's an every day occurence for me. I'm hoping the effexor I started on Monday will end the crying and constant suicidal thoughts.
I'm sorry...yeah...crying can be an on-going symptom of depression. Give your medication some time. Usually it takes some weeks before an antidepressant will kick in. I know it must be so hard to wait for it to take effect.
I am glad you are here...please feel free to share your experiences on the site. There are so many people here who also suffer from depression so do know that you are not alone in this.
I was also told (not by a therapist) that I should keep a journal. I started that yesterday, a particularly difficult day. I know many people have good experiences with therapists, but I never have. I avoided going back on antidepressants for several years. I thought I could do all the 'other' things to combat my depression. Eat better, exercise, find a hobby, all those things it seems 'happy' people tell you to do instead of taking 'chemicals'. None of it helped. People can tell me I can count on them till thier blue in the face. Truth is I'm in this alone. I am the only one who will pay my bills and keep food on the table and a roof over my head. So I drag myself through each day hoping it will be the last and hating myself for feeling that way. I up the value of my life insurance policy, I sort through things in my house to make it easier for people to deal with when I am gone. It was after I started hitting and punching myself in the face too often, losing 12 lbs in a month, and not cleaning or taking out the garbage for weeks that I opened the bottle of effexor I filled in November of 2008 (Dr. said it's fine) and began taking it. I may not want to live, but I absolutely can't live like I am and if there is anything that will make it easier to cope, I have to do it. Another way I rationalized it to myself is if I had cancer or lupus or some other chronic illness, I wouldnt hesitate to take the medicine perscribed to control it or make it go away. There are too many people who dont suffer as depressed people do, who truly believe it's 'all in our heads'. Yes, it is in our heads, but not the way they think it is. They don't drift off in thier minds thinking only about thier suicide plan, or sit down to eat thier dinner and cant becuase they start crying and sobbing hysterically. I know people mean well, but so many simply just do not understand.
The other night my husband fell asleep in the den while I was doing dishes. When I finished I got myself a cup of ice cream which made me cold so I grabbed the blanket that I keep in there for when I want to snuggle with my dascshund furbabies and fell asleep too. He woke up and berated me because he was cold and had no blanket and said he guessed that I was going to leave him there all night freezing in the den. It did not matter to him that he had woke several times and even changed the tv channel but fell back asleep in the chair, it was my fault.
My husband berates me also, but the kids do their share of it to. I haven't cried in awhile, even though I fell the need to do it today and right now. We went to our church dinner last night and my husband and I argued in church. So I walked away and went into the resroom and cried. Left after that and came home, he didn't speak 1 word to me for the rest of the night. Oh well, crap happens. Getting tired of this marriage and want out, so all I do is cry.
How long have you been married? We are going on 35 years. I feel that I have too much invested to give up now. My friends and dachshund fur-babies are a great support system. I have recently joined facebook and hooked up with other dachshund lovers and just seeing their antics have cheered me greatly. Sometimes I realize that there are others whose troubles make mine insignificant so I feel life balances out. I still wonder when will it be my turn to be happy. Sometimes doing for others and getting involved even if it only by computer helps a gret deal.
We are going on 17 years of marriage. Although the things he's done and doing, feels like longer. I too have joined facebook because all my high school buddies are on it and I do the farm games to occupy my free time.
I have a JRT that keeps me company and a 4 year old thats home all day with me and makes me laugh alot. But just having that, still doens't help with the way my husband treats me and I do cry about it, only to put a front on when people I know ask about how I'm doing. What makes me cry the most is everynight that he comes home from work, he will NEVER say hi to me and ask how my day was, so I start the conversation and ask him, and he keeps going and going and going to the point of me getting bored just listening to him about cars all day long!! I still feel as if I want to give up. I'm just plain tired of it.
Mine did and still does the same thing. He is retired and stays home all day and all I have to greet me are the furbabies. No lights on except the bedroom where he stays. I know he too is suffering from depression and have come to the conclusion that only he can help himself. I am too tired. I love him but at times you just want to bite their head off. He does absolutely nothing to help aroiund the house. To him if he has to heat his breakfast, which I make for him before I leave work, he calls it cooking and 30 seconds is too long to stand in front of the microwave. What if they had to stand hours over a hot stove? I recently found an article about men and depression. If you can link into this site:
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/4446/102015/men-depression
read it and see if you see your husband. Then print it out for him to read. Just leave it laying where he will pick it up and read it.
I am hoping that my husband will see himself doing what the author describes and it will have a positive affect on him. Good luck from someone determined to keep my vow until death do us part but after that there will be no men in my life except son, grandsons and brothers. All others will be just friends. I will be sole master of my happiness. I will go WHERE I want to go, WHEN I want to go and DO what I want to do.
