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How to Deal with Depression by Staying in the Present

Merely Me
By Merely Me Monday, May 24, 2010


Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't live for tomorrow,
Tomorrow's much too long....
~Billy Corgan, "Today," Siamese Dream (Smashing Pumpkins), 1993


I recall a session with my therapist where I had just recounted a very painful story from my childhood. In telling my story I was able to get in touch with feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, and fear. Later in the session I talked about having those same feelings but related to a situation in my then current adult life. My therapist, big on finding themes and patterns within our therapy sessions, brought to light that I was responding to situations in my adult life much the way I did as a child. And then he would ask what he always asked, "That was (year of childhood event). What about (present year)? Is what was true then still true for you today?" Then we would create a list of everything which is different for me now including: I am an adult, I have more control and power over my life, I have supports, and I have more knowledge of how to respond to life's situations. It was a very effective therapeutic strategy in helping me to understand that I am not the same person that I was as a child or even a year ago. We are always growing, evolving, and learning new ways to cope.


The main premise of my therapist's strategy was to keep me in the present. During the many years since my therapy ended, I still utilize this philosophy to keep me grounded and sane. This guiding principle to remain in the present is not a new one. Staying with the now is one of the central tenets to Buddhist philosophy where one learns to detach from the past and an undetermined future in order to live fully in the present. How can one concentrate on what is happening now if our minds are clogged up with what has already happened or with our visions of the future. When we cannot move beyond our past experiences and live in fear of the future we feel stuck and trapped. I envision it being something like being caught in the narrow space between the screen door and the front door, afraid to come in and afraid to go out.


I am sure many of us have examples of where we are faced with living now or with living in the past or worrying about the future. In my life this theme keeps being repeated with such frequency that I feel it is my grand lesson. Right now I struggle to remain in the present as I deal with having a chronic illness called Multiple Sclerosis. You know that saying, "I need this like a hole in the head"? This could be my slogan as MS is typified by lesions or plaques in the brain. On an MRI these lesions look like white spots. Over time it is possible that the disease will progress to the point where these lesions become black holes as the damage to the brain becomes permanent. It is a rather frightening thought to think of my brain in this way. I have had to adapt to the notion that I now have "holes" in my brain possibly leading to disability. As part of my acceptance process, I have had to adopt the "live in the now" mantra not just as some esoteric philosophy, but as something which is necessary for my emotional survival.

Comments (60) |  Add comment
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5/24/10 5:20pm

Merely Me

Reading your post I cant help but wonder if you needed to write this down for yourself today.

 

living in the moment for me is a discipline that I can only wish to get better at, we are alound to wish as for me it represent hope, thing is hope is mostly in the future as I see it.

And without it the present would be lesser...still with me ?

They are certainty in life, we all have a destiny a point of arrival a port...but its the steps that we take today that are important to me.

 

I ear your pain and your worry's trough your post in the way you write wich is so honnest and free.

 

In this point in time I thank you for I needed that helpfull reminder that today is all that we have.

 

-Michel-

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 4:34pm

Hey there Michel

 

I began writing and I found a point where I could have told any number of personal experience stories...about living with my mother who has a severe mental illness...about parenting my son who has autism...and then too my MS.  So I chose to discuss my disease as an example...of how life has taught me that I have to focus on the present in order to stay sane. 

 

One of the principles of writing is to show it and not just say it.  I could give you the bullet lists...but isn't it so much better to show you through my life experiences? 

 

Thank you Michel for your comment and for your compassion.  This type of sharing is what makes our community.  Hope you are having a good week thus far.

SonDawn
SonDawn
5/24/10 6:24pm

Living in the now is definitely a wonderful concept that should be mastered by all especially those of us living with depression. This is something I devote many hours of energy to everyday. The biggest roadblock I face is my past, it has defined who I am in both helpful and harmful ways. Sorting out the helpful ones from the harmful ones has been a task undertaken with absolute velocity geared by fear. I strongly believe that in order to live in the present you must understand your past  and that is a scary place - at least for me. I don't prescribe to organised religion of any kind as I believe it is more important to have faith in oneself. Without this belief I would probably be dead by now. Getting to the place I am now which is manageable. I'm happy and confident enough now that I am starting to do the things that I've always wanted to do but was told I never could. I'm starting small and creating a new past from which to define myself.

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 4:37pm

Hello Sondawn

 

I would love to hear more about your personal life experiences and how they got you to the place you are today.  You truly sound like you know yourself well and have gained much wisdom along the way.

 

Please do share your journey with us.  We would really like that.

anne1123
anne1123
5/24/10 7:05pm

Being present in the now is a philosophy I have heard from many sources.  It seems an indisputable fact that focusing on the present moment helps us to savor our life experiences.  It is also easier to cope if you are not trying to juggle several realities but can concentrate on the current moment.  This has always been a challenge for me but I keep trying to apply myself.  So many events in my past are painful that it hurts to look back too much.  I feel there is good in reflecting as long as I do not drag the past into the present simply to punish myself. Lessons learned. I was thinking about how I responded as a child but I cannot remember much of my childhood.  I have the sense that I was very much at the mercy of those around me and tried to respond in ways that gained their approval.  I don't want to be locked into responding that way so reminding myself as you mention in your article that I am an adult now with more control can help me from responding in that childhood manner.  I agree with you that there is so much beauty to be missed by dwelling in the past or worrying about the future.  Once again I am struck by how much courage it takes for you to live with this threat of illness.  You are helping people now.  Thank you.

Anonymous
Rosemarie
5/24/10 7:44pm

Hi merely Me, I never had a good Therapist but I can relate to responding to situations that corrlelate with childhood/adolescence. I look at myself sometimes and see a hurt little child and I react that way [inside] whilst trying to act Adult outside. However, as we all know it is the little child inside that causes the Depression.  I live in the Day Merely Me, because to look far into the future would be perilious for me. Like you, my prognosis isnt good. Already my feet bones are going bad with Rheum.Arthritis.Ditto hands , wrists, ankles. Mobility is getting worse. I look good, dress well. But... I am in bad pain, some days can hardly manage and take a nap most days with the fatigue.  Back to prognosis and living in the Day. The last lap of Rheum.Arthritis is that it goes into the eyes, heart and lungs, It is a very painful and nasty disease. My sister in london is in a wheelchair and on chemotherapy.  So alone, I face this with little or no supports. I choose to live in the day, I dont think about those things, It doesnt help  me, I live today. Today I walked and laughed and talked. I had pain but the sun shone and I was happy, Today. You brought up a good point.

Tommorow, if God allows me live, I know Ive food in the Fridge,Roof over my head. Im not in the middle of a warzone, that makes me in the minority in this vast World of ours. For that I am grateful.

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 4:41pm

Thanks so much Anne...

 

We have all had our struggles and will continue to do so.  Life is that way.  And for those of us who have had a traumatic past...it is really hard to move on from that.  But I think to have any chance for happines...we have to put the past on a shelf...we can look at it now and then but we can't ever go back.  If the past begins to hold us back from doing things in life that we want to do...then it becomes a detriment to our mental health.

 

I applaud all the things in your life that you have overcome to be the person that you are today.  You are quite magnificent!

 

Thanks so much for your comment.

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 4:44pm

Hey Rosemarie

Everytime you write....you always bring it on home...what things are important in life...you got it going on.  You are so right...today is what we have.  So might as well enjoy it.

 

There truly is a lot to be grateful for.  Thanks for reminding us.

