VERY well-written, M/M, esp the "10 sign" link (50+ responses...you're good!!)!
One item of note on this topic; not all abuse is directed toward women. I've known some men who have experienced such abuse; myself to a much lesser degree thankfully.
Funny; as I re-read this article a thought occurs to me. Just as there are some people out there who have no business having children, do you believe there are people out there who have no business being in a long-term relationship VS occasional social interaction?
Me? I date, 'sort' etc; hoping to find "the one", yet all the while wondering "do I really belong in a lifelong relationship?".
I'll bet this would be a source of lively conversation.
Again, GREAT article!
Carl
Hi Carl -- you are so right. My question is exactly that: do I belong in a long-term relationship? Lately, I have just been telling people that I'm through with men because I am old and set in my ways. I like living alone and doing things the way I am accustomed to doing them. And that I no longer want to compromise becauseIi have become stronger in my opinions and my self-confidence.
In reality, I am just afraid of being "sucked under" again by a Controller or Emotional Abuser and I can't risk that happening. Because of having the strength and courage to discuss my feelings, I just become depressed and give up. I know I am stronger now than I used to be, but am I strong enough to be a real Partner in a relationship, not just a submissive wife or girlfriend?
Sometimes it seems it is just too hard to try. I feel that if I can finally be happy being single, maybe I should leave well-enough alone.
Donna
Hi Donna,
It sounds as though you're in a vicious cycle...don't give up. I truly believe that there is one person out there who will put the beat back in our heart, will turn our heart & our world upsdie down, etc...that *spark*. "Set in our ways"? Who isn't? It's all part of the bargain; things change when/IF the time is right.
I'm not giving up/in yet. Have faith.
We get back what "we put out there" in the Universe!
Carl
Good article, Merely Me - you hit on so many things one has to take into consideration. Some years ago, while my husband was unemployed for a year and a half, I was on the verge of leaving. While dealing with my own depression, he had become immobilized with his, barely doing anything to find a job; I was the one taking care of the finances but I didn't want to bring it up for fear of making him feel worse or angry at me, so I had a ton of anxiety going on at the same time. Luckily, he finally got a job and the problem resolved itself, but we probably could have saved ourselves a lot of grief if we could have talked honestly about what was going on. He wouldn't admit he was depressed, so I couldn't convince him to get some help, although we were seeing a couples therapist. Even that didn't help get it out in the open.
Like you said, so much depends on what you have at stake - a 25-year marriage or a 3-month dating relationship, there's a big difference. And I was also just thinking that if you're dating someone and your partner gets depressed and tries to push you out, you should understand that it could happen again down the road and if your partner won't get help, this is what you will be living with for a good long time, possibly. Are you strong enough for it?
Again, I think this was a good bit of information and helpful in putting things into perspective, which is hard to have when you're in the midst of it.
Thank you for writing this. I have been amazed at how common this is, even though each circumstance is different. It's a difficult and confusing thing, one minute you see a future with someone, then the next, it's gone. In my situation I know its not me, I have been nothing but awesome. But the support and pressure of a relationship is definitely too much too handle. I am just doing what I feel in my gut and moving on just doesn't work for me right now. There is a lot of pain of being pushed away, then I will say the right thing to be pulled in again in the smallest way, only to be pushed away again. I am giving it time, and patience and preserverence. Who knows where it will get me, but right now I believe I am doing right by sticking with this. He is such a sweet guy and is the type to feel guilt, even though he shouldn't. But he is constantly so down on himself with low self esteem I know he is suspicious of why someone like me would do this for someone like him. Starting over seems to be his way of coping. I have no answers, if there are any, but I would love to hear from anyone who suffers from this or who is going through this. I've gotten alot of insight and without this support I would have never gotten this far. If anything, I am showing my guy that he is worthy of love and is special.
Hi Wrecked,
I was in the same boat, having lost a couple of relationships because I felt I wasn't "good enough", had little/nothing to bring to the table & generally suspicious of why anybody saw that much good in me when I would never believe it.
As time went on, I came to realize I was indeed worthy of praise, affections etc. I can't really explain why I felt the way I did; perhaps false modesty, ingrained insecurities from a young age? Part of it may have been fear of intimacy, fear of 'digging deep' & finding some deep, dark secret that really wasn't all that bad.
