We have had a little time theme recently on My Depression Connection where I began with a post called, "How to Deal with Depression by Staying in the Present" where I talked about how my focus on the present helps me to survive many of my varied life challenges including having a chronic illness. Next, John wrote about his personal experiences in therapy and how he had to deal with his past in order to enjoy the life he has now in his post, "Getting Depression out of the Present"

I realize that there are a lot of psychological buzz words, if you will, from self help books and gurus and sometimes the mere mention of them sends people into a tizzy.  Phrases such as "The Now" and "staying in the present" can cause people's eyes to glaze over until the reader is not actually reading what you are saying.  I do want you to know that when I write something of my personal life...you aren't going to find it in some self help book...because...well... it is my life.  What I write about has personal meaning to me because I have lived it. 

What I always hope to give to you is my honesty and integrity as a writer and as a human being trying to deal with my depression the best way that I know how.  Am I an "expert"?  No...I am really not.  Sorry to disappoint.  I loathe that label and although some embrace it, I do not.  I am a mom.  I am a writer.  And I am a patient who suffers from depression.  I am a real flesh and blood human being who suffers just as you do.

I wanted to expand my discussion about the time elements of past, present and future and how they relate to our growth and especially with relation to therapy.  I am going to give you my no holds barred opinions about these topics and I hope you do the same. 

My first experience with therapy was when I was a young adult in my early twenties. Even at this young age I had two decades of traumatic life experiences to wade through. I feel very strongly that your twenties is a great time to undergo therapy as you enter your young adult years. I can tell you that I spent about five years dealing with all the stuff that happened to me in my childhood and teen years and it still didn't seem enough.

But even though my therapist and I talked a lot about my past, we always merged those early experiences with my present. What good does all this talk about the past do if you don't use what you have learned for living right now?

Here are some things I learned from this early therapeutic experience:

•  I feel  that it is critical to talk about your past experiences in therapy as they are a part of you. There is no way to simply dismiss or ignore your past and think everything will be hunky dory. The main point I want to make is that you do not need to be a prisoner of your earlier experiences and memories. If your entire focus is on your past and how you are a victim in life then you won't make it very far in your personal growth.
  
•  Dealing with your past is hard work. It isn't for the faint of heart. Therapy isn't some passive thing where you go in and the doctor "fixes" you. You are working your butt off to move beyond reciting what has happened to you and begin using those insights gained to function in the present.
  
• You are not special because a bunch of bad stuff has happened to you. You don't get to wear a badge for that. You earn respect and self esteem for what you DO with those experiences and how you transform your life.
  
• The best way to deal with the past is to be conscious of how it affects you right now.  Are you repeating maladaptive behaviors you have learned from others?  Are you still holding onto a victim role even though you are an adult with power and choices?  Are you trying to resurrect past relationships so you can "get it right"?  An example would be choosing a partner who is as abusive as your parent was and then attempting to change them.  Can you be not only aware of your past but also break those old behavioral patterns?
  
• You are ultimately responsible for your life and happiness.  You may have had a rotten childhood.  You may have experienced trauma.  You may have a lot of rage about these things which you need to explore in therapy.  But these people from your past are not coming back to say they are sorry.  They are not coming back to make things right or to be responsible for you.  As bad as things may have been for you, you are still responsible for your life.  Getting stuck in the quagmire of blame and bitterness is not going to help you to move on with your life.

The merging of the past with my present was extremely painful work.  I didn't want to do it as I thought it would crush me.  I felt that if I began to let all that emotion out that I would drown in it.  But I didn't.  I want you to know that you can survive the sometimes grueling process of therapy and emerge far stronger than you ever thought possible.