 

 

Anonymous
Minx
6/ 4/10 4:31am

Rosemarie:  I read your letter and thought that sounds like me, but my depression was a part of repressing a childhood of emptyness which I had never acknowledged until years into therapy.  Now, I try to stay in present but  can't seem to rid myself of a lot of resentment as the other person directly the cause will not discuss or take any blame in her desions which changed my whole life , left me feeling unable to ever measure up or feel whole with unconditional love!This keeps creeping back into my daily thoughts of how verydefnt I may have turned out as a person for rest of my whole life.  Now,  I face lung cancer and after eighteen months of radiation,chemo, and  pet/ct scans every three months which tell me if I live longer or not,  I am still ALONE   with my husband at deaths door in hospital as I type this to you.  I have not been able to see him for three days because now I have pneumonia which I getquite often, but my Doctor promised me he would keep me out of hospital if I basically live on heavy regiment of prednisone, sure you are familiar with that drug and another strong anti biotic regiment, plus the breathing helpers in home.  I am on my own once again, only this time my health and spirit are against me.  I am not afraid of death at all,  it is the just making it through one day at a time NOW that has me feeling for the first time in my whole llife of having no control over OUR situation.We moved away from friends and family of a lifetime to live in a warmer and less expensive climate.  I moved out of a sense of duty being an only child.  It was a huge error as I have suffered emotional break down, clinical depression,a loss of passion for life or fun,  I just feel empty and sad most of the time.  There is no Magic Pill,  nor enough therapy to give me back contentment, joy and sense of  feeling normal.  A group of us with help from United Way even opened a center for mental illness problems under N.A.M.I.  in our community which is free and a place of acceptance and genuine caring amongst us that is missing from family members who refuse to attend any gatherings we have or even watch our yearly tv. telethon asking for more donatiions but in this one part of our lives we have managed to keep open and free for past eight years!!I am probably writing this as with my husband in dire health hospital or a rehabilitation hospital for past month, back and forth between the two facilities according to his health crisis of the moment,  I am at a loss for time or the comfort of going to our beautiful place as it is named to at least feel cared about and  usually can smile in this home away from home where no one else understands depression.  I have my hair back and look helathy, no one would ever guess I have cancer and I have chosen not to bother people with the news.   My two grown children have happy and content lives and I want  them to stay that way, they deserve to be in a better place than myself and they have been truly the very best and proudest part of my existance.  By the way, my cousin who also moved south and lives next door also has M.S. and is now wearing brace on one leg, but his eye sight is bad and he is losing weight and afraid because if I am gone,  he will be alone also.   I am so thankful for the wonderful times of being a Mom and  enjoying every bit of that phase, also a super happy second marriage that is now thjirty years and neither of us is young and pretty anymore let alone healthy , so glad we stayed up all  night dancing and going to week end get a ways and travel to wonderfull places and were true soul mates for a long time, but I will tell you that if I had a choice between winning the lottery and being thirty years younger, I have no hesitation in saying our youthful passion for every day.  Thank you for listening to my story my life!!

vannilee
vannilee
6/18/10 12:04am

Minx,

I went back to read your story again and see something you can do to feel better by asking someone for help..."I am at a loss for time or the comfort of going to our beautiful place as it is named to at least feel cared about and usually can smile in this home away from home where no one else understands depression." Can you ask someone to give you a ride to your special place? Or maybe someone from the center (because you KNOW they understand) could pick you up and spend time there with you?

You said you loved the phase when you were a mom...you still are a mom and always will be, even when you are again with your husband. I know you mean when the "kids" were kids, but now you are in the present. Are you able to journal and write stories of those wonderful days? That would be a wonderful thing for your kids to have forever, stories from Mom.

As far as the ones who you feel ruined your life, remember you have no control over anyone but yourself. Can you imagine how much work that would be if you DID have control over them? Sounds like it would be quite a mess to straighten out! :-) Talk about exhausted... In spite of them, you turned out to be a very loving mom, blessed wife, a strong woman, and a kind/gentle soul. I hear it in your voice.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.
---now is the time to use that wisdom and choose to enjoy the wonderful things that have enriched your life. I'm sure you have lots of stories about your kids and husband that will bring a smile to your face. When you focus on those loving memories, the bad ones will be erased from your thoughts.

Take care of you,

Barb

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/18/10 1:14am

TODAY IS THE NOW AND FOR A CHANGE I HAVE SOMETHING VERY WONDERFUL TO SHARE WITH ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE BEEN TO HELL WITH ME THIS PAST MONTH!!   I finally went to get the test results feeling as though this would just be onemore tradgedy to take on, BUT received best results in past three tests.  The one large tumor in right lung is stable, the effusion seen earlier also is gone, not sure what that means, except it is gone!!  the small tumore in left lung has stayed the same size and no spreading of cancer.   I never thought this would happen, especially now.  However, she wants me to see my lung Dr. who is also lmy friend, and he did call me yesterday when he found out about my husband.  I am having suck a difficult time breathing, even with use of nebulizer, oxygen and inhalers, she said it is Asthma causing this.  The heat and humidity index is out of sight and that is all everyone is talking about on tv and else where,  I have our air on non stop.  I picked up  husbands clothes etc. from rehabilitation center alsotoday and had respiratory people come and check out the equipment.I also had couple of men come and look at the plywood covers that I had made last year for hurricane, but they wanted larger pieces, next I am selling computer printer as I don't know how to use it and do't want to learn either, also the sony surround sound system is going.  It is fun sometimes as you can hear foot steps and jets roar getting closer, but it also took away the one feature I really bought this model tv. for.  It has a built in sound sensor for commercials, but with surround sound doewsn't work, also not sure how to turn allthe stuff on for speakers etc.  Also, removed us from NetFlix monthly payment.one more thing, I am not sure how to put the dvd into box because of all this electronic stuff being interconnected.  Social Secuirty is making transition easy since we both were all ready on it, so no visit to office, but need to see lawyer that we recently in May had our will changed and updated.  I need the deasth certificates which are ready as of today to have his name taken off the house deed, which I have no idea where it is, also bank and checking accounts.Because of Hippa laws his pension papers have to be done through mail, but at least they told me I would still have health coverage, thankfully!!!My daughter told his best friend fro all his life what happened.  She said he turned white and had to sit down,  as we also lost another of our gang recently.  One minute you are dancing and clubbing and playing at seas shore and next we are leaving .  So very hard to comprehend life at this stage and yet the paoer is full of desaths of people in their thirty to fiftys every day.  I can not begin to express y grattitude to those of you who have listened to me go on and on for weeks and still offered good advice.  I am still sad and want my youth and life back and things the way they used to be.  I can't seem to say good by to those wonderful times,  maybe I don't want to.    I would like to stay on this site and as time goes on, maybe be able to get some others through what I refer to as Hell on Earth.  There is always someone worse off or my girl friend would not be working so much at suicide room at local hospital.  My step daughters trip home was a complete disaster, but bing who they are, laughed their heads off.  The only plane they could get out of Tampa was a stop over in Charlotte,NC.  while boarding that plane, some girl went int rest room and proceeded to get so high on coke, she was twirling her underwear around on her hand and babling non stop.  next they arrive finally after five hours in Newark, but one daughter forgot to tell her husband they were flying in on a different airline, so they are in one plac eandhe another,  they finally get together and on the way home, flat tire on expressway, now if you have never s=driven in NY, you have no idea how scary this can be.  They can't get lugs off as one husband is on heart transplant list, luckily some people who knew them stopped to help, they spent over 12 hours to get home, and it should have been three, but with their crazy personalilty, nothing drastic took place.  The other very positive side of this whole sad situation is my daughter and those two are all alike and love a good time, they will be meeting up on week ends at places both famililes visit all the time.   Finally a llight is becoming brighter,  so thankfull for this!! Minx or Joni

vannilee
vannilee
6/18/10 2:11am

"Finally a llight is becoming brighter,  so thankfull for this!! Minx or Joni"

 

Well, look at you! You sound like a whole other person! I'm so glad for you to get such wonderful results. Keep that positive momentum going...and enjoy those memories of days gone by. You are a lucky lady.

 

Take care of you!

Barb

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/19/10 10:56am

I don't know what I would have done without coming across this site when I did,  Was it fate, was it God, Spiritual help , don't know and doesn't matter since I found understanding and hope that I felt is non-existant in today's  rat race world.  Living in Florida is bad enoug, we truly are a state of strangers and most return to north sooner or later, but the one cnstant in my life has been the Beautiful Mind center.  Since funeral took place withine two days, there were a lot of friends from there that did not even know, but are now calling to offer their comfort.  I just was told that we have been open ten years all ready,  Time has just flown by.  I have one situation which is not so great.  I had a set of good pearls that needed to be repaired in a plastic bag in my kitchen and Al's daughters kept telling me to put them away also I found a bag of old coins some as far back as 1920 silver dollars and put them in a cloth pouch to take to a coin dealer to see what their value was.  I can not find either and I have looked good.Hopefully, his daughters hid pearls somewhere for me, but I believe a person some where on my stops on Wednesday went into pocket book and took them.  They weighed so much and were in a separate zippered change area, but I am infamous for leaving pkg.s, keys, purse laying around,  all the people at the shopping center know where to find me and just laugh it off.  I will try to stop at the two places I was at that day, but do not have much faith in finding items.today, people are expected to come and look at plywood for hurricane coverage and tools and misc. things.  My asthma is really being a nuisance and I just took a presnisone to help, so I can stopp feeling so out of breath and tired.Tonight is movie night at my cousins and I need to taske some food left overs to my Mothrs, as the firls are all on some kind of health food and soy mild craze, but they are a healthy twosome.  Thanks for k\keeping in touch with me.Now maybe I can read some of your background letters and remember what I read and offer my two cents, that is if I can find it! LOL  Joni or Minx

Judy
Judy
5/24/10 8:24pm

I do believe that we can understand ourselves better if we understand our past and that we can look at the past in a "detached" sort of way, with practice.  What's hard is when some of that past is sub-conscious and we don't realize it's influencing today's actions and beliefs, especially if we're still put in situations that replicate our past.

