We are a romantic and idealized society. We believe in the powers of love to save anything and everybody. But is this really true? There are many instances in life where love is not enough. In fact, in some cases, it clouds over reality for us to see what truly is. When it comes to relationships, love is essential. Love provides the reason to keep going when all else fails. But there has to be other things in place as well such as mutual responsibility and commitment. Relationships can be great when all is going well. But what happens when there is a bump in the road? Or more like what happens when there is a huge boulder in the road as when one partner suffers from depression?
I began this series on relationships and depression with my previous post entitled, “Is Your Partner Depressed or Just Not That Into You?” I wanted to address some of the questions and themes I see repeatedly from members on My Depression Connection, who come to us for help and guidance about relationships with a depressed partner. As with anything, there are no right or wrong answers, just many shades of gray. You know your partner best and also what is right for you. We can give suggestions and advice but ultimately you are the person who must live with your decisions. So it is best to take the time to reflect upon all facets of the situation including your own well being.
Here are some more thoughts to help you along with this process:
You cannot change anybody but yourself :
This is such a true adage yet there are so many people who completely ignore this wisdom and go about trying to morph their loved one into their ideal vision of a mate. Not going to happen. You are not your partner’s mama or papa. You are not their savior. You are not their therapist. You are supposed to be their equal partner. Yes, we can help, support, and love our significant other. But we can’t change them. They have to change themselves. Your loved one is responsible for their personal growth. Once you start assuming responsibility for changing your partner, then you enable all sorts of irresponsible behaviors. Why should they do anything to help themselves when you are doing it for them? Stop focusing on trying to change your partner and focus on changing you and how you respond.
It can seem very alluring to choose a mate based upon how lost or needy they seem. You are going to be that special someone to change their life. No. Your specialness is not derived from how much you think you are needed. What is going to happen is you will become resentful that the person you are “saving” isn’t exactly thankful for your help. They in turn, will become resentful that you have tried to change them. Entering a relationship to save or change someone is a recipe for disaster and heart break.
When your partner tells you what they want or do not want… listen.
Sometimes your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse may tell you things that you don’t want to hear. These hard to hear things may include:
10 Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression 
6 Behavior Changes During Depression 
Getting to Know Your 5 Essential Brain Chemicals 
10 Surprising Ways to Enhance Your Mind 
Wow M/M, you really outdid yourself this time!!
I've experienced ALL of that in my marriage & in subsequent relationships; the most recent was ending a 3-year relationship with a very good woman whom I 'was just not that into". I believe she was my "rescuer"; trying to build herself up by somehow 'saving' me.
When I was married, my seeking help & eventually being placed on Prozac was too little, too late...the marriage was already over. About a year after my divorce I was in a 5-year live-in relationship with a very nice woman, however ours was a mutual "rescue/enabling" relationship. Looking back I found that ALL of these (& other relationships) were simply draining me.
It's SO true that love alone will not keep a relationship together. BOTH parties have to 'work' at it; one to take responsibility for their actions & conditions while the other takes responsibility to stand back resisting the urge to "rescue", no matter how well-intentioned they are. Of the two, 'standing back' is far more difficult, I believe.
Small wonder I currently avoid anything beyond a casual, preferably platonic relationship. With all of the "love stuff" thrown at us in music, movies & other media we're led to believe that "love" will save us. The most difficult part is that we're led to believe that we're somehow incomplete if we're not n a relationship. My strongest belief is to build a strong, loving relationship with yourself first. If you can't stand you, who else will?
Love will most definitely save relationships & the World, however it's an entirely different kind & style of love than what's portrayed in the various forms of media. Your thoughts?
Carl
I totally agree with you, CJinLV, and with Merely Me. The one whose love counts the most is you. If you can't love yourself, you can't take it in from anyone else, either.
My biggest fear when my worst bouts of depression hit was that my husband would leave me, even though I was in a stage where I was angry at him and blamed him for everything. I'm lucky he stuck around. But, like MM has said before, what to do in these situations depends on how long the relationship has been going on, if you have children, etc. There's definitely more at stake when you're married with a couple of kids. If you're not married, there's no guarantee that getting married will make things better; in fact, once we're comfortable with our partner, it almost makes it easier to let our "inner beast" out now and then. Love is a risk, I guess, with anyone and if you're coming from the right place, it can be well worth it. The victim and rescuer scenario doesn't work for long and you can't expect anyone to change because you want them to. That's a fantasy, for sure.