All I know was that these ladies could compliment me until they were blue in the mouth, however until I truly believed I was worthy & worth it, I would somehow sabotage the relationship OR they would simply tire of it all, give up & move on.
Anyway, about the only way your friend will 'snap out of this' is on his own terms, in his own time. Hopefully he won't have lost you in the process.
Carl
I am so glad you shared that, because I can see that in my guy. I know looking at it from his point of view, my intense interest in him makes no sense. He seems aimless, just trying to fight this depression and live normal, he's shy and not a chick magnet. Where I seem to be together, sweet compassionate, own my home, have a job I love, and could get any guy I want. But what he fails to understand, I know what depression feels like, shyness, low self esteem. And there was an immediate connection and knowingness. He recognized me as special and I know as time went on I became more special. But now it is only pressure and confusion. He will never lose me but I know it is going to take a very long time for him to realize his self worth.
I appreciate your post. I have been with a lady for 4 plus years. 1 year ago she and her daughter moved in with me. Before that, everything was fun and spontaneous. Since that time and because of financial hardship, she has been in depression. I supply all of the finances of the family. I do the cooking and dishes after an 11 hour day. She has gotten into alcohol and only sits on the couch all day catnapping day and night. Her background as a child was emotional and sexual abuse and i feel that it is still effecting her. There is almost no intimacy now and het mood is always melancholy.
I have made a decision to keep giving financially, emotionally and physically to help her pull through. It is lonely to do so, but if you truly love someone, sometimes it takes sacrifice to help the other, but only if they are willing to help themselves. She is taking steps now to stop drinking and trying to pull herself up.
I am th eone who has been dealing with depression for almost 2 years but could never admit it or get the help I needed. Untill now. It all started 2 years ago when my ex-wife and I decided to get a divorce because she was tired of our life style and started to cheat. I was ok without having her in my life but really missed the family life. She put me through hell, trying to get me in trouble with the law but was never completely successful. It took a huge toll on me and I grew a fear of being by myself. Living on my own and raising my 2 daughters in a 50/50 custody, I had to get used to living alone. After I finally figured it out, I met someone. Because I was losing my house, after 4 months of dating, my daughters and I moved in with her and her son. It was great for me because we all got along fine but, my girlfriend felt overwhelmed and taken advantage of. I would always get on her case about the lack of compassion she had for us and told her that she was always wrong or not doing enough. I couldn't see that I was taking advantage of her and that I was letting her handle all of my responsibilities because of my depression. After a year of living together, she felt so upset, she told me we should break up. I was hurt by this and couldn't understand why. After talking to my family and friends, it all clicked. I GOT IT. I can't believe I was so weak and letting my girlfriend, whom did so much for me, do everything and have to give up her free time to stay with me because I was afraid to be alone. I made her so unhappy.
Now that she has come to this decision, I finally feel like I can get the help I need and get back to the confident person I used to be. I know it will take some time and I am seeking professional help, but because I recognized it and put a plan together, I feel better already. I have a long way to go and my girlfriend, or x-girfriend is being a great friend now. She is letting us stay with her untill I can find my own place and is still helping out. I am staying with friends and family when my daughters aren't staying with us, even though I don't want to. I think I have to keep my distance because all I want to do is be with her. I need to learn how to be happy with myself inorder to be able to make someone else happy. I hope that I can get better soon and maybe save our relationship, but she can't make any promises. I don't want to up-root my daughters again, but I might not have a choice.
What should I do to help make everyone happy? I know that I have to fix myself first, but after I do that, is it wrong to make getting back with my girlfriend one of my goals? OUr families and kids have gotten so close, and I love her so much, I don't want that to go away.
