What things would I like to change now ?  Where I live. Im miles away from Support Groups, Im not near nature or trees.

Scale ? This week was about a 6.  One good thing happened, I had been fighting through politicians for a house move and the Council are now going to move me, it wont be very far but will have a small easy to maintain back garden and be Arthritis friendly. I have made efforts to try and not be living as much a hermit existance as I am via meeting some old friends [married].

I got out more and walked quite abit.

My Lexapro was put up to 30mg because of Depression and I developed dreadful Acne on my face, really dreadful ! [I had acne for years and it ruined my teenage years and I wouldnt go out for days with it] so, Ive gone down to 20mg and am doing my best on that. I dont see P Doc until 24th June  [in public  you cant phone and bring apts. forward] so am doing all I can to avoid Toxic relatives, avoid people who bring me down. Sad news.ETC

Worst part- Another Stray Cat whose wandered into my life  was thrown from a Car, hes scared, but not of me, I discovered [im bringing him to be neutered tommorw] that he has a massive tumour [?] and also a fracture and Fox bites. I just dont have the money [Vets are huge money here] so kindest thing may be to have him put down. this is very upsetting for me.

Thats it.

Hi Pau,  Thanks for your kind words, and advise. Ive always worked in animal welfare [volunarily] somehow, animals seem to 'know' who to come to. This fella is wild, but lets ME stroke his tummy, coz i do relate well to all injured and abused animals. This is a v dangerous Road, so my guess is that they hoped he'd be killed by a Car. This is a common occurence in Ireland and we are now called 'The puppy farm capital of Europe'  better not think about it - its Depressing ! I do what I can which is constructive.    re- ACNE   Paul, you are in the dime place with regard to Acne. I had the 'Mother of all Acne' from beautiful clear skin that was admired by all, I got this dreadful Monster Acne, The Devils rain on my face and neck.  I had huge Boils, pustules, blackheads [the embarrassment of that as I washed my face 4 timed daily !!!   I went from being 2nd in class at the pageant, to being Ugly Ducking with this disfigurement.   I think its quite attractive in a man, especially the pock marks - think Richard Burton ??  But on a woman. I hid for years.   You couldnt have been as bad as me, How come the big Red goozers always go for the top of your nose like Rudolf or a clown ?

Didn't get much sleep last night AGAIN (have chronic pain & pain management doc has been able to help only so much so he is sending me to a neurologist).  I have way TOO MANY things that I would like to change so in order to not depress myself further & get overwhelmed I'm only concentrating on a couple--weight loss (put on 50 lbs. on the anti-psychotic medication so now on meds for high blood pressure & cholesterol & testing in diabetic range, but taking a diabetes educ. class to try to avoid meds for that, too, as both my parents were diabetic & I don't want to take any more meds); trying to get some balance in my life as I feel like circumstances are controlling me & I'm not living my own life, but just reacting to things life is throwing at me; get some semblance of a schedule so that I can do necessary things for weight loss & health like exercise & healthy food preparation & have time to enjoy my husband & a good book & the sunshine.

Things that have helped: 

WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan--offered for no charge through NAMI {National Alliance on Mental Illness}, DBSA {Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance} & other organizations).  WRAP helps you develop a "tool box" of things that help you maintain stability & keep you "on track" as it would be very easy for me to give up because of feeling overwhelmed rather than doing something about it like eliminating people who are not helpful even if they are family members, but if they are so negative & "takers" & drain me, they have to go!

Taking "baby steps" to get my life organized (masses of paperwork due to mail order medications & so many different docs & therapy & DBT & insurance co. messing up).  One way I do this is to set a timer for only 15 min. & work on a project or chore (if a chore I rush around in a frenzy as it is "mindless" & it is amazing how much laundry can be folded or the kitchen counter cleared or rooms straightened up, etc. in 15 min.).  Also, that gets me going (have bad procrastination habit due to feeling scattered & overwhelmed) & often will continue the chore or project once the initial 15 min. is over, but if not feeling like continuing I still fell "successful" & reward myself w/some reading time.

Individual therapy (FINALLY found a therapist who is really helping me change my core beliefs & dysfunctional coping skills, etc. instead of just sympathizing w/me & telling me, "No wonder you feel the way you do."  For me intellectual understanding of why I think & feel in non-healthy ways doesn't help me not do it!! Knowledge isn't powerful enough for me to change! I need tools & have gotten them from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

Also, have benefitted from EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing) for PTSD.  Love all thes acronyms!!

Getting a meds provider who spends 45 min. w/me (psychiatric nurse practictioner) who really know me & my life & works in collaboration w/me.

Writing up a schedule each day so I don't flounder around, but get things accomplished & I do schedule in reading or knitting time.

Try to combat my natural desire to isolate by attending a support group, taking classes (knitting, computer, tennis, etc.) as I find it too intimidating to try to be one on one w/a person.  In a group w/a focus then you can always talk about your dropped stitiches of lousy overhead shot! If I haven't left the house for a couple days & have no plans to I'll go to a coffee shop w/a book to just be around human beings as I find if I don't I do become almost agorophobic (sp?).

When going through a depression remind myself I've been through this before & can make it through it again & use tools learned in DBT.  Remind myself I will not always feel depressed & hopeless.  Read motivational books or listen to talks on ted.com or listen to something humorous on the PBS web site like "Wait, wait, don't tell me!"

Look back & see what progress I've made (55 now & been ill since I was 15).

Have gratitude for my loving & loyal & saintly husband of 36 years & my wonderful 2 children who love me despite having me as a mother & want to spend time w/us.  When we get together (children live in different states) we laugh so much about my antics (husband calls me "Lucy" as in Lucy Ricardo) & also my husband's, as he has done quite a few himself like giving me grief about how long it takes me to pack for a trip & how I overpack & then once when we arrived in Hawaii & he realized he (the fast & perfect packer) had forgotten to pack any underwear but didn't want to admit it said he needed to go to the drug store to "get underwear (meant to say "film") for my camera!" He couldn never pass a lie detector test!

Dump the perfectionistic ideas that immobolize me from even starting many things.  Learn when it is OK to just do an OK job.  Write down a time schedule for dinner parties or I'll end up washing walls (perfectionism & a bit of germ phobia combined is not a good combo!) at 5:00 p.m. when the guests are arriving at 5:30 & I haven't started dinner or taken a shower (have actually done that & had to cancel the dinner party & claim I was "ill" which I actually was as I couldn't stop cleaning).

Help other people through volunteer work (like co-leading a support group for women in the local jail w/a therapist) or teaching a class through NAMI to mental health providers from a "consumer's" point of view or speaking to community groups like the Kiwani's to try to reduce stigma, etc.  but also have to be careful to not sign up for too much, because then my life balance goes out of whack again (hard for me to say "no").

When I think about it, there are so many tools & resources that are available to us nowadays.  My mother had severe bipolar & committed suicide when I was 15.  Nowadays she may have been helped.  So even if we have depression, bipolar, anxiety or other mental health problems we have so many opportunities to get as healthy as possible & I count all of you here as being helpful to me, too.  You all are very supportive, kind, insightful & genuine.

Thanks so much for such interesting dialog.