 

It's getting easier for me to not worry about the future, the older I get.  If I get afraid about having enough money down the road, I think about the fact that there is no guarantee I will be here down the road and probably that the older I get, the less I will need for day-to-day living.  My husband is quite a bit older than I am, with longevity in his genetics, so theoretically, he could outlive me, but our plan is to stay as active as we can, maybe move to a place where we don't have to worry about maintenance once our dogs are gone.

 

The problem with depression, sometimes, is that we can end up feeling so numb that we can't take enjoyment from what's right in front of us.  That's sad, to me, because I think I've lived most of my life like that, afraid that if I enjoyed the moment, it would be snatched away from me in a heartbeat.  I'm running out of time, I WANT to savor each moment and I'm hoping I will get to that point sooner than later.

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 4:48pm

You always say so much truth Judy..

 

I too believe that we cannot ignore our past or future...sometimes we need to deal with it whether it be in therapy or in financial planning for ourselves or our kids.  But I think what we are talking about is not letting ourselves be trapped in thinking excessively about these other time realms and then miss out on right now.  I have felt that numbness so much in my life...I don't like living in perpetual shock.  I want to live and I want to feel.

 

So many of us are working on the same things...simply to enjoy our life. 

 

Thank you as always for your insightful comments.

vannilee
vannilee
6/18/10 12:30am

 Uh oh..."I'm running out of time, I WANT to savor each moment and I'm hoping I will get to that point sooner than later."

Remember, life is a journey, not a destination. We never get to that point because our lives are fluid, constantly changing. Just like laundry that never is "done". Imagine my disappointment when I figured that one out! lol

LyraStorm
LyraStorm
5/25/10 12:11am

Being present in the moment is something that was emphasised when I was doing DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy), and it took a while for me to be able to adjust it so I could accept it as useful and useable. You see I like to live in my head, it's my escapism and how I can handle life, and that isn't the present.... I figured my present is pretty damn miserable - at that point in time I had had a full on breakdown and my accomplishments were getting up in the morning, maybe doing a few house chores, perhaps jogging, and making myself go to therapy. Why would I want to focus on the here and now when that is life?

 

Of course I then learnt that it meant stop comparing. I would compare these accomplishments to what I had been doing and say that they were small. I would look around at other people, and most importantly at who I had been - I was the A* student who was involved in all sorts of extra curricular activities and seemed to have a bright future. Then I crashed and burned. Getting up didn't seem much of anything to crow about compared to being the highest ranking student in English in my school. However getting up when I just wanted to lie in bed forever, wetting myself, until I slowly perished was something that took incalculable amounts of effort and should indeed be considered an accomplishment. Looking at the here and now, at that specific moment in time whilst I was living it, I was truly pushing myself to achieve things despite overwhelming obstacles.

 

I have never spent a whole day in bed. Up until recently I had never missed a therapy session (I've missed my last two because I forgot one, overwhelmed and tired due to my course, and I chose to participate in a friend's video that he was shooting on the day of another session - I thought I'd get something more positive out of getting involved in that activity than sitting in a room talking about my woes). I set myself a task to do everyday, even if it was as simple as completing a puzzle in one of my activity books, and pulled it off. I never just sat and did absolutely nothing. In each moment I achieved and as long as I focused on that I could stop beating myself up for what I wasn't doing/who I no longer was.

 

It took me so long to learn to be ok with being on a disability pension because I felt guilty - looking at the past. And now I can only make myself go to my acting course and handle what is given to me if I focus on the immediate here and now - if I think about the future and all the things I will have to do in the course, and trying to have an acting career, and how my parents are getting a divorce and my living arrangements might get screwed up and I might have to get a job and support myself despite how stressful that might be and how it might make me fall to pieces again... well you can see how it all spirals down and I could feel like crap. Instead I dismiss all of that, it's a fantasy, it isn't real, the here and now is I'm doing a course I like. I'm improving with my acting, and it's helped me mentally as well. And in fact for this exact moment in time I'm on a break with my course and am able to rest and have no responsibilities whatsoever. I can write. Or I can sleep. Or go for a walk. Maybe do a housechore or two. Whatever. It doesn't matter. No need to stress. Here and now is ok.

 

As with anything it has to be a balance. We have to accept our past to be able to put it aside (its like if a clock is ticking and is annoying you, if you try to say the clock isn't ticking your thoughts are still on the clock and you will still hear it, but if you accept that it is ticking and allow your mind to wander elsewhere then you are done with the clock and you suddenly find you can't hear it... of course if you check to see if you can hear it you will again, you have to truly be done with it). And sometimes daydreaming into the future makes the present acceptable - how often do we have to do less than pleasant things in order to reach a goal we like? Thinking about that sought after goal is what gets us through the crappy present moment. But in essence being able to accept the here and now and not compare and see things for what they truly are, being in the moment and letting the sun shine down on you and being grateful for that second instead of fretting over where you have been or where you are going, can be the second of breath that keeps one sane.

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 4:56pm

Miss Lyra!

 

You have outdone yourself.  This is like one of the best comments ever.  Seriously...you have so much wisdom for someone so young.  We should frame this comment and keep it somewhere it is so good. 

 

Say...maybe we can have "the comment of the week."

 

You say so many good things here...I love what you say about comparisons.  This is so important and especially for people suffering from mood disorders because one day we can be functioning so well...and with ease...and the next...we come crashing down.  So the depression gets that much worse when we compare ourselves to that "good day self." 

I love your clock metaphor...

 

I am going to read this again...there is just so much good stuff here. 

 

Thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts born of your personal experiences.  It means a lot.  Whatever you do...do not stop writing!

LyraStorm
LyraStorm
5/26/10 1:00am

Thank you, Merely Me,

 

Wow! You have me grinning from ear to ear. I feel a bit bashful and guilty over feeling good about being complimented... still gotta work on that, me thinks... but you have certainly just made my day. Thank you so much. I just like joining in these discussions and I'm glad others can get things out of the stuff I babble out. Thank you again - I currently look like this: Laughing... maybe even a bit like this: Cool which is probably why I feel a bit guilty cause that seems a little egotistical, lol. Thank you

Anonymous
vannilee
5/28/10 2:51am

Enjoy those good feelings. They are honest and true feelings.
I also LOVED your clock metaphor. In fact, many mornings in the bathroom I hear a "dripping" water sound. I find myself checking and double-checking my husband's sink faucet. I re-check it even when I see the sink is dry. Then I realize (again!) that it is my WATCH TICKING that I am hearing. When I realize what it is, I stop hearing it. So your clock analogy was spot on for my reality! lol One would think I'd remember...guess I'm a slow learner! lol

 

Thank you for that insight.

CJinLV
CJinLV
5/25/10 10:48am

Hi M/M & all,

 

As always, what a deep, interesting topic! I particularly like your allusion to the "screen door"...how true!

 

My biggest hurdle (still in progress) is letting go of the past; caught between "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it" as well as understanding & acting on the concept that our future is a result of what we do in the PRESENT.

 

A wise woman once told me that we may choose to either design our life or let the past rule it. That seems to be my "rock" belief.

 

Carl

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/25/10 5:23pm

Hey

 

I like that saying...we can either choose to design our life or let the past do it. 

 

I would rather choose!

 

Here is to Now and Living life to the fullest!

 

Thanks so much for your comment.

jpw2008
jpw2008
5/26/10 10:48am

Hi all

I cant say I live in the now

But being a victim means you cant control what happened to you

A martyr means you have control but dont want to do anything about

Learned helplessness

(my understanding)

Im still new to therapy

I also have played the martyr

Jon

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/31/10 10:45am

Jon...

 

You always bring much wisdom to our discussions.  I know I have been both a victim and a martyr in my life.  It happens.

 

I hope you are having a good weekend.

Anonymous
Anonymous
5/28/10 2:36am

Often I find myself not breathing properly. Only shallow, quick breaths. At that time I try to stop, breathe until I can get a full breath, then I am better able to be in the present. My therapist has taught me many things from Buddhist philosophy and I will be forever grateful to him. Thanks for this post today.
Barb

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/31/10 10:46am

Thanks for sharing this Barb...