Hello again; After 62yrs. of life on this earth I have been where most of you are or have been. I have leared many lessons due to my bad choices, and seeing the bad choices of others. Having been thru 2 very deep and to looking like life- long commitments just ended, not my choice. Met a girl from high school. Ran around with her brother. Skinny little sister, not no more! Went together about two yrs. Got married. Planed for two kids after 5yrs., changed her mind. Kids are a gift right? IT IS WHAT IT IS. She was my wife, I still loved & still commited as before.At the end of 6th year she was living with a past good buddy of mine. That was ruff. Took a yr. to be around any people, other than close freinds. I like women, some are best freinds. I quit beating the bushes so to speak, to find ms. right. Asked the LORD if it is to be make it be. Just go & do what you want to. There you'll find people going & doing like you. 4 yrs. later, from So. Cal. to small town Tn.sitting back row Baptist church Mothers Day 1991 there SHE was. Married in 3 mo.going for 31yrs. Raised 2 boys grandchild on the way. What have I got myself into!!! Try GOD, HE'S there for you. GOD BLESS YOU. Mike..
I have been with my partner for 13 years, married for 6 we have 4 children. My husband has never been 'into' having an intimate relationship, but we have always been soulmates...until the last 5 years. Over the last 2 years my husband has withdrawn from interaction with me, he displays some of the symptoms of a depressed person. My husband describes himself as vulcan (star trek), he feels no emotions, he has no motivation to cultivate his relationships with people he used to love. When asked if he loves me he says he doesn't 'feel' he does but his rational head tells him he does and to stay with me.
For the last year we have 'separated' our home life, I share a bed with my children as my husband has said he doesn't wish to have a relationship with me, he wants me to stay around so that when he 'snaps' himself out of it I'll be there. He takes no responsibilty for how I feel, how the kids feel, his motivation in life is to seek his pleasures under the aim of making himself happy again, he refuses to do any chores at home or provide an emotional support for the family.
Quite simply life revolves around him, his desires. The whole family has been supporting him in this over the last few years to try and make him happy, whilst he has had no consideration for anyone.
I pushed my husband to go to the doctors, he was given a referal for therapy as he was presenting with depression. He went for one session and says he doesn't need to go anymore, he says he has read a book on how the brain works and can get himself out of it.
So basically I am left living in a house with a man that doesn't acknowledge my existence unless it is to his benefit, he has told me he doesn't feel he loves me and quite frankly doesn't show it and just wants me to continue until he feels ready or feels he has some feelings for me.
After spending the last few years like this whilst losing a baby, and having my father diagnosed with cancer, I am not sure I feel I can 'exist' in the scenario like my husband wants me to.
What if he never feels any different?
If he does feel different, why would I ever believe him when he tells me he loves me and has feelings for me, his actions over the past years have shown the contrary?
What benefit is there to staying with a depressed person who has completely shut you out from their life?
How can a depressed person be part of a marriage, if they are completely consumed with their own life how can they give to a relationship?
I can't thank you enough for this post. It is so helpful to know that other go through this.
My husband and I have been together for twelve years, since college, and married for six. He had a difficult childhood, and has always hinted that there is a "darkness" inside him. He's had difficult episodes in the past, but always recovered... but for the last year he has been very depressed. After so much time, it is hard for me not to feel that our marriage is falling apart -- even on the better days. He has always been so sweet, open, loving, and funny -- but when he feels blue (and almost anything can trigger him these days), he becomes someone else. He is so withdrawn, physically and emotionally, that it is not hard not to feel that he has lost his love for me. My heart is breaking, becuase I feel that I have lost my soulmate.
I cannot seem to convince him to seek help. I am sad because everything I envisioned for my future (laughter, happiness, and a family with children) seems out of reach, at least with the depression living in our house (we have no children - he now says he doesn't want them). But he is the only person I have ever loved... I can't imagine leaving. I love him still. I don't know why he doesn't want to feel better... I am afraid I can't go on forever, if he does not want to try.
Is there anyone out there who is going though this? Anyone who has gone through a period of difficulty like this, and come out okay in the end? It is hard to talk to with almost anyone else, as few people seem to understand depression, and the toll it takes on spouses.... thank you.
I have been struggling with the problems described in this article for years and it (and all the comments) has helped put words to how I have been feeling.