Thank you for the section to read, I'll do that. I agree all the way with you on your last part, no more men, except sons (I have 2), brothers (I have 1 )and grandsons, which I don't have any yet. I have a great cousin, and he helps when he can, but does have his own family. My husband doesn't do anything for me on the weekend when he could. His crap is still in the house that could be in the shed and he has computers that don't work anymore all over the place including the bedroom. But when I rearranged my bedroom last week, I thought I'd better put all that crap in a tote and he can go through it not me. He won't help in disciplining the kids, he sits at the kitchen table and watches me do it, or yell at them if they don't move the first time. My JRT greets me every morning and plays all day long until she gets tired. But I'm not so sure it's depression because he is at work alot of hours in the day, probably 12 and then almost falls asleep while taking to me or eating dinner. But like I said, he will be the last guy in my life, cuz I want to DO what I want when I want, and not have him mad at me everytime I try to do anything. Thats why I stay home and look at 4 walls everyday, I don't go anywhere. He's really not in the best of health, emphysema and heart disease and can't breath very well in this winter weather. But I feel as if he's taking his sickness out on the kids and I and I can't handle it anymore. So maybe it's really time to give up on the marriage. I always said I would stick to my marriage til death do we part, but not like this, not anymore, it's getting me all stressed out more than I already am.
Men are such babies. Mine had to retire from complications from diabetes and now it just gets worse becaues he cant/won't exercise, quit smoking and other stuff that's bad for him. Look me up on Facebook bg1215 would love to get an email address or if you know of some other forum where we could communicate where it is not spread for the whole world to read. You need to get out of that house. You are right he probably yells because you can do things he can't and takes all his anger and frustration out on you. Look for a Mother's day out where someone you trust can keep your kiddo. Treat yourself once in awhile. It does not have to be extravagant. A cup of coffee in the park or go people watching. You don't have to spend money to make yourself feel good. I have even just changed my hair color just to feel different because I looked different. I too rush home and i get the phone calls, Where are you? What are you doing? When will you be home. I have to work to provide health insurance and it is my work that is saving my sanity.
A few years ago he tried to connect with an old girl friend from college and I was devestated. He would call her at all hours leaving her messages even to the point that he would have me leave on a made up errand so he could talk to her. Well, she saw through his narcissitic attitude and had enough. She and I are the best of friends. We email each other every day. He does not know this and we both hope that he never will. Our friendship is our business. He would find some way break it up and we don't want to. So go find an email buddy, someone yuou can open up to, a shoulder to lean on while you keep your marriage together. One day God will look at you and say that you tried, your truly tried.
Great advice, I will go for coffee and get my oldest daughter to watch her brother for a few while I try to get my sanity back! It's winter here in Michigan right now, so maybe the mall is the place for people watching, and in the summer, I'll go walk around the park. I can't believe your husband actually looked up an old friend, I have wondered about my husband also. He'll leave here in the morning smelling of gasoline, and come home from work smelling of cologne. It makes me wonder what's up. I'll look you up on Facebook, and I'll chat with u there or I can send my address to you (e-mail). You're sounding like a person that really knows whats going on.
I have always hoped God would see what I'm doing here on earth and that I'm trying with this marriage, cuz my husband seems to want to act like he's not married. Every friend I have had, he chases away cuz it doesn't involve him if we go away for a while. To bad I say, I need me time, he gets it every day that he works, I don't. I see the walls closing in on me and it just gets worse in the winter months. Thank you for talking and responding to these, it makes me feel like I'm not alone. Have a great day or evening, wherever you are!!
Had a moment here. It is almost 9 and hubby asleep and I am supposed to be doing dishes. I am in Texas and it is cold and rainy here. You don't have to go away even overnight. Just do something for yourself on a daily basis. When your kiddo is down for a nap take a hot tea break. Give your self a facial or read a little. Like yours mine would never let me go away without him. He used to travel for his job but now that he is retired we hardly ever go anywhere, But that;s ok cause when we do I am alway having to wait on him the same as at home so where is the vacation in that? If I read he doesn't approve of my choice of book. I like romance novels. The ones set in medeival times. A true romantic, knights on white horses and such.
Anyway lets connect somehow so we can chat. Are you on yahoo instant messenger? I usually have more computer time at work because at home he wants to know everything and we girls have to have some innocent secrets. God has led us to "meet" for a reason. Trust in him and all will be ok
Last thing that made me cry? I called my ex-boyfriend (as of Sunday) to tell him how I still could not sleep and it's been a month now. As he tried to console me, I cried in frustration and anger that my doctor's/counselor haven't been able to help me.