 

Sometimes it is good just to remember to breathe.  I hear you!

Anonymous
Minx
6/ 4/10 4:44am

While reading tonights thoughts, one thing kept coming up about Budhissom  helping people with a different way of thinking.  I think I shall go to our local library and research some books on subject  as I don't know anyone who practices this faith which sounds and seems to have been a huge help and stepping stone to feeling better about yourself and how you live from now on!

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 5/10 3:34am

Good for you for thinking outside of the box! :-)  I don't see Buddhism as a "religion", rather a way of thinking and being that has not changed for thousands of years. It transcends all religions and is what any religion is based on...compassion and living in the present.

A good book I am reading is "The Wise Heart: A Guide to the Universal Teachings of Buddhist Psychology by Jack Kornfield .  It is easy to read and is full of wonderful learnings.

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 6/10 1:47am

I liked what I read from all the comments and will try to find the time between my husbands health crisis and my own.  I have to some how figure out how I am going to get through all of this tradgedy happening at one time, I am over whelmed to say the least.  Some times I sleep, other night like this sone, sleep just keeps fighting me back and yet it is my truly only escape from reality of today and past eighteen months.   The first item on my help list will be to visit library for the book you recommended.  Thanking you  Minx

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 7/10 5:01pm

I totally understand the overwhelm of being bombarded for 18  months with "stuff" happening one after another. It is just too much, but then you take the next baby step and move forward a teeny bit. It is like eating an elephant with a tweezer!

When I was in this crazy storm of "stuff" going on, I made a timeline chart. http://www.barghahn.com/stressgraph.htm The act of putting my reality on paper (I'm a bit anal, thus the detailed graph!) did several positive things for me.
1) validate that I was NOT going crazy
2) help me accept my reality and be compassionate towards self
3) help me see there WERE lulls in the crazies when I caught
    my breath
4) gave me the feeling that "this too shall pass", not to be
    confused with "when this crisis is over, it will be the last"
5) gave me a visual to wrap my brain around my reality

None of this collected information fixed anything, I could be kinder to myself because "Geez! You've been through a LOT!" Crappola keeps happening, and it is very very difficult to stay in the present. Like now I had 2 daycare kids dump on me with warning or notice. So I'm down to ONE kid and am very stressed out due to finances.

Last weekend our 16 year old broke his collarbone. That's always stressful, even if it was a "good" break. UGH!

Oh, my son graduated yesterday from high school with high honors. We had an open house for him, and after allllll the preparation, I have NOT ONE photo of the tables or guests or even me and my husband with our son, the graduate. UGH!!!! That's one that can't be fixed and it breaks a mommy's heart.

 

Our 16yo wants to go out to Boston to look at MIT (we live in MN), and thankfully his grandma is going to pay for the trip. And just what are we going to do if he were to get accepted there?!?!?!


No wonder I'm depressed and can't ever quite get out of my hole! It never does quit, does it? I think I should update that graph. I just want to curl up in a ball right now. Luckily I have an appt tonight with my therapist. Perfect timing!


Merely Me, does everyone have one thing after another after another going on in their life? Do some of us simply not have the tolerance for stress? Are some of us magnets for "stuff" to come to us? I didn't know how overwhelmed I was these days until I started this post! UGH! Breathe, Barb...

 
Do some peop

Anonymous
Anonymous
5/28/10 2:40am

"If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry."

Anonymous
Anonymous
5/29/10 8:03pm

It wasn't until I started Dialectical Behavioral Therapy a couple years ago (I  heard about it at my support group from a man who had treatment-resistant depression & he said it was the only thing that had helped him) that I learned about "mindfulness" & living in the here & now & "participating", etc.  I started individual therapy w/the therapist who teaches the DBT group & she asked me if I ever was "present"? I didn't even know what that meant! When she explained about the concept of not regretting the past or fearing the future but just looking at today & thinking that today is OK--no catastrophe is happening right now; I can relax today.  And I realized that I NEVER did that!

 

I have bipolar disorder & my mother had a severe case of bipolar & ended up committing suicide & my father was an alcoholic so my childhood taught me to constantly be on guard as it was very chaotic & catastprophes were common! But my life is not that way now, but despite being on meds for bipolar & many years in traditional therapy (& Cognitive Therapy) I wasn't making any progress until DBT & learned the techniques taught there.

 

And now I have new challenges as I've developed chronic pain (back & now hands; see a pain doc for back as pain management is the only thing I can do for back condition & now he is sending me to a neurologist for hands as they landed me in the ER & I've had to quit my job & no one knows what the cause is yet so I am very fearful of what this is as just turning a page in a book is very painful).

Anonymous
Anonymous
5/29/10 10:41pm

It is forums like this that make me feel so "normal", whatever that is! I also grew up with a lot of abuse and was always in fight/flight mode, never just living in the present.

That is so familiar about cognitive behavior therapy...the "nothing helped" feeling. With Dialectical Behavior Therapy I feel very respected and validated. It seems my struggles and my reality are validated WHILE I'm learning and working toward changing what I can. I'm not discounted and that enables me to accept my struggles that are there. I can look at change options in the context of my life as it is, stuggles and all.

The years of being "thereapized to death" and taking only baby steps is overshadowed by the growth and insight I've had in such a short time. It feels good to stand back and be a spectator of my own life rather than having to fight/flight all the time. Interesting how life unfolds in its own time.

Merely Me
Merely Me
5/31/10 10:49am

All I can say is...thank you for these comments.  I am so glad that we can have such meaningful discussions here.

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 6/10 2:04am

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are also suffering.  Sometimes there seems to be no end in sight,  I know thats where my lhusband and I are at present.  Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does and this wears you down.  I have been on anti depressants for over 15 years and finally took myslef off 60mg. of prozac, but will stay on 150mg. of Wellbutrin and of course good old Xanax to keep me some where in center.  God forbid, i should feel too happy or sad about life.  Living the flat line life style doesn't let you down so many times.  I hope you get some answers as my husband and myself  are both in no mans' land as to what and when things will get worse, but one thing for sure is we know they are not ever going to get better.  By the way, I am an active member of the N.A.M.I. organization and we opened our own center free with help from United Way lland local businesses,  it is one place al of us can be  ourselves without someone constantly saying. "Smile it can't be that bad".Little do they know about what is good and bad in our daily struggle to just get past one more day!

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 7/10 5:32pm

Sorry if I sound like a mother hen...but I hope you didn't LITERALLY take yourself off your Prozac. Or you meant your doctor approved and so you weaned yourself off of it. There are some drugs that you can't just stop cold. I don't know if Prozac is one or not, but it is a good time to toss this tidbit out there.

Your cocktail of anti-depressant, wellbutrin, and xanax sounds exactly like mine! I have a couple hormones tossed in for good measure. ;-)

Barb

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 3/10 10:55am

It's a great idea, as the author of Be Here Now! (Baba Ram Dass) explained forty years ago.  But it won't always fly.  Many people live in present situations so polluted and pre-determined by the past and limited by the future that the only real alternative (in the Now) is to drink two six-packs and watch TV.  I'm 65.  My own lifetime mental issues leave me on social security with nothing else, which isn't enough, not by much but still not enough.  The future can only be worse.       

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 3/10 3:05pm

"Many people live in present situations so polluted and pre-determined by the past and limited by the future that the only real alternative (in the Now) is to drink two six-packs and watch TV."

 

This was sad to read. I'm sorry your life has been so difficult. On thing that jumped out at me was your reference to your past defining you and you are limited by the future.

I've spent 49 years learning about WHY my past has ruled my life. I've been a victim for way too long. Today is the only thing you can control. The past is just that...past. Not much you can do about it, but you can put it in the "already done" compartment of your brain. Can't change it.

You can choose a new path beginning today. Don't worry about future limitations as your future will unfold by itself. What you choose today will impact your future. If you have physical limitations, you can use your mind. They say (who are "they", anyway??? lol) when you are feeling badly about your life, do something good for someone else. Good luck and I hope your days can bring some joy into your life.

 

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 4/10 10:07am

I've been rereading these comments as you all are so insightful! I hope you are giving yourself credit (DBT skill).  Minx mentioned about feeling anger at someone (a parent, I believe) who never gave her love or the proper care & nurturing she should have gotten as a child.  My mother had severe bipolar & so I never got it from her (actually got quite a lot of abuse), but once I learned about her illness I realized I never knew my mother (she got sick when I was 3 when out of the blue she called my father at work & said she was going to kill the children & then herself) so I didn't "blame" her for what she did for me.  She was a tortured soul & finally did kill herself & I hope she found some peace.