I have been married for 23 yrs, 2 kids. About 12 yrs ago I started withdrawing from my wife, losing interest in all aspects of marriage. 4 yrs ago I was diagnosed with depression, and therapy and medication helped for a while. But my emotional distance returned and got worse so, as a last resort we went to couples therapy. I also weened off my AD meds and went to a new psychiatrist, who diagnosed ADD and depression. I am on ADD medication but, after all this time I am still struggling with the question: Is it the depression, or ADD, or both, or have I just lost interest? I have been trying to not come to any life-changing decisions while in this mental state but the guilt I feel for not being the husband I once was/want to be/that she deserves is just making me feel worse. My wife has been extremely supportive - there is no anger, shouting, or abuse. Just sadness and lack of passion that is finally beginning to take a toll on her. I want her to be happy, whether it's with me or without me, and right now I do not see how she can be happy with me since I cannot be happy with myself.
Someone mentioned about loving their significant other but not feeling it. My wife constantly asks if I love her, and I say I do. I just do not feel it. This makes no sense to her or me. Do I really love her or do I think I should still love her, therefore say I do? How do you get to the bottom of this without taking a chance on either staying in or ending the relationship and possibly making the worst decision of your life? I sometimes hope that she will make the decision for me, which is cowardly.
I have been struggling with the problems described in this article for years and it (and all the comments) has helped put words to how I have been feeling.
I have been married for 23 yrs, 2 kids. About 12 yrs ago I started withdrawing from my wife, losing interest in all aspects of marriage. 4 yrs ago I was diagnosed with depression, and therapy and medication helped for a while. But my emotional distance returned and got worse so, as a last resort we went to couples therapy. I also weened off my AD meds and went to a new psychiatrist, who diagnosed ADD and depression. I am on ADD medication but, after all this time I am still struggling with the question: Is it the depression, or ADD, or both, or have I just lost interest? I have been trying to not come to any life-changing decisions while in this mental state but the guilt I feel for not being the husband I once was/want to be/that she deserves is just making me feel worse. My wife has been extremely supportive - there is no anger, shouting, or abuse. Just sadness and lack of passion that is finally beginning to take a toll on her. I want her to be happy, whether it's with me or without me, and right now I do not see how she can be happy with me since I cannot be happy with myself.
Someone mentioned about loving their significant other but not feeling it. My wife constantly asks if I love her, and I say I do. I just do not feel it. This makes no sense to her or me. Do I really love her or do I think I should still love her, therefore say I do? How do you get to the bottom of this without taking a chance on either staying in or ending the relationship and possibly making the worst decision of your life? I sometimes hope that she will make the decision for me, which is cowardly.
Thank you for this article. I didn't realize that so many people were going through something similiar. My husband and I just came through a three month-trial separation. We had been fighting constantly. The purpose was to gain perspective, while still working on the marriage. During that time, I had put in a lot of effort on working on myself and on the marriage. My husband did nothing to work on the marriage and basically lived his life completely separate from mine.
I just moved back in this week, which my husband has reservations about. He says he loves me, but is not sure if we are going to work out in the long run. He doesn't really want to work on the marriage. I told him that if he doesn't want to work on the marriage, then we should file for divorce. He seemed to agree, but then 5 mintues later, he says that we should wait and think about it. Then he asks me if I think he has depression. Looking at everything over the past several years, he clearly falls under most of the symptoms. Depression does run in his family. We have been married for 7 1/2 years, together for 11. I know he has seasonal affectiveness disorder. Does anyone know if this can induce depression? We of course live in the Pacific NW...rain central.
He says he is confused about me and the marriage, but still loves me. He says he will go to a counselor, but has yet to make an appointment. Does anyone have any additional advice on how to cope with a depressed partner? His roller coaster of being involved in the relationship, then retreating is really starting to take an emotion toll on me. I love him dearly, but it is getting so hard.
I broke up with my boyfriend over three weeks ago because he was growing distant and acting different. Before i did so i talked to him about it he said he felt different, he told me his feelings had changed. Not knowing he was going through depression i thought he was falling out of love. i broke it off and didnt ask anymore questions till the next night.
He told me breaking up didnt feel right and (I love this man very dearly so this was good news to me) he told me that if he told me he didnt love me then that that would be a lie. We talked about taking a break and he thought that would be best. He told me it wasnt anything i did, he was going through a tough time with school and work and that his past with his father triggered bouts of depression.