Hi Carl,
It seems like you've identified a pattern of being drawn into relationships that include "saving" and "suffering." A lot of times we carry out patterns that our parents or grandparents imprinted on us, and aren't aware that our attraction to someone can be strongly influenced by that. In my family, the girls seem to be drawn to men who have problems. If you see the pattern, you can make a different decision, overriding the tendency to follow attraction. Then it may be better to not have a primary relationship, or you can choose someone who has the qualities that are positive about your parents and doesn't have the problem ones.
I'm sure your wisdom is hard-won, but it sounds like you did find out how to break the pattern.
Thanks Survivor & Judy,
Yes, my "wisdom" IS hard-won for sure, but I attribute that to ignoring the warning signs, 'gut feelings' etc. Strange; even in our deepest bouts of Depression we still get those feelings & signals, yet we choose to ignore them for whatever reasons.
One day I'll fall in love again, commit for life etc, however it will take time to heal along with a lot of introspection & 'digging deep' to keep from repeating those nasty patterns.
George Santayana said it best: "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it".
Carl
Judy, I have exactly the same feelings about my marriage when I'm depressed. It's like I think that after 30 years together he's suddenly going to realize that he doesn't love me and want a divorce. Especially if we're in a conflict. It's almost impossible to keep a disagreement into elevating itself into terror that it's all going to crumble. Funny, I was almost thinking that I was the only person that it happened to.
I knew it and have been trying to persuade those girls who had depressed partners to move on with their life! Lots of girls thought their depressed partners are withdrawn, say mean things because it was depression talking. It is absolutely illusional. When somebody shows those symptoms they are tired of the relationship one way or the other and want a break. It is a normal pattern for everybody. The only difference I noticed is that a normal person would take responsbilities by saying " it is my fault. I am sorry but I want this relationship to end." A depressed guy would try to blame everything on the girl and leave the relationship. They would say hurtful things because they are not happy and they want to vent. They'd never thought from the partener's perspective. That poor normal partener would be very understanding and keep compromising. Trying to save their relationship and putting their life on hold for nothing. It's just unfair. Not worth it. Whenever you saw some red flags. Move on firmly.
Rule of thumb in a relationship is "the more obsessed you are the further you push the other person away".
Hi Carl!
Wow...you have said so much here...you certainly have gained much wisdom with your experiences. I look at it this way...it is better to be a full cup of coffee and your partner be a full cup of coffee than one of both be a half cup...always looking to be filled up with something. Now some of us are the walking wounded and we have to deal with that. But unhealthy relationships where people are picked up like stray puppies...not so good. I can see it happen right before my eyes. I have seen it on this site. Someone will come here and talk about feeling lost and sad and then all of a sudden...here comes the great rescuer who has soooo much in common with the other person. It really gets my dander up because...for some people...it is an ego trip..."oh I am so special...I can make the depressed person feel love for the first time." uh huh. right.
Love is about the butterflies and the magical pixi dust moments...sure. But there has to be something beyond that...something of substance. That something is responsibility.
You want to have someone in your life who is more than a partner in pain. You need someone who you can grow with.
Healthy relationships...not so glamorous sometimes as unhealthy ones. But withing a healthy realtionship is where true liove really blossoms. In my opinion but of course.
I think you are smart Carl...you are wise to take things slow and...to have learned from the past. You will do well.
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself here with us.
Thank YOU, M/M. You make it easy!
I am a complete mental case and actually like being in an unbalanced relationship. Love isn't enough but it certainly is a lot. My guy has the worst self esteem and really hates himself. From the start I was pushed away a bit, then when I showed understanding and patience, I was rewarded with praise and affection and explanations. When he got worse and appeared cold as ice and emotionless, I whispered 'i love you' and literally felt him melt in my arms. When he pushes, I write well thought out emails reminding him why he is so special to me, and it always works. He's had horrible dating experiences, so naturally I am coined 'special'. I feel connected to him in every aspect (he's always been the male version of me), including the depression. I am going through it myself, so I know about the peacefulness of just being on your own. The more people bug you, the more you want to get rid of them. I am not sure of the outcome of this but I can see it growing into a bond that will never die. Not entirely a healthy relationship, but if it works for me, then that is all that matters! My previous boyfriend was manic depressive, so I have learned alot there. I tried the married thing once, and it was too normal and boring. The one great thing to this, is that not only do I feel connected to a great guy, I am also taking so much time for myself, that I am making my last mortgage payment tomorrow, in my early 30s. I am accomplishing so much, I would rather be on my own in my 'fantasy world'
My ex is a lot similar to your guy. Initially he didnt tell me about his depression. Since he got irritated for no reason a few times I broke up with him. He wanted me back then told me about his depression. He said whould try harder and appreciated my understanding and patience. But as I compromised more the relationship got out of balance and eventually he shut me out. My experience in dealing with depressed people is dont compromise and keep the relationship balanced. You have your needs to be met too. Be tough. When I was tough on him he was a lot more compromsing and fight his depression hard. If you do want him back you have to give up and ignore him completely. After he realized that he missed you in his life he would come back to you. It could take quite some time and remember never ever make any contact.