 

BUT for years & years (like until I was 54 years old!!) I was so pissed off at my father because he didn't protect us from her.  He would leave us w/her when she would get released from the mental hospital knowing she would stop taking her meds & return to her abusive & "crazy" & scary state & he would go off w/his "lady friends" & his parties & continue his life.  He actually didn't even live w/us.  I guess he thought if he kept a roof over our heads he was a "good" father.

 

He did finally start the process to get her involuntarily committed to a mental institution & she found out & fled the country w/my little sister for a year (& I & my siblings were put in a boarding school where I met my future husband so something good came out of that), but when she returned she killed herself 3 days later.

 

But finally the therapist who taught my DBT class/group ( I really do think it is more of a class) who was also my individual therapist explained to me that my father was a narcissitic personality & "functioning" alcoholic & was just as "sick" as my mother & was incapable of loving me (I was always groveling before him trying to get him to love me, so much so that my husband could not bear to even listen to me talk to him on the phone even when I was 45-years-old; my husband did finally tell me that I should concentrate on my immediate family {him & our children} as my father was never going to love me & it was a useless & hurtful endeavour for me).  But when I realized he was INCAPABLE of loving me or my siblings, then I could finally "forgive" him & actually feel sorry for him as I did my mother.  He missed out on so much of life, too, by not being able to truly love others or be loved as he chose people who "used" him for their own selfish needs to have relationships with & when he became ill, they fled & left him alone.  I did come to be w/him when he died (as I am a compassionate person) & stroked him forehead & murmured to him as I lay in bed w/him & played his favorite music.  I pretended that we had love between us as I wanted a dying man to die w/some human contact & warmth, but it was very hard for me & I wasn't in a "good place" myself as it was very painful for me (before my very good therapist & DBT) so I basically got through it w/lots of GIN & cigarettes to numb myself & it was about 3 weeks as I lived out of state & he was at home so I was w/him constantly w/hospice coming in 3 mornings a week & his doc visited a couple times a week & I was giving him morphine drops in his cheek to ease his pain. 

 

I did the best I could to cope w/my pain & to be able to pretend a loving relationship to send him off to wherever the dead go.  I had compassion for another human being, but not insight yet.  Now that I have insight & he has been dead ten years, I do not have the pain & longing for love that he was incapable of giving & I am free & am learning to not confuse my husband w/my father! Now sometimes I can recognize when I over-react to something my husband says & feel a deep hurt & my husband is like, "What did I do?" (& feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me), I can stop (pause) & analyze & realize that I am having a conversation w/my FATHER! What a revelation to me that I am still trying to mend that hurt in me & that I have to get rid of that lingering influence of my not being loveable & to not confuse my husband w/my father.

 

I apologized to my husband once I realized what I had been doing for so many years.  I just realized it about 6 mos. ago & we will be celebrating our 36th wedding anniv. in a week (yes, he is a SAINT to put up w/me).  I have put my husband through so much w/my over-reacting to things & not knowing why I felt so much hurt & pain as I was reliving my childhood through him.

 

But I tell you it is so worth it to learn how to not confuse the past w/the present in relationships, in your thoughts & I'm now working on my core beliefs.  I'd better live a long time as I have so much work to do!!

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 6/10 2:27am

I reallly understood your life letter and know what you  needed from others who were supposed to love us unconditionally, but some times they are so pampered and self absorbed that it is impossible for them to notice, so we keep on trying to do everything perfect as best we can which is very hard as it never seems to come up to their stasndards anyway.  Took me a long long time to finally see what was true and what I never wanted to admit really was.  Other relatives in my family saw this long before I could even acknowledge the truth of the siltuation.  Finally now, I am doing best iI can between my health, my husbands and my Mothers, but have learned not to be there for everyone, every time they expect me to come through.  I won't be loved any more for the gestures anyway.   I think of myslef as a walking abortion, problem was there weren't any back then.  I am not sure that worked out so well for me or not,  Still hurting and no one discussing any part of the problem or my feelings which I only managed to let loose with one time in a fit of anger.  I will keep up with this site,it seems to be a good place for my situation.  I don't expect a miracle, just wished I would have been more aware of my own good qualities most of my life.Minx

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 7/10 11:57pm

"I think of myslef as a walking abortion, problem was there weren't any back then.  I am not sure that worked out so well for me or not,  Still hurting and no one discussing any part of the problem or my feelings which I only managed to let loose with one time in a fit of anger."

Minx, this makes me sad to read. NO ONE is a walking abortion. You are right, you need to take care of yourself and make decisions that are within your control. If someone doesn't like that you aren't going to be there for them at any given time, that's too bad. It isn't good for you, you can't be any good for anyone else if you aren't good for yourself.


"I will keep up with this site,it seems to be a good place for my situation.  I don't expect a miracle, just wished I would have been more aware of my own good qualities most of my life.Minx"

Remember, live in the now. NOW you are aware of your own good qualities. And there is good you can do with that knowledge for the rest of your life. And YOU know your personal truth, be true to yourself.

 

Stick around...this does seem to be a good place for your situation. A lot of caring people on here, we all have issues we are brave enough to put out there.

Barb

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 8/10 3:18am

Dear Barb:  Thank you for trying to make me feel more like a human being than I feel towards myself.  Today and tonight are a living nightmare as my husband fights to stay alive.  This is fourth time this   past thirty days that he has either been in hospital or in a rehabilitation center and then back again to hospital.  Tonight he was delusional from all the medications, all the tubes, all the tests.  I signed a release for them to put a tube in so his blood can be transfused in the hope his kidneys will start to wrok, but with everything else wrong, I don't know what next 24 hours  will  bring and I am so sad and so alone again.  We have living wills, but still this is horrible watching a person so sick !!  One thing about this experience--i never want my loved ones to be with me at end to see such a heart breaking  hopeless leaving this of this world.  This agony is not worth it  if everything else is so bad.  The next 48 hours will tell us rather he will live or die?We started out so much in love and stayed that way for so long and then bad health and depression on both our parts and withdrawal just killed our lives.  Oh the phone just came from hospital and they want me to come in and try and calm him down, he wants to come home.  He can't until they do this procedure on him.   I talked to him and he is pleading for lme to call 911 to get him out of there.  I am going over to hospital now to try to calm him down at least until we can have the Doctor so the procedure can be done or give him something to make him just sleep until  help arrives.  It is only four in the morning and the Drs. that can give permission or do the procedure won't be in yet.  Don't think this is like on t.v.,   it is not at all!!  I need to go now and try to calm him down.  Minx

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 9/10 2:00pm

Minx,
My heart goes out to you in this situation. Last year I was dealing with my dad's demise and death from Alzheimer's. It is a very gut-wrenching experience. I empathize with you. Life can feel so cruel sometimes. I hope you and your husband can find peace, in whatever form that may come. There are many people who care about you and think of you often.
{{{BIG HUGS}}} to you.
Barb

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 9/10 7:34pm

Dear Barb:  Thyank you for your kind thoughts.  Today everything went wrong, but right now he is at least peaceful as his body shuts down.  His daughters arrived this morning from New ork and are such a help to me.  We are having him moved to hospice which is just across street fromthe hospital,  No movre test, no more anything except peace.  this past month has been hell on earth.  The nurse sho is taking care of him went and got a priest for last rights which I wanted him to have even though we were not strong  members of the church.  My daughter arrives tomorrow morning.  I need a tooth pulled, but dancer Dr. says absolutley no because of bleeding, so I just have to put up with broken tooth in my mouth.  I will get my treatment tomorrow as scheduled,  and next day the pet scan, by next week I should know if it is stasying same or growing.  I am not sorry thast I stopped the prozac,  the xanax yes I do need that and also wellbutrin makes you feel happy if there is such a state anymore in this cruel world.  I am only home now because I needed to hook up to my oxygen.the two girls will stasy with hin and sleep in his room, it is a beautiful new hospice !!  I just can't stay up 48 hours anymore,  I am so tired, it is hard to sleep.  The computer late at night helps a lot.  Will keep in touch on site or if yoiu choose , you can reach me at home minx1544@aol.com    thanking you, Jjoni

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 4/10 11:08pm

Something I really struggle with is that my relationship with my husband of 21 years has been set up (by me) so that "I" am always the one who is at fault, defective, has issues, etc etc. I wonder how I got here and that by itself is depressing. We have 18yo and 16yo boys whose would would crumble if our very close family were to split up.