I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. I think a lot of people here can relate to your anger, frustration, and sadness about trying to deal with an episode of depression which is unrelenting.
How long have you been coping with depression in your life?
Thanks so much for reaching out here and sharing.
By the way, yesterday I told my students we needed to "hunker down" and work. I got a lot of giggles for using that expression...but, yes, I don't know whether I'm coming or going. Hope the Lamictal kicks in soon.
Hi,
Am sorry about your loss and pain. Losing someone you love or care for so much is really tough, particularly when you are already battling depression.
I don't hear lamictal mentioned very often on this site, but it has been a terrrific help to us. Both my husband and I take it with an anti-depressant added on. The lamictal has been great for mood and is said to be also good for bi-polar. My husband used to be very condescending to me and at times huge outbursts of anger. When he went on lamictal, all that changed - like a new life for both of us because I would go into deep depression and not be able to find my way out for a while. The lamictal gives me what I call a "ledge", so I don't fall off any cliffs. I tell you this for optimism, but let me remind you, we both take an added antidepressant. We both have tough health conditions, so that's probably why. Good luck. Gina
What you wrote about the autistic students? It brings me to a regret that I have had for a long time. I was a third grade teacher. I had a student going thru some really bad stuff. He was going to a hearing on Sat. to learn about possible Foster Care. He was really scared that Friday. I told him it would be alright and that I would be there Monday to hear all about it.
On Saturday I forgot all about that scared little boy. I od'd on pills and ended up in a psych ward. When I finally returned to my classroom about a month or so later he was no longer in my room. I never asked. I was scared. To this day I know I was a person who told him he could count on me. And he learned that he couldn't. That I lied. I always wonder what happened to him. I don't remember his name. I just know that there is this hole in me. I taught in a depressed, poverty stricken area of WV. The county is usually 53 or so out of 55. Very sad. I tried so hard to help them all. But this is the ONE boy that I KNOW FOR A FACT that I let down. I can't get rid of it. It is not the thing that made me cry last but it does make me cry.
I am sorry that this happened but...you didn't lie...you wanted to be there...you just could not. I hope you can let go of the guilt about that. I experienced something similar when a student of mine was going through a hard time at home...parents were getting divorced and...he had high functioning autism but couldn't understand what was happening to his home life. He ended up having to be hospitalized as he had a mental breakdown and...I promised him I would be there for him. But I was pregnant and...had my baby and...so he could not depend on me after all.
It is hard...you want to be so many things to people but things happen.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope it was healing to get it out.
It did help some. The problem is this happened in about 1995. That was about the first time I was ever hospitalized. I don't remember the exact year. I have been in 5 different times. It felt good to tell people who would understand. But I am not great at forgiving myself for anything. I don't know how. Any hints??
grammyat50
I cried just yesterday when I heard the song 'sunrise, sunset'. One daughter would have been 29, my other daughter, the bright spot in my life, will be 28 soon, my husband passed away 7 years ago and the song just brought back a flood of memories. It probably wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't just broke off a relationship and found out the person I considered my best friend turned out not to be. My heart is wounded and bleeding and longing for the wonderful life I once had.
I cry everydAY i HAD A NEW surg for a back problem its called the x- stop to help with spinal stonious a very painful thing the spine narrows and chokes off the nerves the x- stop is put in between the vertbra to keep it open WELL I'T NOT WORKONG ANY MORE AND THE PAIN AND NUMBNESS IS BACK i HAVE HAD RELIEF FOR ABOUT 6 MONTHS AND MY INSURANCE HAVEN'T EVEN PAYED THAT SURG, SO i WILL NEED ANOTHER SURG THIS TIME I'LL HAVE TO HAVE ALOT OF REHAB i TOO DEAL WITH BAD DEPRESSION. HAVE GAINED WEIGHT AND i HATE MY SELF ,SO AFRAID OF BEING A BURDON TO MY FAMILY......i KNOW i'M NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PROBLEMS BUT i WAKE UP EVERYDAY WITH FEAR..........
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Hi M/M,
This has been an emotional week for me, but just now reading your response about Autism made my eyes 'well up'.
For my own experience, once I was gently lowered from that 40' wire into the arms of my support team (last posting), I just collapsed & sobbed inconsolably. Why? Because I realized that I had conquered my worst fears (except snakes!
) and that those fears & the shame associated with them were all behind me. All of my emotions just poured out; I shook uncontrollably , then I just had to sit to gather my thoughts.
Carl
Wow! Now...is this a ropes course? I have heard about this but I could never do it. They have them on the ground too. I bet it was super emotional to do this...I think I would be crying while up there though!
Good for you...you have tons of courage! Bravo!