hi mm

I find that very interesting

I was with someone like that

I guess I didnt realize some of that had rubbed off on me

Jon

You said it all, MM.  One other thing, I think, is that the person could also have a personality disorder (there are various kinds) where depression is just part of it.  My mother, for example, has probably been depressed all her life, but I would also guess that she has a narcissistic personality disorder.  Everything is about her; if it's about someone else, she finds a way to make it about her and then either pouts or plays the martyr if you don't pay enough attention to her.  It's sad, really, because it's very hard to be around her.  I've never been able to share anything with her because she doesn't hear it because she's thinking of the next thing she's going to say about her own life.  She's also an example of someone who acts like they want help but never get it.  She won't change doctors or get second opinions no matter how miserable she is.  The few times she's actually done something on her own behalf have usually ended up being unsuccessful, partly because I think that's what she's expecting.

I don't think we have to tolerate manipulative behavior, even if the person is depressed.  Being direct about it may not work if they're in a bad place, but knowing this is what's happening might help you not let yourself get sucked into acting out of guilt.  It's still hard - I can say this and yet can't always escape it!

sylvia

1/10/11 12:55am

" I don't think we have to tolerate manipulative behavior, even if the person is depressed.  Being direct about it may not work if they're in a bad place, but knowing this is what's happening might help you not let yourself get sucked into acting out of guilt.  It's still hard - I can say this and yet can't always escape it!"

 

This really lighten me up as how i understand the picture. Well, what i can say is i came up to a solution of " silent is golden " This is becoz whenever i try to talk to my mom to solve a problem, she will be that want backing up and leave the conversation with the thinking of "she dont deserve this" after screaming and yelling at me. Well, tried many times where the conversation ended up with no solution. So as time goes by, the best way for me to react to it is "silent"...i am not sure am i doing the right thing....

Judy

1/10/11 9:39am

Sylvia, sometimes being silent is all you can do, especially if you know you won't be heard.  It's sad, isn't it?  We shouldn't have to live with that, but we don't have control over what the other person does, all we can control is how WE act.  I think some people just don't have it in them to listen.  Maybe they're too scared inside to hear anything besides their own voice.

 

You take care and hope we hear from you again.

Is it possible for someone to be manipulative w/o realizing what they are doing at the time?  When I didn't know how to verbally ask for help, I acted out hoping others would see I needed help.  Twice I attempted suicide when it was only a gesture; and I went to the hospital more than once to escape from my problems rather than being admitted to deal with actual mental illness.  I admit it.  I went about "getting help" more by "getting attention."  Instead of trying to get approval, I guess when that didn't work, I sought disapproval.  If you can't manipulate one way, you try another.  But at the time I was not consciously seeking to manipulate -- I can just see it that way when I look back.  I was caught in the death grip of depression and had tried all the medications and therapies and ECT and even being bullied and none of it helped, so I over-played the patient hoping THAT would get me help.  And really, all it got was sarcasm and scorn and being ignored.  I think after a while, no one wanted to listen and I can't say I blame them.  Part of my illness was wanting to remain ill in order to escape the difficulties of trying to get well.  Does that make sense?  But at some point, it all goes to hell in a handbasket and you end up having to cope alone anyway.

As a depressed person, I could be my own best friend or my own worst enemy, depending on how I chose to cope.

anne1123

1/10/11 11:14am

I believe the person who unintentionally manipulates is far less toxic than the one who does it knowingly.  Of course, this is just my personal take on the matter.  Unconscious manipulation is often a cry for help.