Our 18yo is graduating on Sunday with honors. I'm very very proud of him, but wonder if I was there for him in his preschool years. His brother had several surgeries (including repair of a defective aorta! ugh!) before he was 2 years old. I wondered if I was there enough for him. What Mommy guilt! As I was looking for graduation video stuff, I found some video that showed wonderful love and solid parenting. What a relief! Why do we guilt ourselves???

Our 16yo is one of those brainiacs and we are going for a visit to MIT in Boston later this month. How can I possibly question my parenting when I have boys that grew up to be such good people??? How could I think I wasn't at my parenting prime, planting those good seeds that are now being harvested.

But I do. Sometimes I wonder how I got in my marriage and how I chose this man. I so crave to be honored and respected. But I'm just defective, in his eyes. Then he flip-flops and is nice as can be...

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 4/10 11:08pm

Something I really struggle with is that my relationship with my husband of 21 years has been set up (by me) so that "I" am always the one who is at fault, defective, has issues, etc etc. I wonder how I got here and that by itself is depressing. We have 18yo and 16yo boys whose would would crumble if our very close family were to split up.

Our 18yo is graduating on Sunday with honors. I'm very very proud of him, but wonder if I was there for him in his preschool years. His brother had several surgeries (including repair of a defective aorta! ugh!) before he was 2 years old. I wondered if I was there enough for him. What Mommy guilt! As I was looking for graduation video stuff, I found some video that showed wonderful love and solid parenting. What a relief! Why do we guilt ourselves???

Our 16yo is one of those brainiacs and we are going for a visit to MIT in Boston later this month. How can I possibly question my parenting when I have boys that grew up to be such good people??? How could I think I wasn't at my parenting prime, planting those good seeds that are now being harvested.

But I do. Sometimes I wonder how I got in my marriage and how I chose this man. I so crave to be honored and respected. But I'm just defective, in his eyes. Then he flip-flops and is nice as can be...

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 5/10 12:17am

Congrats on your children's accomplishments! I ,too, sometimes wonder how my children could turn out so well "despite" having me as a mother.  But I really tried my hardest to be a good mother & despite my hard times of depression I still sought to make it for them.

 

I remember one time I was interviewing a new thrapist over the phone before I made an appt. w/him.  I wanted to meet w/him several times on my own & then have my husband come in as our focus was marital counseling for improving our communication skills.  The therapist refused & when I asked why he said because then you are giving yourself the impression that you are the "problem" that must be worked on more intensively than your husband & that is not true!

 

I always thought since I had the diagnosis of the mental illness I was the "sick" one & that meant I was the weaker partner or the inferior one, but that is not true.  I have many strengths in areas he does not & vice versa so we complement each other.  Because I have a mental illness does not make me inferior. I just have a medical condition that needs treatment & attention & I am doing that.

 

I am sorry your husband does not treat you w/the respect & love you deserve, but that is something you need to address.  Are you willing to allow him to treat you like that? If not, how can you address it? If you have access to therapy, I've found it very helpful in improving my communication skills so that I am assertive in communicating my needs without being aggressive.

 

Take care.

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 5/10 3:57am

Thanks for you input! I do appreciate it. I, myself, FINALLY figured out why the years and years of off/on marital therapy hasn't "worked". It is because my husband doesn't take any repsonsibility for his part of our issues. We always went to figure out how to fix me. I'm getting very clear that he, in fact, has his own issues, and I can't fix him or make him want to see and heal himself.

 

My therapist (started with him earlier this year) has taught me that there are things I can and can NOT control. When I live in the present, it is easier to think. ADHD isn't very conducive to slow and thoughtful living! The breathing is huge. Focus on myself is huge. Not buying into my husband's games is huge. So many BIG changes in such a short amount of time! Husband doesn't know what to think. He still can't hear me when I say I am "ON STRIKE" and not going to fly by the seat of my pants with meals and housekeeping.

Two or three years ago I just said "Screw it." (can I say that here?) and quit making myself crazy thinking that he or the boys would wake up one day and say "Golly, I really want to work together and plan to build the foundation of our family. The price I've paid is that he sees me as being uninvolved, he has to "do everything", and the boys aren't learning much about contributing as a member of the family. I'm thankful that they learned those family values when they were younger and I had better control over the household. When our 18yo's girlfriend's grandma suddenly passed away this past winter, the day before she/family returned to town, he went to their house and cleaned, did dishes (they left suddenly, in a rush), and proved that he DOES know how to be kind to others.

The chaos and clutter is very stressful for me and makes ADHD symptoms worse. Depression and anxiety are the frosting on my cake of life. Wooo hooo. On the other hand, I have no issue with lifting my feet up at the end of a hectic week (I operate an in-home daycare, currently with a 5 year old who tantrums!) so he can vacuum under them.

 

I find comfort in believing the barometer of how well "I" raised the boys is based on what others say about them. People don't have to say things, so I know it is genuine. It is just so flipping tiring to tend to "me". I have a big feeling of not even caring anymore about many things, not including my boys.

 

It is so good to have this group on here. Thanks all for listening and all your kind comments.

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 5/10 4:08am

I don't think I've shared this story here, but it was very meaningful for me and others may be motivated to engage in "presence" as a part of their life.

Soon after I started seeing this new DBT therapist and learning about breathing and mindfulness the weirdest thing happened one morning. I had gone to the gym at 5:30am as usual, was being very mindful about mindfulness/breathing. When I got home and ready for work, I went downstairs to my daycare and realized I was 15 minutes early. That was odd since I'm a poor judge of time and my ADHD wiring defaults to distractions.

I waited for the 10 month old who was the only one here for hat day. After he got here and he finished breakfast, It felt like it was probably 9 or 9:30. It was only 7:45! That was odd, very odd since I felt like it was later. I brushed it off as being a sign of a quirky day that would last forever! I started thinking about lunch around what I felt was 11:30 and here it wasn't even 10:00. That creeped me out, so I called a friend and told her about it. She is a thinker and just said "That's cool." but wasn't alarmed or anything. Then 3rd time it happened that day I figured out it was probably my time WAS going slower due to my newly aquired mindfulness skills. Once that notion settled in, I liked it. The breathing was making very real changes in my life.

Has this happened to anyone else? I'd love to hear any stories.

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 6/10 12:20pm

I think it was Minx who mentioned having some severe chronic health issues, which I have developed (not only bipolar, acute anxiety, PTSD & ADHD) & from gaining 50 lbs. being on Abilify for about 15 years (off Abilify now) but still on Lamictal & other psych meds, but now on blood pressure & cholesterol meds & blood sugar was in diabetic range (have been able to bring that down after taking a diabetes educ. class), but now I've developed chronic back pain that also involved my hands & arms & shoulders & I ended up in the ER several mos. ago.  The tests (MRI's, x-rays, bone scans, etc.) show several different conditions w/surgery not being an option so seeing a pain management doc who has helped somewhat but the increasing pain & numbness in hands & wrists is not "acting" like pinched nerve pain from the herniated & bulging discs (can't do surgery on them {saw a neuosurgeon & orthopeudic surgeon as I also have a lot of arthritis in the same area & the surgery most likely sould speed up the progress of the arthritis & THAT would cause me to need numerous surgeries for the arthritis} as he thought the hand & wrist pain was from pinched nerves also & was not responding to the steroids I got in the IV at the ER (but the shoulders & arms did) so now he is sending me to a neurologist as my younger brother by one year has a neurological condition that is genetic & is inherited by 50% of the offsping if inherited through the father (which it is in our family) & it is adult-onset & has symtpoms similar to MS & ALS w/no treatment.  My brother started having symptoms about 5 years ago w/double vision & has now lost the use of his legs.  Reading about it everyone has individual symptoms (one lady did start out w/the hand pain like mine that includes the feeling of burning hot nails being pounded into your palm & fingers; I feel like I should have stigmata) & the progress of the "condition" (they don't even call it a disease) is individual, too, as to how rapidly you deteriorate, though it seems most people do end up in wheelchairs.

 

It also can cause cognitive & psychiatric disorders (wow, all I need is more of that as I already have the genetics for that through my mother having had bipolar).  I see the neurologist in about 15 days.

 

But I did buy a book (don't have it w/me so can't give th full title or author, but will when I return home if you are interested) called something like:  Full Catastrophic Living & I believe it is how to apply the skills learned in DBT & other kinds of therapeutic skills & coping skills to address chronic health issues to increase the joy & satisfaction of life despite facing all these kinds of scary life matters & facing the unknowns of all these kinds of health issues.

