In a previous post we discussed ways caregivers, friends, and family can provide emotional support to their loved ones. We specifically talked about how things like empathy, acceptance, and validation can go a long way in opening the doors to communication between you and your depressed friend or loved one. As a person who has been on both sides of that door as both a helper and as a recipient of help, I have come to some conclusions about which helping strategies are effective and which are not.
The thing to remember is that friends and family don’t always know how to help. They may be feeling confused, frightened, or frustrated by your symptoms of depression. Think of the conversation between the two parties as a work in progress. What can speed along this progress is for the depression sufferer to be candid and honest about what methods of support help and what doesn’t help. Speak up for yourself about what you want because you cannot depend upon others to read your mind. At the same time we also hope that family and caregivers become more educated about how to best interact and support their loved one with depression.
I am hoping that this post will be of benefit in this on-going and interactive process.
Three Ways Support Can Go Wrong:
1. Over-Identification
I suppose there are many definitions out there for this term. It is sometimes used in talking about therapy as in a therapist has over-identified with their patient or client. Practice Central, a service of the APA Practice Organization, which provides “information and resources for practicing psychologists in all settings and at all stages of their career” gives this advice and guidance to therapists working with trauma victims:
“Therapists working with trauma survivors commonly experience a sense of over-identification with a client (Stamm, 1999). This can lead to a blurring of therapeutic boundaries, with the therapist relying on the use of advice giving, self-disclosure, and perhaps intentional contact with the client outside of therapy sessions.”
This is what happened to me in my last therapeutic encounter. My therapist wanted me to discuss the sexual abuse which happened to me when I was a young girl. But in doing so he began to take over the sessions with stories of his own sexual abuse and put feelings onto my experience which were not there. There was a overstepping of boundaries in his therapist role and I finally had to quit going to him for therapy because his over-identification was re-traumatizing me. But over-identification doesn’t just happen in the therapy-patient relationship. It also happens among friends and loved ones.
Over-identification to me means that the person attempting to give support is going beyond the realm of empathy and is projecting their own feelings and life experience onto the other person. What happens when over-identification taking place is the experience and feelings of the person suffering from depression get hijacked by the person giving support. The person helping may key in on certain words or experiences and begin telling their own story which may or may not relate to the person who needs support.
10 Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression 
6 Behavior Changes During Depression 
Getting to Know Your 5 Essential Brain Chemicals 
7 Ways to Make the Concrete Jungle Greener 
Thanks, Merely Me, for the good article. My mother is a good example of both an over-identifier and a minimizer. She minimizes if she doesn't have something of her own to top you with or goes off on a trip down her memory lane when she overidentifies. It's very true that when these kinds of things happen, you can hardly trust the person to listen to you and that can cause feelings of despair and also shame, as in "I am bad to be feeling this way." My incredibly awful boss that I had before I retired told me one day that she knew the reason I was depressed was because of something between me and a co-worker! So I'd better get over it and get back on track or some action might have to be taken. People like her will make a weak stab at trying to understand and then they grow impatient. Sadly, you DO have to be careful whom you talk to and I think this also contributes to the existence of stigma. You have to keep this part of yourself hidden to avoid judgment. I've learned that lesson well and the people I can be open with are very, very few. But that's okay now, I can't make anyone else change and if they can't accept me anyway, too bad. It's really bad when a therapist does this to you - when that happened to me, it was like I couldn't even PAY someone to be non-judgmental.
I'll be interested in hearing from other people, too, about this. I think that in the workplace, some things could be done to improve this situation, but it would take a quantum change in mindset to happen any time soon.
Oh Judy
What a horrid boss you had. Threatening you because you were depressed? That is just awful. I think there is a sub-class of folk who do need therapy but never think they are the problem or have problems...but instead cause others to seek therapy in how to deal with them. I am sorry you experienced this kind of treatment.
I think when something bad happens in your life...you really get to see who are true friends or even just...nice people. Sometimes strangers can be much kinder than the people in our families sad to say.
I am also eager to hear from others...if they can see my post. :>)
Thanks for commenting Judy and as always...so good to see you.