A week later with very little contact i saw him. We were at his house and i gave him a back rub, he told me how he felt and that there was hope for our relationship. He told me basically he didnt feel apart of this world, not apart of his family, and stressed. He told me it felt weird not kissing me. this night gave me alot of hope and the next few days we didnt speak at all. I assume this is just because of the depression, and i kind of was hoping that abscense would make the heart grow fonder.
I tried to communicate with him about four days ago, he told me he felt no connection he was getting help and i couldnt help him, and that was all there way. I knew this, but i didnt understand why i couldnt just check up on him.
After that we didnt speak, I tried to send a hello, or a hey wanna go on a walk? but nothing, he isnt speaking to some of his closest friends. but i still see him socializing on facebook just not to me or some other friends.
We are technically on a break, i dont know when till, but ive felt hurt. I feel like a huge part of me is gone. He wont talk to me, and that makes me feel rejected. I dont know why he is just ignoreing me, it hurts alot.
Do i really have any hope? I know that my heart wont let him go for a long while, but i feel like what im waiting for wont happen. Is it just his depression? making him act this way?
i've heard stories where the person in depression will get out of it, realize that they still loved their ex that they had broken up with because they didnt feel anything before, but by that time their ex had moved on.
Im sure he still thinks of me. He told me he always does he just doesnt feel that romantic feeling.
The no communication is tearing me apart. I get so worried, i told him so, but he doesnt say anything. i try calling messaging, everything. not too much thought because i dont want to be annoying.
Do i really have any hope?
Hello, as you wrote this post my depressed boyfriend was breaking up with me. I was where you are. We took a break too and now 6 months later he wants out. He is not happy with himself, his life, and how our relationship is being affected by his work overload and attitude. I am not happy either. But I agreed to the break because I love him and wanted to give us a chance, but I am not match for this. We were together 3.5 years, at nearly the 2 year mark he wanted to take a step back(break) because of his issues with past relationships, fear, family stuff, and who knows what else. However I managed to pull him back in. Then his sister passed away suddenly and he has not been the same. Instead of grieving and getting counseling he became a workaholic and has been for the last year and a half. His withdrawal emotionally from me and his work load has put so much strain on our relationship.
After taking a second break, I'd had enough and wanted out, but he wanted to try to go to counseling and make it work, then changed his mind and said he was just too tired to continue with us. I am hurt, I love him, but I have to move on with my life. Hitting rock bottom is the only way some people will pull out of it. You may want to treat this break as a break up and start focusing on healing yourself, because this has done some damage to you, but you can't feel it because you are focusing on him and the outcome of this. Prepare for the possibility that he may get better, may not, may want you back, may not. Either way plan on what YOU will do in any case try not to worry so much about what he will do. Start imagining life with someone else or on your own, worry less about the outcome and more about your own well being, because he can't. He is not capable right now. Depression is anger underneath and he is withdrawing to protect you partly and because he just can't feel anything else, though it may not look like it. It looks malicious and cruel, but his mind is toxic right now. Why would someone who loves you act in such a way? It's because they can't help it. Take care of you for now. Hope that helps you and good luck!
My hubby's depression has finally come to light after a few years. The angry moody episodes developed after our baby was born, then they increased. I just thought it was me that caused him to act out- like I was to blame for something little that I did. Finally at a dinner at my parents/family around, he completely withdrew the whole day, and didn't come out to even eat with us. I decided I wasn't going to take the blame anymore- I told him I needed a break. He has since seen a few doctors- that prescribed him meds etc. He thinks the deal is- if he improves, I'll stay with him. Yet, at this point, I don't have anymore love, and am scared of him and have no attraction to him. Yes, I want to leave.
My hubby's depression has finally come to light after a few years. The angry moody episodes developed after our baby was born, then they increased. I just thought it was me that caused him to act out- like I was to blame for something little that I did. Finally at a dinner at my parents/family around, he completely withdrew the whole day, and didn't come out to even eat with us. I decided I wasn't going to take the blame anymore- I told him I needed a break. He has since seen a few doctors- that prescribed him meds etc. He thinks the deal is- if he improves, I'll stay with him. Yet, at this point, I don't have anymore love, and am scared of him and have no attraction to him. Yes, I want to leave.
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hi
I am not in a relationship
As you may already know
It is a good subject to bring up
I don't know how people start to have a relationship
But thats me
Jon