 

I hope my insurance co. will pay for the test as it is very expensive & takes 4-6 weeks to get the results (while the neurologist looks at ALL other possibilities, as well, of course), but the test is virtually 100% accurate. If they don't pay for it I'll wait & see if my symptoms progress & then save up to pay for it myself & then get it as it will be important for me to find out for my children's benefit as if there is no "treatment" or "cure" there is really no benefit for my knowing one way or the other. 

 

But if it passed through the mother the odds of the offspring inheriting the genes for it are less than if it comes through the father so that at least is a positive, IF I have it.  I'm not going to worry about it or "deal" w/it yet, as I don't have the definitive diagnosis or full info.  And so I'm just going to enjoy today as I've worried so much about so much in my life & it hasn't helped me a damn bit.  And today is sunny, my husband just fixed a fantastic omelette for breakfast that we ate outdoors in the sunshine w/a fruit salad, & I don't "have" to do anything excepot brush my teeth, shower, do a few dishes & then whatever chores there are to do can be done "if I feel like it."  I have some good books I want to read & sunshine beckoning me.  We're on vacation until tomorrow.  (I had to quit my job of 20 years in March due to the pain in my hands not allowing me to continue to work efficently.)

 

When I know what I have to face, then I will face it.

vannilee
vannilee
6/ 7/10 5:15pm

Sorry about your health issues. I can't imagine. I'm confident you will deal with it when you know what "it" is for sure. Hopefully your insurance will be cooperative! I've heard that accupuncture has been helpful for some. Have you ever tried it? Sounds like you've been through the wringer!

The book you mentioned was maybe Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn? It looks like a good book. I put it on my "wish list" in Amazon. If I only had a USB port on the side of my head, I could simply download an electronic version!  

 

Barb


Anonymous
Anonymous
6/ 8/10 10:15am

I was so sorry to read about the situation you are in w/your husband being so ill & it sounds like you are doing so much & not getting much relief from anyone (even the docs; let them calm him down in the middle of the night so you can get some sleep so you can deal better w/all you have to face the next day!).  My father refused to be in the hospital or nursing home as he was dying so I was there w/him 24/7 & after that experience & being in the bed when he actually died while stroking his forehead & murmuring softly to him, I agree w/you &  I told my husband to make sure I was in a hospital or nursing home or hospice facility that the children could come & "visit" me for a short time & then LEAVE as I didn't want them to go through what I did w/being w/my father when he died.

 

It is of no use for them to sit there & see me suffer.  Let them "visit" me for 20-30 min. & I'll do my best to put up a good front & then let them leave so I can suffer without them watching me.  I don't want them to have to watch me die like that.  It is really, really, hard & I think it is actually selfish for the dying person to make someone take care of them at home or be their primary caretaker as it seems your husband is.

 

You are suffering, too, & worn out & you need support & help, too.

 

When my husband was going through an awful time a few years ago of surgeries to remove several tumors in his abdomen & facing a "year of hell" the doc said w/cancer treatment & then all the biposies (painful needle biposy in the lungs) & then the tests & scans & waiting for results to see if things were "clear", he had SO MANY friends (he is a very socialable guy at his tennis club) step up & their wives & they brought meals, visited in the hospital, hugged me (I was not nearly as close to them as my husband was) & many of them were doctors themselves so they allowed me to call day or night & they would answer my questions, calm my fears & visited him at home when he was released from the hospital & TREATED him at home as he was one of those unlucky ones that came down w/an awful illness caught at the hospital after an 8-hour surgery.  He was sicker from that illness than from recovering from the surgery.  It was scary as he was almost "dead."  Just slept & drank loads of fluids--so much so that I was afraid that he might have developed diabletes suddenly! His friend (one of the docs) tested him for me & he hadn't developed diabetes, but the illness he had "caught" in the hopsital really put him through the wringer & he had to use a breathing device; it was awful. 

 

I did think the doc released him from the hospital too soon after an 8-hour surgery to remove 4 tumors in his abdomen (released after about 36 hours & I was scared about him coming home so soon) but I guess he did it to try to prevent his catching this illness (to no avail) as the doc said he would be in a healthier recovery environment at home as all his vitals were fine at that point.

 

But all these people came out of the woodwork! I have no contact w/any family members so no help there & his siblings live out of state & aren't that close & busy w/their careers so it was really amazing for all these people to be so warm & when I returned to work at the tennis club (where I used to work before my own health issues forced me to quit this last March) one lady I only know by name asked how my husband was & then she said, "You don't know HOW MANY people have been praying for him!"  Neither ny husband nor I attend a church & I was again brought to tears to hear about STRANGERS praying for my husband's recovery.  It was an incredible experience (scary but incredible to see all these people "come out of the woodwork" w/prayers & help & concern & warmth).

 

Minx, if your husband is in a hospital or nursing home or a hospice facility (I had hospice coming in to see my father 3 mornings a week to help bathe him & they were very helpful in telling me what to expect as signs that he was nearing the end as far as his breathing & his refusing to take fluids or nourishment as he was "telling me he was ready to go" & his doc who came in to see him a couple times a week or more if I called him agreed when my father started to refuse fluids & food; the doc said to just keep him as comfortable as possible w/the morphine)--I think the nurses, docs, etc., there should be helping YOU, too.

 

As I said the hospice people who came to the house were helpful to me.  They educated me.  They hugged me.  They came to my father's memorial service.

 

And when my daughter was born 2 1/2 mos. premature (33 years ago!!) the nurses in the pediatric ICU were like mothers to me; they helped me w/my stress & had a small room for me to sleep in as I usually stayed at the hospital pretty much 24/7 as I had my daughter while on vacation out of state & my husband had to go back to work in a couple weeks while she was still in the hospital.

 

I really think you should let them know your husband is calling you at all hours begging you to get him out of there & all those kinds of things.  That is putting undue stress on you & it is not right to put you in that position.  It is NOT YOUR DECISION as to whether he is well enough to go home.  You are not his doc & you should not be put in that position (PLUS you need to consider if YOU are able to care for him right now; if you are not up to par, he may need to stay in the hospital a few days more or go to a rehab facility until YOU are strong enough to care for him or both of you will "go under" & what would be the point of that?) & if your husband doesn't understand that, I don't think he should be making ANY phone calls in the middle of the night or any unmonitored phone calls as he could be calling other people & asking outrageous stuff, as well.

 

Being in the hopital is really stressful as is being ill, but if you are to be any help to him at all you need to take care of yourself & that means beng assertive about not allowing him to do things that are not helpful, are not in his or your best interest & really, should not be happening at all, in my opinion.  He is under the care of professionals & part of their job is to monitor his activities & he should not be badgering you like that.

 

OK--sorry, off the soapbox.  Just having gone through being the one person most "in charge" of my father as he was in his final days & being w/him as he did pass away, I had to take control of some situations that were not helpful FOR ME as I had to hold myself together the best I could (& I admit I used the gin bottle & cigararettes w/regularity as I did not yet have very good coping skills, because I hadn't started DBT).  But some people wanted to, like, drop by for a SOCIAL  VISIT  w/flowers & my father is lying in bed, barely getting by on the morphine drops I put inside his mouth every 4 hours that his doc said I could do more frequently as his pain increased & he quit eating & drinking (he died 3 days after that)! I'm sorry, people, but I'm in no frame of mind to fix you tea & cookies & visit when I'm taking care of a dying man (& doing all the caretaking that is necessary for a bedridden person).  Excuse me while I go change a diaper! NOW do you want me to fix you a snack???  I just thought it was amazing how some people have no clue!

 

Sorry to ramble on so much.  I DO hope your husband is doing better & you have found a solution to your difficult situation.  Take care...

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/13/10 5:07am

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COJPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF OUR SITUATION.   MY HUSBAND DID PASS AWAY ON FRIDAY, BUT A GREAT NURSE AT HOSPITAL WHO LEFT HIM FALL TWICE AND SITUATION WAS NOT UNDER CONTROL FOR WHICH HE SUFFERED BABLY.  SHE GOT HIM OVER TO HOSPICE WHRE ALL MOST IMMEDIATLY THE CALMNESS AND CARE WERE NATURAL.  THE GIRLS WERE ABLE TO STAY WITH HIM 24/7 AND DID.  AT LEAST AT END HE WAS CALM AND FREE OF THE PAIN..   THEY SEEMED TO KNOW TO ADMISTER  JUST RIGHT AMOUNT AND WHEN TO.  OUR NEEDS WERE MET WITH FRESH   MEALS AND EVERY COMFORT A PERSON COULD ASK FOR.  i COULD NOT HAVE CARRIED ON MUCH LONGER.  LUCKILY INSTEAD OF HAVING THE PET SCAN I CANCELED THIS FRIDAY, HE DIED THEN.  THEY HAVE RESCHEDULED MY TEST FOR LMONDAY AND WAVED THE NUCLEASR COST THAT IS LOST IF YOU DO NOT SHOW UP FOR THE TEST ON TIME.  hOW DID i KNOW TO NOT HAVE IT DONE, NO IDEA, BUT SOMEONE ELSE STEPPED IN AND SO I WAS WITH HUSBAND AT END.  THANKING YOU FOR REALLY WALKING IN MY SHOES AND UNDERSTANDING HOW DESPERATE ONE CAN BECOME.  MINX

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/13/10 9:56am

Minx:  It sounds like you are at peace with how your husband's passing transpired.  I'm glad of that.  Please accept my condolences.  I hope that will find some time of respite for yourself after all you've gone through & that you have supportive friends & family you can lean on.  Please take good care.