If not, my experience in getting over my ex is very simple too. Find out why you are attracted to your guy? In my case, He is a tall blonde, just my type. And we had good chemistry. So I looked around and found another guy of similar type and he happens to like me too. We started dating.
We lose confidence once a guy dumped us. But if there would be another guy there for you it definately helps you move on. I also learned to take it easy.
No, dont stay in an unbalanced relationship. It is depressing and make people age faster. You need to stay positive, dress up pretty every day and go out and socalize with your friends. Dont ever involved with antoher depressed person. Life is tough enough. It is so much easier to get along with a normal person.
If you choose to be with him it is an on going life battle. Do you want to put yourself in that situation let alone you are not sure if he loves you or not. You said he was a male version of you. You guys connected very well. So far I see it as one way connection. He didnt feel the same at least he no longer felt the same. And there is nothing we could do to make the other person change his mind. Dont let your emotion come out too strong on him. The stronger it is the further he is going to pull away from you. Men are not borned to be as emtional as women.
GO OUT AND HAVE FUN OK!!! YOU WILL FIND YOUR MR PERFECT. EARLY 30s are not young so dont hang in there for him.
My point is that I do like unbalanced relationships, I understand depression now. I am going through it, have had it since the fourth grade, but am in a more serious episode now. I understand wanting to be left alone and the irratibility that comes with pushy people. I know he loves me deeply and cares, he just can't *feel* it. It will take a very long time. I keep in touch with him now on a non emotional level. It may be one sided, but it works for me. I honestly have no needs at the moment and really like to be alone. In my case, I shut out people who do not understand. The ones who stand by me, and are just there without pushing, are special good friends. I know what I am doing and what works for me. I'm glad you found someone else so easily. For me, my guy is the real deal and is not disposable. I can handle a lifetime of this, it makes for an interesting life to say the least...haha.
I had perseverance like you did. Nothing worked on my Mr. Toughy. His heart is as cold as ice and as hard as a piece of rock at times. You are right that if say "I love you" he would be melted and get better but then dropped back to his own little dark world again. I am sorry to hear that you have depression. I am an optimisitc person throughout my life. Have you shut people out yourself? If you know your bf's family and friends maybe get united a little and persuade him to go to see therapist and get some anti-meds. You can go to couple therapy. If you are not a needy girl congratulations, lots of guys out there like girls like you. Most guys cant handly clingy and needy girls at all. Take care of yourself.
My guy actually dropped me a note after 3+ months. I just dont want to go through rollar coaster relationships any more. One day he is all nice and happy, the next day he stopped talking after work. Honestly, I am scared of him. Sometimes I dont know his mood. When he wrapped his arm around my shoulder I was shaking. I didnt know if he would break down again. I have a stressful job and just cant deal with stress again at home. I loved him and deeply cared him but I have to care myself too. Please take care of yourself too. A normal guy might take you out of your depression. If you keep dating depressed guys it will make your situation worse. I have nothing against depressed people but after I dated one I dont think i would go for another. I am completely drained.
Again, spend more time talking with your friends and do more excerises, go out. Thing less about what makes you upset. Look on the bright side.
good luck!
I can definitely see why your ex can't handle a relationship with you, you seem very pushy. Whatever was meant to happen will happen, leave it alone. You should enjoy your new undepressed guy and live a normal life and stop trying to push your beliefs on someone you don't know. What I am doing works for me, and my guy, we are both at the same stage and I honestly don't want to be bothered with it anymore. I am living my life fine in my own way, I don't need a relationship to be undepressed.