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/14/10 3:02am

Thanking you once again for your uneerstanding of our complete situation.  It is over for him but I have no idea what or when my turn arrives.  Today, I have the PET scan that I canceled on Friday , which turned out to be a very lucky thing.  Today, after all was done,  I fell asleep for hours and needed to be by myself even though people keep telling me not to push them away.  I am not used to needing help with any situations that have come up in past and I do have a way of  wanting to do everything on my own.  There are many very real reasons for this, but I prefer not to start in on that , it will not change if it hasn't by now.  My step daughters really got me through this ordeal, not just this one, but from time I was told  about my lung cancer.   Every day, one or the other call me and they also understood from visits how difficult their Father could become.  Up to that time, I felt inadequite and angry over the constant demands and responsiblities that I just couldn't cope with anymore.  I really felt that he would out live me,  So once again here I am alone and everyone goes back to their very full and happy lives, as it should be.  I will go back to volunteering in the group we started ten years ago to help others with depression and other similar problems.  I can relate to them and after fighting my own battle with this, can understand and help others more than most.  You do not get to choose your illness, and that is a fact, but you can learn with  compassion and support how to live every day , some good , some bad with your issues.  As I tell so many "There is no Magic Pill", acceptance and  hope on their part can make life a bit easier and sometimes even content.  Seemslike fate has stepped into  my life once again and sent me to this site for what I need now!

vannilee
vannilee
6/14/10 11:20pm

Minx,

 

Hugs to you as you are dealing with this new loss in your life. Your new normal will develop in time.

 

"You do not get to choose your illness, and that is a fact, but you can learn with compassion and support how to live every day"

I pulled this quote out of your post because "WITH COMPASSION" jumped off the screen at me. Please be compassionate with yourself as you are navigating this difficult time. Allow yourself time to grieve in your own time and your own way. Allow others to share kindness and support with you, as it will help both you AND them. It would be a lovely gift to give those who want to help you...the satisfaction and honor of helping you through this time. More people care than you know.

Take care of YOU...
Barb

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/15/10 3:03am

You certainly  seem to be able to see into my personality deficits and the one and only biggest problem I have is letting others help me.  I don't know how!!  I have been taking care of my emotions and problems for so long ALONE,  that  I have no idea how to let others into my sadness  or approaching cancer situation with myself now.  I sent them all off today for some enjoyment and I went to have this three month ct/pet scan, but without even waiting for results on thursday with the Doctor,  I all ready know that things have gotten worse, so what do I do?  I truly wish that both my husband and myself could have gone at the same time.  I have had my time here and am very tired of struggle with my own aloneness and feelings of emptyness and no joy for past years with day to day living.  I looked at all the paperwork and things that I have to do now and it is just getting too much for me.  I want some peace and no more responsibility for myself, and to let all the happy ones in my life continue to be just that,  I have nothing else to give back anymore.  I just want it to be over .  No more treatments, or waiting for test results ,  hurting the ones who do care about me.My fondest desire would be to go to bed this week and not wake up,  the pain of living has just become over whelming right to the core of my soul.  I am grateful to have found this site at present time to let my real feelings express  how I feel about life.  I don't know how many others can relate to this non-existance  that has become my reality of life as I  see it.  Thanking you, Minx

Anonymous
Anonymous
6/15/10 10:32am

Minx:  I can feel your exhaustion.  You are mentally, physically & emotionally spent.  I do think a lot of rest is necessary & it IS hard for other people to understand the "not wanting to wake up" feelings if they haven't had to fight through so many obstacles & challenges just to survive on a day-to-day basis.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? I do attend DBT group & see the therapist who leads this group individually, as well.  I've been learning the mindfullness techniques to help w/my mental illness symptoms & have been in chronic pain for about 1 1/2 years.  Finally, the pain management doc sent me to a neurologist (have already seen an orthopeudic surgeon & neurosurgeon) after his "treatments" were not helping & I ended up in the ER w/the pain just too unbearable.  I do have an untreatable neurological condition that is genetic (my younger brother has it as well & his has progressed much faster than mine so he is in a wheel chair & unable to drive due to vision deficiencies).

 

But I have just started reading Full Catastrope Living:  Using the Wisdom of Your Body & Mind to Face Stress, Pain, & Illness by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. & it looks like it is going to be very helpful.  I don't know about you, but I have not lived my life in the present, fully participating, & I'm 55-years-old & am facing a future that doesn't look that appealing (constant pain & dealing w/my mental health issues), but learning to be in the present is giving me a new perspective--how I can find some joy despite all the other stuff in this one moment right now & if pain or emotional issues are draining me, I can rest up & prepare myself for another moment (or few hours or day) of peace, even JOY, which is such a foreign idea when I have all this negative stuff in my life.

 

When circumstances in life are out of control or seem to be getting out of control, our deepest insecurities can erupt.  If you have a chronic illness or disability that prevents you from doing what you used to be able to do whole areas of control may go up in smoke.  The distress you feel is compounded by the emotional turmoil when you know your condition seems beyond even your doctor's control.

 

Dealing w/the "full catastrophe" captures something positive about the human spirit's ability to come to grips w/what is most difficult in life & to find within it room to grow in strength & wisdom.  Facing the catastrophe means finding & coming to terms w/what is most human in ourselves.  Everyone is an individual & everyone has his or her own version of the full catastrophe.

 

The book talks about embracing the full catastrophe.  Rather than allowing circumstances to destroy us or rob our power & our hope, the storms of life will strenghten us as they teach us about living, growing, & healing in a world of flux & change & sometimes great pain (physical or otherwise).  So I am actually quite optimistic about my future (when a few weeks ago I told my husband I could not stand this pain much longer & as my mother committed suicide when I was a teenager & I have attempted a few times myself due to my deep depressions the thought of "not waking up" has very often been an option in the back of my mind though my children {they are now 34 & 31} have provided a deterrent since their births all times except once 3 years ago as I know the impact of having a mother commit suicide).

 

I'm hoping that learning how to apply the mindfullness techniques to my physical pain will have the same positive results it has had when I'm dealing w/emotional pain.

 

I've paraphrased some of the book's intro. above to try to explain its premise so hopefully it is something that might be helpful for you.

 

Please give yourself time to rest & "regroup" before making any major decisions.  All my best to you...

vannilee
vannilee
6/17/10 11:46pm

Minx,

I feel the pain in your 'voice' and you are so overwhelmed and exhausted. You said "I looked at all the paperwork and things that I have to do now and it is just getting too much for me.  I want some peace and no more responsibility for myself, and to let all the happy ones in my life continue to be just that,  I have nothing else to give back anymore."

Do you feel able to jot down even a couple things that need to be done ie paperwork, etc? Then you could ask the person you feel closest to if they would help you by getting some of the things done. As silly as it seems, maybe practice with asking if they would run to the store and pick up __________ for you. That would be super easy so you wouldn't feel like you were being a problem for them. You'll then see how happy they were to help you. I'm sure you'll be pleasantly surprised and feel some relief.

If you look at it from the different angle, it may help your thinking...you could give back to the "happy ones" by allowing them to help you. Think of how helpless you felt with your husband's situation. That's how others are feeling about yours. They would love to take some of the burden off of you.

It is so hard to ask for help when you have always been the strong one holding it all together. Baby steps...

Take care of you,

Barb

freshorses
freshorses
4/27/11 2:58pm

Practicing gratitude, appreciation, and forgiveness...living as honestly as possible and living authentically with integrity with no regrets. Understanding that living life fully means accepting the responsibility of doing our very best, and adjusting when we experience new ways of looking at life. <3

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By Merely Me— Last Modified: 04/27/11, First Published: 05/24/10